The True Face of Pregnancy Loss Awareness (It's Not the Ribbons)

October is Miscarriage Awareness Month.Like true awareness for any other cause, Miscarriage Awareness isn't just a blue and pink ribbon or a pretty locket or some words that say this is Miscarriage Awareness week so light a candle at 7 PM on October 15th.There is good intent, symbolism, remembrance and even some comfort behind these ideas. But those images are far too pretty of a package for what this really is and doesn't bring true awareness to the human experience.My husband and I have experienced firsthand (twice...) how painful it is to grieve someone we created...so cherished, loved and awaited yet someone who no one had ever met or seen.Intense grief yet...
No death notice.
No funeral. 
And the grief? Not over in a day. Not over in a week. Not over in a month. Not over in months.There is no "over". But rather a lifelong process and a new normal.Our now 7 year old daughter became all the more nothing short of a miracle. We still pinch ourselves that she is ours  The miracle of Brooke hits home in a way it never did before. Yet despite that love and blessing that I feel....at the same time she is not an anesthetic for my pain, nor should she be. She is her own person.
Separate from her lost siblings who did not make the full journey here into our arms.At the time of each loss, I fully believed I would never smile again. I would never laugh again. That full-on dysfunction where I couldn't imagine ever living again. And I wasn't even sure I wanted to live again. Yes, I admit that. I've decided it really is OK to admit that.Though slowly but surely life does return to a new normal.I can now be found smiling, joking, and living and embracing my life.....most days. But my heart still aches. Some days I feel it more than others. And there are milestone dates. And anniversary dates. And sometimes daily triggers.I have often read that studies show that even several years after a miscarriage and even if a healthy pregnancy has occurred in the meantime....some women still grieve the pregnancy they lost. That really speaks to the experience. That there is no replacement for what is lost.So for the "true photo" of Miscarriage Awareness...........I wondered....blue and pink ribbons aside what a more realistic photo would be for Miscarriage Awareness? I would not have wanted my photo taken during my worst of days. On the floor crying uncontrollably. Swollen eyes and all.Or the image of my grief stricken face and the sound of my heart pounding with anguish when we saw the ultrasound screen and heard the words "I'm so sorry, but there has not been any new growth since last week but we'll wait and see". Until weeks and several ultrasounds later there was no more room for hope.Or the image of my husband collapsing into my arms with grief when we came home from the hospital. The palpable emptiness and the finality of it all making its presence known. Or the image of despair and disbelief at having a second loss 4 months later.  And wondering how I would pick up the pieces.....again.Those moments are among many of the true images of miscarriage awareness. And maybe far less realized is that there are images I could describe for weeks and months later when most people (who have not experienced this) probably think a woman is "fine and over it". I am on a first-name basis with Grief and its twists and turns. Grief feels like my worst enemy at times but also my greatest teacher. I am a work in progress. And in many ways a better person because of this. I am not a religious person.  But I am spiritual.  I will close by sharing a few verses of a song that speaks to me:"Nothing Is Lost on the Breath of God" (by Colin Gibson) "Nothing is lost on the breath of GodNothing is lost foreverGod's breath is love and His love will remain,Holding the world forever,No feather too lightNo hair too fine,No flower too brief in its gloryNo drop in the oceanNo dust in the airBut is counted and told in God's glory..."