The Things I\'ve Learned

2 years and about 300 journal entries and I think I have figured it out...most of it anyway.  Divorce sucks. I never thought I would go through anything like this. None of us do.  It is still incredible to me that someone that I loved and devoted 17 yrs of my life to could so casually throw it all away. I stopped trying to understand the things that are not to be understood. That is one of the things that I have learned.  2 years ago I was convinced that my kids childhoods could not possibly be as good with their parents Divorced as they would have been if we had stayed together. This is not the life that I would have chosen for them..but they have a great life.  The dumb-ass told them that they needed to take care of me but lucky for them...I knew better. I have taken very good care of my children and they are happy. I also have no interest in raising "victims" so I haven't.  It's been tempting at times to just try to make everything better. I fell into that trap a few times in the beginning. I don't do it anymore. Another thing that I have learned.  One of my biggest breakthrough moments was when I finally decided to stop begging my ex to be involved with their lives. I saw this as part of my parental responsibility to them.  It's his parental responsibility. He has and will do with it what he chooses. When he got engaged and the kids found about about it by "spotting" her ring I realized that he is clueless and I could spend my life being his parenting "coach". Not how I want to spend my life. Glad I learned that one early on.    I have learned not to take the things that he says to me to heart. His opinion of me is warped by his own need to make me be someone who deserved what I got from him.  I have learned that my Marriage wasn't all that I thought it was.  I got my first clue when he left and my day to day life got easier.  He was not an asset to me...he was a liability.  I have learned that the hardest part of Divorce, for me anyway, was the fear of the unknown. The "will I ever" and "can I" thoughts that kept me up at night. Turned out to be a lot of worry about not much. Yes..I can and BOY did I ever.   I have learned that I don't need to feel guilty about not having a good relationship with my ex. Co-Parenting is an ideal..but not my reality. I know that my ex has a place in my kids lives but he has NO PLACE in mine. I have learned to seperate the two.  The most important thing that I have learned is that I did not loose my dreams. He is just a man..and not a great one. In the end...what I lost was a husband that didn't love or respect me. Everything else..including my dreams..are still here.  I would not trade this time in my life for anything.  Not even the days when I was journaling "if Wine didn't have calories I think I would be dead". Luckily..it did..and I survived. He left an empty space and I filled it with new friends, great times and a much better feeling about myself.  My one regret.. I was fixing my ex dinner when my ex let the bomb drop. I had a frying pan in arms reach. My Mother has always told me that I missed my "frying pan moment". You only get one of those. Damn.  Alex knows about this and has equipt me with a HUGE frying pan. He knows that I won't miss another moment. I am taking this as a sign that he is not planning to give me one. Smart guy. Just one of the many reasons that I said yes.   Blues said it best...the best revenge is living well. I am very busy living and I think my time has come to sign off.  I'll post some pictures of the Wedding.  DS has been a life saver.  I have made some life-long friends. I will be forever greatful.  Cheers... Cheri