The talk.
I got home last night and the conversation began. Roomie agreed we are both in a rut. He also said he couldnt blame me for not wanting to be with him because he couldnt "satisfy" me which I quickly shot down. This was not the reason at all but may have been an attempt to make me feel quilt. I pointed out we have nothing in common..i like the outdoors and he doesnt. He likes sitting infront of tv and I dont. I like adventure and hes a homebody. Im not a planner and he is. None of this made his adament about keeping me around which tells me hes ok with not putting the work. I quickly brought up that he needs to take his trip to California thats he keeps bringing up. He needs a vacation.
I told him Ill always have love for him. Id feed the cats while he was gone on his trip and whateever else he needs. I did tell him Id probably be moving in May. So...ive got to buckle down and work and save more. I can do this. Im not moving in with RV guy. Hes not consistant. As a matter of fact hes been giving me the silent treatment for the last 2 days and honestly I dont have the energy to deal with that. Over the two years ive known him, weve been off and on and this is was keeps me from getting close. Sometimes rejection is protection. First things first, get a clean bill of health.
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Gots to admit, I am utterly confused about your expectations of "Roomie" and "Friends," but then. . . I have the romantic IQ of a jack hammer. I suspect the jack hammers might be my romantic superiors.
A big ticket item my peer support network has given me is the subtle distinction between the need to move on in a healing journey and "Rejection." I haven't rejected any of the brothers and sisters-in-healing who are no longer part of my daily life. They sent me on my healing way with love and hope. They may be physically absent but each of them are still an active part of my healing network.
Translating that precious gift into the less specialized demands of life remains an on-going challenge. People outside my healing network still often feel rejected when I need to work on my clean bill of health, but I'm still getting by with a little help from other brothers and sisters-in-healing. May the network go on forever. Healing hopes for all. Especially the folks who feel rejected by my healing needs.
Arfie,
The last time Roomie and I seperated, he asked me to marry him over text-he never spoke of this again but the gesture helped me return.
That promise was never fulfilled. There was never a ring. I just want people to keep the promises they make. RV guy...said he'd never hurt me, but, he continues to, He made a promise and I suspect he is in the process of breaking it. My only expectation is...if they make promises then they need to keep them or work toward it. Otherwise-don't make the promises. I know I sound harsh but it's something that haunts me.
Which I'm afraid only confuses me further, Sage. Seems to me that you are believing a pig's promise to be a good race horse. No, my sister-in-healing, you do not sound harsh, at all, to me. Quite the contrary. Ya oughta see the way my romantic jackhammer handles pigs who promise to be good race horses. Is it progress that I've taken the nail out of the proverbial 2x4 I answer them with? Balance in all things. I ain't no door mat, but brutality isn't an improvement on the theme.
For what it's worth:
I don't mean to insult pigs with that analogy. They are noble creatures who don't deserve the stereotypes. The proverbial pigs who claim to be race horses get me riled, though. Don't ask me to climb in that saddle, Porky, for your own sake far more than mine.
Maybe when you get another place, you could split the costs of the rent with a female roommate and avoid the problems and expectations which a male roommate would potentially cause.... Is it not better to put yourself in a situation having a greater chance of success, where you could thrive and have a friend besides?
Use past mistakes as knowledge of what not to do when situation arises again. As the buddhists say, "Lessons are repeated until learned."
hugs