the struggle is coming back a little

So I've been resigned to paying close attention to my moods. I fucking hate it but at the same time if I chose to live without being medicated I really have no choice in the matter. I woke up every hour last night. I feel apprehensive and worried that I won't be able to stop the climb up. I'm seeing lights a lot again when I close my eyes and I am still going to sleep late even when I lay down early. It sucks so bad that I already thought of checking out again. I don't want to start feeling like I'm on speed while I'm getting ready to drive across the country. I want to enjoy it and take it all in. I have plans to stop and camp and not drive more than 8 hours in each day and drive in the day time. I'm going to be fine, I just need to keep telling myself that. I took an ativan today. My therapist and I were talking about how people with pain need to take the pain killer before the pain is bad and that my situation is the same. It seemed to help a little but it wore off long ago. I'm okay right now though. I just wish I was tired. Fuck. Well I'm going to lay down. I gave away my cava tea. I don't think it really helped anyway. Good night.