The sun is starting to shine again..
After the storm my internet has been acting up. Finally, during the day it is somewhat normal. During that time I have been doing a lot of thinking. Especially about my parents and the problems I have been dealing with. I think I pretty much accepted the fact that my parents will never be the affectionate, loving parents I have expected them to be. They never have been. Why should I expect them to be now? I know they love me.. I just think about how I want to treat my kids, and I wonder why they don't treat me like that..
Well long story short instead of calling up my dad and pretty much giving him a piece of my mind I decided to just let him continue to live his life. Ever since he left he has really focused on his new family. When it comes to my two brothers and me he barely comes around. Barely calls. When he does it's the same old story. He talks about his girlfriend and their son. I mean.. if I go into that story I will type for days. I honestly.. I can't stand them..
The worst part about my dad is that he has changed as a person. I am Italian, Irish, and Scottish. My Mom is the one who is full Italian. Ever since my dad has been with his girlfriend (Who is Italian and her family walks around like they are part of the mob because they live in SI) he has changed. His attitude is different. His clothes and stuff are different. He even dyed his hair a couple times! When he is around just us he acts the way I remember, but around her family he is just.. I mean.. it's laughable.
I know my dad is sick.. he's really sick, and to be honest every time I see him I wonder if it is going to be the last. That's how little we see of him. My brother's birthday is coming up on the 23rd. Apparently he is picking him up to take him out to dinner. I find it funny that when my birthday rolls around he never picks me up. Shit, I am lucky if he calls me up on the day! For some reason, with the boys he treats them different. He swears up and down when I was little I was the center of his world, and I got away with everything because he would always take my side, but.. I was a child.. I needed him more than ever during my teenage years and he was nonexistent. Now he's pretty much gone from my life. Ugh, I am already going into full on story mode when I was attempting to shorten it. Oh well..
Well, I was angry and upset and wanted nothing more than to attack my parents and let them know how I feel, then I realized I really didn't want to add more drama into my life. I know my parents aren't happy with their lives. When they were together they got married and assumed this was it. I am not in a serious relationship, nor married/have kids so I wouldn't know the stress of what they are/were going through. I have SO much going on in my life already. Do I really want my parents as enemies too? And if God forbid something happens to me or them do I really want the last conversations we have to be an argument? Especially around the holidays? I gave up and I backed down. I started letting my mom know where I was going before I would leave the house and she started making eye contact with me. Little by little we started talking. She asked me if I wanted to go food shopping with her and I agreed. We had fun. After that day we are back to normal. And it makes me feel better. It honestly does. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
It just so happened that a day after we went shopping I overheard her talking about filing for divorce. (My parents have been separated for about 13 years and never got divorced) I was angry at first cursing her in my mind and saying she's an idiot for serving him with papers but then I realized I am involving myself in their drama. They have both moved on from each other already. Both in relationships, both have new kids. I mean I can't really complain. I guess overhearing that made this official. My parents will be divorced.. It's weird to say although they haven't been together in a long time..
I started my diet yesterday. I am really trying to figure out which workouts will go well because my foot is kind of messed up. If I walk to long on it I feel pain in my food and lower back. Too bad I can't afford a gym membership. I really want an elliptical machine. Usually with something fairly expensive I kind of tell everyone to either give me money for Christmas so I can buy it myself or ask my parents to split the money for the gift. Now that I am in my 20's I never ask my family for anything. I really like to buy my own stuff. Sometimes they surprise me with stuff and it makes me feel good but I never ask. They both have money issues and I guess I give them one less problem to think about.
Despite all the madness and the secrets that have come to the surface recently, this is starting to feel like home again.
Thanksgiving is coming up and to be honest I can't wait. Usually I would have dinner with my family then go off to get drunk with my friends. This year I am having my usual dinner then taking my sister to the movies. I have been so sad and angry and depressed and bothered by everything that has happened in the past year. I think I am going to list the things that I am thankful for.
1) I am thankful that I found out I have PCOS. For a long time I knew something was wrong but I was too nervous or too busy to go to the doctor. Knowing that I have this condition has made me realize a LOT. I want to talk about that more in a new journal entry. Knowing I have PCOS has truly opened up my mind and has made me take my health a little more serious which in the end will help me live the life I want to live.
2) I am thankful that I have 2 parents, 4 grandparents and 4 siblings that are still alive and in my life. I know so many people who unfortunately have lost family members and around this time of year it brings back a lot of memories. I am grateful to still have them in my life and plan to take more advantage and attempt to get closer to them in the next year.
3) I am thankful I know who my true friends are. There are not many but I am happy that I have them. I had a bunch of friends at one point and I realized that they were only my friend for the worst of reasons. They didn't care about me at all. They actually WANTED to see me at my worst so they can gossip about it.
4) I am thankful for this website and all of you guys. In a way this site has helped me get out of the darkness when I decided to change my life. It was/is amazing to meet/talk to people who understand what I am going through to a T! YOU guys have helped me more than the people that are psychically with me on a daily basis and for that I will be FOREVER grateful.
