The Twilight Zone.....
It seems that I'm doing fine without him. I don't think about him as much, but of course he crosses my mind here or there. Today I saw him, I have tint on my car windows now, so he didn't see me. He appears to be doing just fine. He had someone in the car, but I didn't really look to see who it was, but I'm sure it was a female. And I must admit that it hurts like hell. It's as if I'm walking in the twilight zone, as if I'm in a foreign place. I just can't seem to come to grips with a person dominating 2 years of your life, PRETENDING to love you to no end, yet they can do what he did, get kicked out and just go on about his/her life like NOTHING ever happened. I don't know what I expect. Maybe for once to see him alone, looking guilt ridden..hell I don't know. But the few times I have seen him..he seems to be happy and content. Doesn't seem to me that he thinks about me AT ALL and that hurts. I let him go without a fight, because I feel I shouldn't have had to. If he loved me like he said, he wouldn't have done the things he did. He wouldn't have done it the way he did. I mean had I not kicked him out, he would have kept on dealing with other women behind my back, emailing the hoe downstairs while he sat only inches away from me on my sofa. Sleeping in my bed at night KNOWING all along what he was doing. His mom has the baby. She's keeping him until Sunday, yet instead of him being there with him, he's riding up and down the street, selling weed I'M SURE, with another random female with him, smiling, happy, content. While I just bust my ass to make ends meet. Yeah I meet guys all the time, but truthfully NOTHING of interest at all. I haven't been with a guy in months. I won't just accept anything and I'm particular. My roommate has a face-book account. I closed mine. But I still peek at his page. Why? To see who he's dealing with, who has been added. It's up to 170 friends now. I must admit I look at the photos, I guess I'm comparing..and it's no comparison with most. They are mostly college girls and quite a few high schoolers which I expect because they are YOUNG AND DUMB and easily controlled. I feel as if I never ever existed in his life and I wonder HOW DO THEY DO THAT. Men ...they walk away like OH WELL. I just don't understand and it hurts. In the back of my mind I wonder if he ever thinks of me, and when and if he does, what does he think. Does he ever miss me or think of all the fun we had before he got busted. People tell me all the time that he has to miss me..but from the smile that is always on his face. I don't think so. I'm crying now. I have to..it's the only way to release the hurt/pain. I'll never understand and I will never forget how he treated me..never!
Replies
I am so sorry for what you are going through...there is no shame in crying...let it all out honey, you deserve better...
Yeah, it sounds like you\'re still in pain for being abandoned. You mentioned he got busted, well do you and your baby really need to be loved or cared for by a \"dealer\" anyways? Sounds like he needs to get his priorities in place, anyways! Just keep doing, what you must, and keep being the great mom you are! Focus on you and the baby!
cbazan,
Your going to go trough a very difficult time and please understand that you will be better off without that effing loser. I wanted to make a few comments in regards to your journal to entry so here goes:
Stop beating yourself up by checking in on him, seeing how he is doing and with whom, concentrate on you and your child. You washed away the filth of a man that was holding you down and taking advantage of you and the only reason your feeling bad because of the unknown, the future and where it may take you - think of the future you could of had with that cheating sob. He\'s a Ho and will always be a Ho - count your blessings that he didn\'t bring something back with him and give it to you and your baby.
Who cares if he is happy, he is playing the game he wants to play, one you didn\'t want to play. Go play your own different healthy game and find yourself, take care of your child, maybe find a good man and be happy. Just don\'t jump into a relationship to soon - be happy, content and honest with yourself first - you owe it to yourself and to your next love.
Finally men are not the only ones to walk away from a good thing - woman can be just as spiteful, vindictive, callous as men if not more so. There are 3.2 billion men out there and even if your looking for that 1 in a million guy that means there are 3200 perfect matches out there its finding him that\'s the fun but also the hard part.
Wish you luck in all your dreams and desires
James
I know how bad it hurts. I feel the exact same way. You know, I try to wrap my mind around the concept of how an individual who once was so in love, could just walk away and assume another life as if nothing ever happened, as if there was no relationship at all. I just don\'t get it. My stbxh can just walk away and turn off his love like a light switch. How do they do that? It makes me wonder if he ever loved me at all. Girlfriend, I know how you\'re feeling and I know how it hurts right to the very core of our being. The sad thing is, that our ex-so\'s are only chasing what they THINK is real love. They had real love with us, and they just threw it all away. Every relationship takes work. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship or a perfect marriage. I know my stbxh was living in fantasyland, because he believes that marriage should not require any work to maintain it. Now he\'s out there with that whore (OW) who he thinks he loves. It really cracks me up, how when a person cheats, and they have a relationship with the person they cheated with, that they expect to have a monogamous relationship. That\'s bull crap. A relationship born of an affair has no substance. The cards are already stacked up against it for it to fail.
I wonder if there\'s any truth into once a cheater, always a cheater (probably so for a lot of cheaters). Focus on you and your kids. You are what\'s important now, not him. Our ex-so\'s will one day realize what they lost, and yes, they have lost us (though they don\'t want to admit it). Chin up, and look ahead. You deserve soooo much more than the bullsh*t your ex is dealing.
((((HUGS))))