The things he's missing
Welll once again, my son is missing something he can't ever get back, his little boy's great grandma died Friday and he won't be around to support him. Since he has been in trouble, my grandmother, my husbands grandmothers have died and he's not here.
These are the times when I get angry and the feel guilty for being angry at him. He has missed so much in his little boys life, his first steps, first day of school..... it goes on and on.
Last week I went back home to visit family and took my grandson with me, he is the spitting image of my son and we had so much fun, but in the back of my head I kept thinking see he's missing all this, he will never get it back. My Mother has been ill and I am very worried about her, the thought that I could lose her and that my Son wouldn't be abel to be there hurts so bad I can't stand it somedays.
My grandson's Mom has a rough life and a really crappy Mother, I have tried to be there for her at the loss of her Grandma but we have had such a hard releationship because her "Mother" hates me. I use the word Mother in quotes because this woman is a very nasty lady, who treats her daughter like crap and also my grandson and his sister. She has even gone to extremes such as threathening to kick her out with her kids if she allowed me and my husband to see our grandson (thank god she ignored her) but this is just the tip of the iceburg of what this lady does to her daughter on a daily basis. Just a few months ago she made her start stripping for money because she needed money and that's how she was going to get it..... see why I can't really call her a mother!
And this is when my anger at my son kicks in, I shouldn't have to be dealing with this he should, he should be taking care of his son and he knew when he got her pregnate that her life was already unstable. He has had at least 5 chances to stay out of prison and everytime I think he might just make it he goes and does something stupid again. The longest he has been out is only 4 months, sometimes it was only a couple of weeks, others a month or two but for the most part he has actually only been on the outside for maybe 12 months out of the 7 years my grandson has been alive.
I feel like I don't get to be a grandma I am his dad, his part time mom and a million other things and then put on top of all this that my husband and I fight ALL the time about our son somedays I just get so mad at him..... and then like I said I feel guilty for being made. BUT I AM MAD and I have to find a way to vent it, so here I am typing like a mad women hoping some of this makes sense to anyone but me.
Well now the tears are hard to type through and I need to focus on helping my grandson and him get through this funeral because that's what I do..... she told me yesterday I was more of a Mom to her that her real Mom and that felt good, but I want to be a Mom to my son and I can't.
God make this day go fast it hurts alot today !!!!
These are the times when I get angry and the feel guilty for being angry at him. He has missed so much in his little boys life, his first steps, first day of school..... it goes on and on.
Last week I went back home to visit family and took my grandson with me, he is the spitting image of my son and we had so much fun, but in the back of my head I kept thinking see he's missing all this, he will never get it back. My Mother has been ill and I am very worried about her, the thought that I could lose her and that my Son wouldn't be abel to be there hurts so bad I can't stand it somedays.
My grandson's Mom has a rough life and a really crappy Mother, I have tried to be there for her at the loss of her Grandma but we have had such a hard releationship because her "Mother" hates me. I use the word Mother in quotes because this woman is a very nasty lady, who treats her daughter like crap and also my grandson and his sister. She has even gone to extremes such as threathening to kick her out with her kids if she allowed me and my husband to see our grandson (thank god she ignored her) but this is just the tip of the iceburg of what this lady does to her daughter on a daily basis. Just a few months ago she made her start stripping for money because she needed money and that's how she was going to get it..... see why I can't really call her a mother!
And this is when my anger at my son kicks in, I shouldn't have to be dealing with this he should, he should be taking care of his son and he knew when he got her pregnate that her life was already unstable. He has had at least 5 chances to stay out of prison and everytime I think he might just make it he goes and does something stupid again. The longest he has been out is only 4 months, sometimes it was only a couple of weeks, others a month or two but for the most part he has actually only been on the outside for maybe 12 months out of the 7 years my grandson has been alive.
I feel like I don't get to be a grandma I am his dad, his part time mom and a million other things and then put on top of all this that my husband and I fight ALL the time about our son somedays I just get so mad at him..... and then like I said I feel guilty for being made. BUT I AM MAD and I have to find a way to vent it, so here I am typing like a mad women hoping some of this makes sense to anyone but me.
Well now the tears are hard to type through and I need to focus on helping my grandson and him get through this funeral because that's what I do..... she told me yesterday I was more of a Mom to her that her real Mom and that felt good, but I want to be a Mom to my son and I can't.
God make this day go fast it hurts alot today !!!!
Replies
You are amazing...you are doing better than you think you are...you are not ever going to be able to do it all..nobody can!! You are doing what you can with what you have..be mad at your Son..you Love him..pray for him and give it to God..he is not yours to fix anymore....I am always mad at one of my kids...questioning if I am doing this right..it is called being a Mother...
What is the most important thing right now? That little boy that is who...he did not do anything, he is innocent and he needs Grandma....My Grandma helped raise me and she is my absolute favorite person that ever lived!! She just turned 101 years old last week....I spent time with her, I \"hung out\" with her and she just Loved me regardless of what I did ....Sadly this is just getting started right??? again I should say but it sounds like it may be a while before things are \"normal\" I don\'t know anything about your life but I know that that little guy needs stability...someone who may need to take him in someday... You are worried about his Mom just by what you know that she is doing..you probably don\'t know the half of it...I am 45 years old, my Grandma made what would have been a pretty sad life pretty good.... she was always that phone call away when I was upset with my Mom...
I hope you are doing better today..I wish we all had ansewers for these issues that come with paying for others mistakes..but we are here, and we are strong and we can do alot to help others that are feeling this way today! hang in there!!
miskim, thank you so much your note helped so much, I know that sooner or later my Grandson will end up living with me, and until then I have decided I must forge a good relationship with his Mom, if I can help her to be a better Mom and give her the support her own Mother won\'t in the end I know it will help my Grandson and his sister....who I have come to love as if she were blood. Finding this support has been the best thing for me, getting it out and having others who know what I feel makes me feel more normal again, I should have done this years ago. I did it immediately when my little girl passed away and now help others who are going through what I did, I am so glad I realized I needed support for this family crisis too. Again thank you!!