5) I am thankful for my cat Jake. I know it sounds silly but I had him every since he was a newborn and I swear that cat knows when I am sad. He will plop down on my chest and just lay there purring and I can't be upset anymore. He (like my sister says) is my first son.
6) I am thankful that I had the strength to quit smoking/drinking. Before that day I was a wreck. A hot mess. I did not care about myself at ALL. I think it was easier for me to be around guys/relationships because I was drunk. In the back of my mind I knew they were using me but I didn't care. IN my drunken state I believed I deserved it! Being sober and clean I have realized my worth and I will NEVER go back to that lost and sad girl again!
7) I am thankful that I born the way I am. I have gone through a lot but I am the kind of person who can stand on her own two feet through hell and back. My personality is very strong and I have a huge heart. So far I was able to fight through it all and I only hope to continue fighting until the end.
8) I am thankful for my sister who has really gotten attached to me again. When she was a baby she was attached to my hip. Would cry whenever I would leave and jump on me as soon as she got home. As she got older it wasn't the same. I was always out with friends/boyfriends and I never really saw her. She started treating me differently. Wouldn't really hang out with me. I am thankful that I was fired because the past year and 1/2 we have spent more time together. That makes me so happy. Things have really gotten better and I have shown her more attention and love that I should have been doing for 10 years..
9) I am thankful for my past. As crazy as it sounds I truly believe that what you go through makes you who you are today. I have been through hell and back and my journey will continue. I believe that this was all meant to happen. I have always wanted a husband and children but I believe it didn't happen because I am not ready. Sure, I have a massive amount of love to go around but I have a vision of a life I want, and I can't have that right now. I am very traditional and I want to meet the love of my life, enjoy our time together, eventually move in together, then get engaged when I am ready, THEN get married, ENJOY married life, THEN decide to have kids. I know that may sound too perfect but it's what I want. And if I can think of a life like that? There HAS to be a man out there who feels the same. I will meet him.. one day. =)
10) Lastly, I am thankful for another year alive. I fully intend to make this MY YEAR and do everything I can to steer my life into a positive direction. My goals are set and I couldn't be more excited!
This entry has gone longer than I expected but I wish EVERYONE who reads this a very very healthy and happy Thanksgiving! I hope everyone has a wonderful time and eats great food! And as always take care and be safe!
Much love!
Well long story short instead of calling up my dad and pretty much giving him a piece of my mind I decided to just let him continue to live his life. Ever since he left he has really focused on his new family. When it comes to my two brothers and me he barely comes around. Barely calls. When he does it's the same old story. He talks about his girlfriend and their son. I mean.. if I go into that story I will type for days. I honestly.. I can't stand them..
The worst part about my dad is that he has changed as a person. I am Italian, Irish, and Scottish. My Mom is the one who is full Italian. Ever since my dad has been with his girlfriend (Who is Italian and her family walks around like they are part of the mob because they live in SI) he has changed. His attitude is different. His clothes and stuff are different. He even dyed his hair a couple times! When he is around just us he acts the way I remember, but around her family he is just.. I mean.. it's laughable.
I know my dad is sick.. he's really sick, and to be honest every time I see him I wonder if it is going to be the last. That's how little we see of him. My brother's birthday is coming up on the 23rd. Apparently he is picking him up to take him out to dinner. I find it funny that when my birthday rolls around he never picks me up. Shit, I am lucky if he calls me up on the day! For some reason, with the boys he treats them different. He swears up and down when I was little I was the center of his world, and I got away with everything because he would always take my side, but.. I was a child.. I needed him more than ever during my teenage years and he was nonexistent. Now he's pretty much gone from my life. Ugh, I am already going into full on story mode when I was attempting to shorten it. Oh well..
Well, I was angry and upset and wanted nothing more than to attack my parents and let them know how I feel, then I realized I really didn't want to add more drama into my life. I know my parents aren't happy with their lives. When they were together they got married and assumed this was it. I am not in a serious relationship, nor married/have kids so I wouldn't know the stress of what they are/were going through. I have SO much going on in my life already. Do I really want my parents as enemies too? And if God forbid something happens to me or them do I really want the last conversations we have to be an argument? Especially around the holidays? I gave up and I backed down. I started letting my mom know where I was going before I would leave the house and she started making eye contact with me. Little by little we started talking. She asked me if I wanted to go food shopping with her and I agreed. We had fun. After that day we are back to normal. And it makes me feel better. It honestly does. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
It just so happened that a day after we went shopping I overheard her talking about filing for divorce. (My parents have been separated for about 13 years and never got divorced) I was angry at first cursing her in my mind and saying she's an idiot for serving him with papers but then I realized I am involving myself in their drama. They have both moved on from each other already. Both in relationships, both have new kids. I mean I can't really complain. I guess overhearing that made this official. My parents will be divorced.. It's weird to say although they haven't been together in a long time..
