The time for change is now. I will not be a victim of myself.
After a long conversation with a new friend, I've realised I have to change the way I think. I'm able to be positive about my disability and all the pain it has caused me, but I cannot seem to let go of other parts of my past. I've held on to what my father has done to me psychologically. He broke my heart. He can't accept that I am human and therefore flawed. I made mistakes. I have tried to apologize for those mistakes. I have cried and stressed over a man who should love me no matter what. I've had to completely write him out of my life the way he did to me. But in the back of my mind I am still holding onto the hope that someday he will forgive me. The man I called daddy isn't here anymore. Something happened to that man somewhere along the line and he is gone. The man that is left behind is a cold hard shell of the man I loved. He couldn't even forgive me for long enough to meet his only grandchild. Now we live 600 miles away and I will never let them meet. My daughter does not need that kind of instability in her life. She has people in her life that love her unconditionally. They won't stop loving her because she screws up. I have to make myself believe that trying to mend the rift between us is a bad idea. And today I am doing just that.
The other things I have to let go of are my paternal grandparents. I have never been close to my grandfather. From an early age I knew I would never love him the way I do my mother's dad. I don't hold on to him as a necessary part of my family. But my paternal grandmother and great-grandmother. They are a different story altogether. I love them so much it hurts. I still mourn Granny's death. Grams is still here and trying to right the wrongs of her past. It's my turn to truly forgive what they did to my self esteem. All I ever heard growing up was "don't eat that" "eat more greens" You're going to end up fat and miserable just like me". I rarely heard I was pretty, or good enough. After hearing it so long I started to believe it. I went from a healthy weight to morbidly obese in just over 2 years. Granny passed away before I could confront her about the pain. I've since forgiven her, but I can't let it go. Grams has been trying to make it better. She doesn't criticize my choices anymore. She tells me I am pretty. She praises me for raising my daughter well. I've forgiven her. And now it is time for me to forget. I can't continue my life carrying the hurt around with me.
I never saw a healthy relationship in my life. I thought the happy people on TV were all made up. My father is in the middle of his 4th marriage. My mother went through 3 before she gave up. I stayed with a man for 7 years because I thought I loved him and he loved me. I see now that he never loved me the way I deserve to be loved. I went in and out of relationships with men and women. I always managed to fall for the ones who were no good for me. Users, drug addicts, commitment phobic. I had them all. My best friend and I were in love. She cheated on me and broke my heart. Another woman I loved stole my car multiple times. The last time she did she destroyed it. I forgave her and kept loving her even though she never returned that love. I finally gave up on her. Then I almost ruined everything with the man I am married to now. I was so afraid of how much I loved him that I broke up with him and moved into a quick affair with someone I once babysat. ( She was definitely of age for the fling.) My husband fought for me, and in the end he won the battle. He is the love of my life. He treats me like a queen. He is the best father I have ever known. My life would so empty without him. I have the rest of my life to look forward to with him. I finally know that the relationships on TV can be possible.
My happiness is not based on how many members of my family love me. It is based on the quality of love I receive from the ones who do. My health is not paired with what my grandmothers told me when I was growing up. Just because they are/were fat and miserable does NOT mean I have to be. I can change that about myself. My grandmother had gastric bypass. I don't need that. I will do it the hard way. I will eat well and work my ass off to get where I want to be. I've already cut out coffee and soda and most refined sugars. All I have to do now is get off my ass and work. I can do that. I've done it before. I can do it again. I will be happy this year and every year after. I've already wasted too much time in this brand new year being sorry for myself. I have too much to live for to keep this up. So here I go. I am on my way to a new me.
The other things I have to let go of are my paternal grandparents. I have never been close to my grandfather. From an early age I knew I would never love him the way I do my mother's dad. I don't hold on to him as a necessary part of my family. But my paternal grandmother and great-grandmother. They are a different story altogether. I love them so much it hurts. I still mourn Granny's death. Grams is still here and trying to right the wrongs of her past. It's my turn to truly forgive what they did to my self esteem. All I ever heard growing up was "don't eat that" "eat more greens" You're going to end up fat and miserable just like me". I rarely heard I was pretty, or good enough. After hearing it so long I started to believe it. I went from a healthy weight to morbidly obese in just over 2 years. Granny passed away before I could confront her about the pain. I've since forgiven her, but I can't let it go. Grams has been trying to make it better. She doesn't criticize my choices anymore. She tells me I am pretty. She praises me for raising my daughter well. I've forgiven her. And now it is time for me to forget. I can't continue my life carrying the hurt around with me.
I never saw a healthy relationship in my life. I thought the happy people on TV were all made up. My father is in the middle of his 4th marriage. My mother went through 3 before she gave up. I stayed with a man for 7 years because I thought I loved him and he loved me. I see now that he never loved me the way I deserve to be loved. I went in and out of relationships with men and women. I always managed to fall for the ones who were no good for me. Users, drug addicts, commitment phobic. I had them all. My best friend and I were in love. She cheated on me and broke my heart. Another woman I loved stole my car multiple times. The last time she did she destroyed it. I forgave her and kept loving her even though she never returned that love. I finally gave up on her. Then I almost ruined everything with the man I am married to now. I was so afraid of how much I loved him that I broke up with him and moved into a quick affair with someone I once babysat. ( She was definitely of age for the fling.) My husband fought for me, and in the end he won the battle. He is the love of my life. He treats me like a queen. He is the best father I have ever known. My life would so empty without him. I have the rest of my life to look forward to with him. I finally know that the relationships on TV can be possible.
My happiness is not based on how many members of my family love me. It is based on the quality of love I receive from the ones who do. My health is not paired with what my grandmothers told me when I was growing up. Just because they are/were fat and miserable does NOT mean I have to be. I can change that about myself. My grandmother had gastric bypass. I don't need that. I will do it the hard way. I will eat well and work my ass off to get where I want to be. I've already cut out coffee and soda and most refined sugars. All I have to do now is get off my ass and work. I can do that. I've done it before. I can do it again. I will be happy this year and every year after. I've already wasted too much time in this brand new year being sorry for myself. I have too much to live for to keep this up. So here I go. I am on my way to a new me.
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