The Trigger Days

Well, two of my three big "trigger" days are now behind me. Mother's Day, and then five days later, my birthday. (Christmas day is the third.)  No phone calls.  No cards.  No acknowledgement of any kind.  I made it through.  I knew I would, I always do.  As some well-meaning people like to point out, "They are just days."  What these folks don't get, is that those "just days" trigger emotions that I find difficult to deal with.  I get mean - which is not how I normally roll at all.   I don't realize how I am being affected until someone triggers an unexpected response in me.  Case in point: On Mother's Day my husband and I went to Costco.  I thought I was doing fine.  Wasn't depressed or feeling particularly emotional.  I noticed almost everyone was coming out with a bouquet of flowers in their hands. I must have subconsciously tried to stuff exactly what that meant, because contrary to my nature, I neither acknowledged nor commented on that fact. As we walked through the door, a nice young man smiled brightly and said to me, "Hi!  Welcome! Would you like to know what Costco is doing for Mother's Day today?"  My knee-jerk response was to snarl back at him a very nasty, "No, I don't!" as I kept walking.  Sigh.  At that point my husband realized what was going on (we've been together for 20 years) and tactfully moved me forward.  
A little background on my situation:  I am now in the middle of my second estrangement from my 35 year old daughter, my only child. The first one blind-sided me.  It came on without warning and lasted two years.  When she finally began speaking to me again (again without warning, the phone just rang one day and it was her, as if nothing had ever happened) and I asked why, she would only say, "It wasn't anything you did.  I needed to stay away to work some things out on my own."  Okay, fair enough.  
This latest situation is somewhat of my own doing.  Oh, she stopped all contact with me, but this time instead of begging, cajoling, pleading, sending numerous cards, letters, emails and texts, I simply do nothing.  I do not acknowledge her birthday, Christmas or any other holiday as I have in the past.  I am done. I am through with allowing her to disrespect me by yelling at me and telling me how horrible I am.  I am done with putting up with her nasty attitude when she is around me. Her hatefulness towards me and her grandmother for no good reason. 
My daughter is an extremely intelligent, beautiful, successful young woman. She can be kind. She is a champion for the underdog and anyone who cannot defend themselves.  She can be very loving and generous.  The flip side is that she can become extremely irrational and vicious, seemingly for no good reason. One must walk on eggshells around her at all times, and still no guarantee that something won't set her off.  She projects her negative feelings and thoughts onto me, and tries to assign those feelings to me.  She often rages at me, when I am innocent of what I am being accused of - usually feelings and emotions that I do not possess.  I am the object of her deep-seated anger and wrath.  She is deeply troubled.  I know that.  I also know that I cannot fix her, but by the same token, I can no longer allow her to abuse and disrespect me.  
I know all this, and yet it hurts.  It especially hurts to see mothers and daughters out in public laughing and having a good time.  The closeness they share just kills me.  It hurts to see TV shows or movies featuring the mother-daughter dynamic where no matter what the situation is, the daughter always still loves her mother.  Heck, even junkies' daughters love their mothers!
The bottom line is, I love my daughter with all my heart and always will.  It just hurts.  

Replies

Paws4It
Paws4It

My heart is with you because I lost an only child too, a son. And usually the ones telling us the days are no big deal are the ones that get those acknowledgements that are denied us. I say the same thing, even murders in prison show love to their moms... our kids need their butts kicked. Life will teach them, but meanwhile we have been robbed. We put in the years and were denied the payday. I\'m so sorry. :-(
(((HUGS))))
Paws4It
Paws4It

Oh, and Happy Belated Birthday! I\'m glad we have our furbabies that love us.
dm4dogs
dm4dogs

Thanks Paws4it. It\'s so nice to know someone \"gets\' it!! It\'s pretty sad with the best you can say is, \"Well, at least their alive\". Yes, a good, old fashioned butt kicking is in order! :-)
dm4dogs
dm4dogs

Thank you! Yes, my pups are very happy to be around me, so I guess I\'m not that bad, eh? ;-) As a matter of fact, I\'m on my way to pick up a mama dog and her 5 puppies at our local Animal Control. I will foster them until we can get them out to rescue, probably later in the week. Love those puppies! :-)
Paws4It
Paws4It

Oh that is so hard. I once ended up with a litter because I could not give them away. They were big dogs and I just knew they would end up tied to someone\'s fence...so I kept them all. The last big boy passed away last June. He was 14.5 and like all of them, took a huge chunk of me with him.
I have a new little rescue.. a brussels griffon.. Do you know this breed?
I would love to see pictures.
God bless you for your loving heart. Our kids gave away the best mother\'s they could have had.
(hugs)
karina49
karina49

I am very sorry for your situation. I know how you feel. I am right now on my fifth estrangement from my only daughter and child. It always ends the same way, a call like nothing has happened, but as soon as something goes wrong in her life it is all my fault. At the moment we are speaking again, but I am guarded just waiting for the next shoe to drop. Its almost like they have two personalties. My heart goes out to you. Just know others care.
debidrew
debidrew

I, too, so feel your gut wrenching pain. I had another serious melt down last night with my DH and the tears I have cried are beyond belief. It is amazing that at times I even function. My 30 year old daughter is 8 months pregnant with her first child - and I am absolutely terrified that I will be cut from this child\'s life unless I \"tow the line\" - her significant other I feel is the drive behind my daughter\'s complete 360 in regards to me. In three weeks we are throwing a wonderful baby shower for my daughter and if it were not for me arranging this event I don\'t think it would happen. I see an email from her and I literally feel sick to my stomach in fear of what I have now \"done\" or \"said\" - one day at a time sometimes just doesn\'t cut it!
baxter10
baxter10

I am so tired of the Mom bashing. Children have no problem letting you know all your faults. But don\'t dare say anything to them about theirs. Here\'s what happened today. I went to my son\'s house for dinner and brought wine, chicken hot dogs (because I can\'t eat beef) and some pineapple. My son and his girlfriend proceeded to tell me that this is why his sister wants nothing to do with me (the estranged daughter). Because I don\'t listen. They told me not to bring anything and I walked in with wine, etc. \"You just don\'t listen, do you Mom? It is always about you.\" I just don\'t get it.