I started my diet yesterday. I am really trying to figure out which workouts will go well because my foot is kind of messed up. If I walk to long on it I feel pain in my food and lower back. Too bad I can't afford a gym membership. I really want an elliptical machine. Usually with something fairly expensive I kind of tell everyone to either give me money for Christmas so I can buy it myself or ask my parents to split the money for the gift. Now that I am in my 20's I never ask my family for anything. I really like to buy my own stuff. Sometimes they surprise me with stuff and it makes me feel good but I never ask. They both have money issues and I guess I give them one less problem to think about.
Despite all the madness and the secrets that have come to the surface recently, this is starting to feel like home again.
Thanksgiving is coming up and to be honest I can't wait. Usually I would have dinner with my family then go off to get drunk with my friends. This year I am having my usual dinner then taking my sister to the movies. I have been so sad and angry and depressed and bothered by everything that has happened in the past year. I think I am going to list the things that I am thankful for.
1) I am thankful that I found out I have PCOS. For a long time I knew something was wrong but I was too nervous or too busy to go to the doctor. Knowing that I have this condition has made me realize a LOT. I want to talk about that more in a new journal entry. Knowing I have PCOS has truly opened up my mind and has made me take my health a little more serious which in the end will help me live the life I want to live.
2) I am thankful that I have 2 parents, 4 grandparents and 4 siblings that are still alive and in my life. I know so many people who unfortunately have lost family members and around this time of year it brings back a lot of memories. I am grateful to still have them in my life and plan to take more advantage and attempt to get closer to them in the next year.
3) I am thankful I know who my true friends are. There are not many but I am happy that I have them. I had a bunch of friends at one point and I realized that they were only my friend for the worst of reasons. They didn't care about me at all. They actually WANTED to see me at my worst so they can gossip about it.
4) I am thankful for this website and all of you guys. In a way this site has helped me get out of the darkness when I decided to change my life. It was/is amazing to meet/talk to people who understand what I am going through to a T! YOU guys have helped me more than the people that are psychically with me on a daily basis and for that I will be FOREVER grateful.
5) I am thankful for my cat Jake. I know it sounds silly but I had him every since he was a newborn and I swear that cat knows when I am sad. He will plop down on my chest and just lay there purring and I can't be upset anymore. He (like my sister says) is my first son.
6) I am thankful that I had the strength to quit smoking/drinking. Before that day I was a wreck. A hot mess. I did not care about myself at ALL. I think it was easier for me to be around guys/relationships because I was drunk. In the back of my mind I knew they were using me but I didn't care. IN my drunken state I believed I deserved it! Being sober and clean I have realized my worth and I will NEVER go back to that lost and sad girl again!
7) I am thankful that I born the way I am. I have gone through a lot but I am the kind of person who can stand on her own two feet through hell and back. My personality is very strong and I have a huge heart. So far I was able to fight through it all and I only hope to continue fighting until the end.
8) I am thankful for my sister who has really gotten attached to me again. When she was a baby she was attached to my hip. Would cry whenever I would leave and jump on me as soon as she got home. As she got older it wasn't the same. I was always out with friends/boyfriends and I never really saw her. She started treating me differently. Wouldn't really hang out with me. I am thankful that I was fired because the past year and 1/2 we have spent more time together. That makes me so happy. Things have really gotten better and I have shown her more attention and love that I should have been doing for 10 years..
9) I am thankful for my past. As crazy as it sounds I truly believe that what you go through makes you who you are today. I have been through hell and back and my journey will continue. I believe that this was all meant to happen. I have always wanted a husband and children but I believe it didn't happen because I am not ready. Sure, I have a massive amount of love to go around but I have a vision of a life I want, and I can't have that right now. I am very traditional and I want to meet the love of my life, enjoy our time together, eventually move in together, then get engaged when I am ready, THEN get married, ENJOY married life, THEN decide to have kids. I know that may sound too perfect but it's what I want. And if I can think of a life like that? There HAS to be a man out there who feels the same. I will meet him.. one day. =)
10) Lastly, I am thankful for another year alive. I fully intend to make this MY YEAR and do everything I can to steer my life into a positive direction. My goals are set and I couldn't be more excited!
This entry has gone longer than I expected but I wish EVERYONE who reads this a very very healthy and happy Thanksgiving! I hope everyone has a wonderful time and eats great food! And as always take care and be safe!
Much love!
Replies
I am thankful I have a friend named CrystaLynn who teaches me how someone with strength, courage and dignity faces her problems.
You\'re wise beyond your years, girlfriend
Second that!
CrystaLynn, you are an inspiration and absolutely wonderful. I hope you had an incredible Thanksgiving and keep doing the amazing stuff you do! ^^
P.S. - Have you tried craigslist to look for an elliptical machine? Course you have to be careful but sometimes you can get them for dirt cheap/free because people don\'t want to use them as clothing racks anymore...^^
Thank you so much! You guys are both amazing and I am so happy I met you! I can only hope to continue this journey! I get a little sidetracked during the holidays. As for the Elliptical! I never thought to check Craigslist! I checked now and WOW they had one for 90 in my neighborhood but it was posted days ago. I\'ll keep checking though. Thanks for the advice! =)