The threat...

These figures. They've hunted me since I can remember. Some asking for help and some threaten to kill. They know that they themselves can't kill me, but they know they have the power to drive me to death. That's what they've been doing. Torturing me to death.... I've been able to fight them. I've been holding on until now. They have something dear to me. They know I'm coming towards my weakest point. This is around the time I was supposed to have my child oh so long ago... Not to mention, it's a leap year. I was born on a leap year, I was to have a child on a leap year... But it died, he died. Im now at my weakest time, and if you think the suicide attempts and torturing myself were bad before, you should see me at my weakest. I'm scared I may not make it this year, but I have something here on earth I can live for, my girlfriend. I live for her now. Though I have one love in heaven and one here it's a tough of war. My son or my girlfriend, my son or my girlfriend, my son or my girlfriend.... So far my girlfriend is winning. But as long as I'm alive, I'll have the pain, the memories and I'll keep doing stupid things. I can't stop!! And it pisses me off. WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP TORTURING MYSELF?!?!! I don't know.... I broke the code not to hurt myself today... I drank some pen ink, not enough to kill ( like it would kill anyways) but enough to make me sick. Even now I feel so sick and that mixed with the pain and the ink poisoning in my blood. Everything burns! I don't know what it is... I'm seeing a therapist on Monday. Maybe they can help me stop... I hope they can. They did I become what I have become? Why? Why me? Why now? I don't want this anymore. I just want to be happy but instead everything burns, everything in pain. And on the shadows move, ever threatening my life. May I stay alive. May I reach the light. May I find the way. Until then, wish me luck...