The thing about ME is...

Haha kind of funny to mark this entry as Educational. : ) But it is. It was that kind of day, for me.
Today is one of those days where you read "The Thing Is..." a poem like I posted earlier (sent to me from my sister in law, the one who had brain surgery last month... she's doing great now that the cerebro-spinal fluid leak has stopped... sheesh) and then you have a conversation and IT ALL FITS and IT ALL FLOWS together so usefully and educationally that you just have to stagger around through the rest of the day giving thanks for how amazing life can be.
The poem, "The Thing Is..." and then my conversation with my minister Jennifer just had that kind of synchronicity. I told Jennifer about the rough times I have had in the past week, and how great I feel about connecting to Byron, how disconnected I feel from the rest of the world sometimes, how I feel lonely because of the disconnect if I withdraw into my inner space and act brave and cheerful when I'm feeling so tiny inside. And how dysfunctionally connected I am with my mother.......
.... and The Thing was... Jennifer correctly identified the Thing. The Thing about ME is that sometimes I need a mother to hold me and comfort me. I can do it for Byron, and I did it for Andy, but my mother can't do it for me, wonderful and loving as she is, because of what it took to survive the death of my sister when we were little. (See previous posts... I'm sure I've mentioned this! At least a few times!) She comforts herself with simple platitudes, and is on overload with all the sadness. I can't add to it.
So I'm saying to Jennifer that I can try to mother myself... and that I have a few friends... and YOU all... and that I am going to see my therapist Mary soon (postponed it after this morning... too much for one day!) ... and maybe that I can try to train my husband to just hold me and let me cry... but she said again that I need a soft female to sob into... and she was right. And she was the one. I sobbed, and she held me, and patted my hair, and said it's ok baby. Many times.
I snuffled and sobbed and said that I want connection more than anything on earth, but I am losing my family. I lost my sister, I lost my husband (Larry, Andy and Byron's father) and I lost Andy and I will lose my parents and I do feel very alone sometimes. It was very nice to be held, to feel MY inner child safely seen and heard and loved. I can give myself 'permission' to be emotional until the cows come home, but actually finding the window for it to happen is quite something else.
We talked about letting people IN. The thing is: at one extreme, I'm highly functional on the outside but all curled up with grief and pain deep inside, and at the other I'd be unable to put one foot in front of the other and sharing my nightmare with every single human who I encounter. The thing is: finding my healthy place on that continuum.
Other bits o' conversation: Jennifer also said it's a useless myth that families always get bigger... that as loving as we are we won't always have lots of people to love, and that's hard to accept. We talked about grandbabies (which I may never have, completely contrary to all the assumptions I had made as a girl and young mother) and how to protect the energy and keep myself ok with this journey. We talked about the cosmos, my spiritual viewpoint (non-theistic) and where Andy 'is' now.
I feel better at this point. For now, and that's good enough.
xoxoxo Sarah

Replies

Missinglisa
Missinglisa

I am so pleased for you. Such insight. As mothers we are wired to care - we often don\'t realize that we need to be cared for too.
Enjoy the moment!
Hugs
Marlene - Lisa\'s Mum
BinkyH
BinkyH

It sounds like a very therapeutic session that you had! Hugs, Belinda
inmemoryofhattie
inmemoryofhattie

I am so glad someone held you.

I will hold you in my heart....
Abotsd
Abotsd

my therapist has been teaching me to love myself. It\'s a hard and awkward journey as I wished to accomplish so much more than I have and am. But being kind and motherly to ourselves is a great gift in life, so I applaud your progress and continue with my own. Luckily I do have grandchildren (4) all of whom live far, far away. I never had a grandmother and would like to live as one. It\'s just hard, life, that way. We get what we get. I\'m so grateful for you.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I envy you for having found a person/therapist whom you could just be natural with, who didn\'t have to say anything but just let you be you and cry if you want to. What comfort you must have felt. Just to let that dam burst and not be judged or turned away. I am happy that you were able to do this as this is definitely part of the healing process.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Thank you so much for sharing this...I found it to be not only educational, but inspirational and uplifting!!!
KandL
KandL

Sarah, Truly an educational & uplifting journal entry. Finding a place on that continuum is what we all strive for isn\'t it? What a wonderful therapist to enable you to tend to your inner child. And how wonderful that you were able to recognize your needs. A day that you are feeling better.? That\'s a gift. Love to you and Andy, Linda
deleted_user
deleted_user

Thanks for sharing Sarah. I see alot of myself, in your journal. I had such hopes, when I was young for a big loving family, because I was an only child and abused, by my stepfather. I\'m down to one husband, one son, no grandchildren and a mother, whom I love, but have a hard time relating to. I\'m glad you have found someone, who can help you find some comfort, for you and your inner child. Hugs. Gay in Ga.
deleted_user
deleted_user

This is me: The thing is: at one extreme, I\'m highly functional on the outside but all curled up with grief and pain deep inside
You inspire me to be more like you. I just don\'t know if I want to give up the pain because that\'s what I have of him. YOu know? LOL maybe I should find a therapist!
PLA58
PLA58

You have great words. I think we all need to be mothered it would do us alot of good. My daughter is a taker she wants and wants doesnt want to save for it just wants..... I would like her to walk in someones shoes to learn to grow up a little... I to want to join you in the arms of a caring person and cry just because.. Maybe my inside will function just a little....
Hugs Penny