The Truth....(the real introduction)

The truth is I've had this account since 2009 but have done nothing with it.   My friend if she still would even consider herself one recommended this site to me as I was going through a hard time.  I thought it was a good idea at the time butI didn't take it seriously as evidenced by my first post..  It is against my character to just spew my emotional garbage on anyone in earshot.  I learned growing up that I shouldn't bothet others with my emotional debris
I have found though in recent months that I should go against my "better judgement"  if not just to get myself out of my comfort zone.
When I think about it I hate the user name I chose I can;'t really stand it.. 
Why?  Becase it represents the side of me that thinks that I am a freak. The part of me that feels that I am nothing but a monster.
Truth is: 
I am disabled with a rare condition (Pelazaezius Merzbacher Disease to be exact)that not even my neurologist has heard of.
I am transgender (I think).
A lot of times I wish I was dead.  I would usually say that I wish I didn't exist but the truth with that is I don't really feel as if I exist really anyway since I usually let people draw their own conclusions about me.
My PCP asks me if I'm in crisis....but I've really found that it seems that I'm always in crisis so crisis seems normal to me. 
On the flip side I am optimistic and that I know things are going to be fine.   
Sheesh...well thanks for reading.