The Struggle
The best thing I could have done was returned to my dear counselor a couple of weeks ago. I don't know what happened. Everything had fallen into place, and I was doing well. Then wham, bam! The little signs of depression were creeping back into my mind.
One thing I found that I enjoy is my daily walks. They become elating, as I march along talking to you, God, smiling, weeping. Seems to put the afternoon into perspective. Even after two years it is humbling that I take such pride in feeling married in my heart, even though you aren't physically here.
I've been told by so many - pastor, other widows, even my dear counselor, that there is nothing wrong with me and I am perfectly normal in every way. I guess I take too much stock in what I believe others are thinking or may be saying about me. Like my counselor said, "When did you become a mind reader?" Well, I'm not.
My mantra to God is to just let me be me now, wear my rings, keep my last name, be known as your beloved wife forevermore. I'm not doing anything wrong, nor is the enjoyment of living on my own, in our home, and taking care of everything myself. I do ask for help when I need it. I'm not stupid!
But, some things remain a struggle lately, like getting up in the morning and feeling the anxiety creep in. Coming home and that feeling of emptiness being back where the cat once filled.
I chalk it up to the little grief monster of depression, and tell God, oh come on. That's enough. Take it away, for Christ sake. How long do I have to suffer? Can't I have peace in my heart with living on my own, not worrying about my next dime or that I can't do this? Enough, God. Please, enough.
One thing I found that I enjoy is my daily walks. They become elating, as I march along talking to you, God, smiling, weeping. Seems to put the afternoon into perspective. Even after two years it is humbling that I take such pride in feeling married in my heart, even though you aren't physically here.
I've been told by so many - pastor, other widows, even my dear counselor, that there is nothing wrong with me and I am perfectly normal in every way. I guess I take too much stock in what I believe others are thinking or may be saying about me. Like my counselor said, "When did you become a mind reader?" Well, I'm not.
My mantra to God is to just let me be me now, wear my rings, keep my last name, be known as your beloved wife forevermore. I'm not doing anything wrong, nor is the enjoyment of living on my own, in our home, and taking care of everything myself. I do ask for help when I need it. I'm not stupid!
But, some things remain a struggle lately, like getting up in the morning and feeling the anxiety creep in. Coming home and that feeling of emptiness being back where the cat once filled.
I chalk it up to the little grief monster of depression, and tell God, oh come on. That's enough. Take it away, for Christ sake. How long do I have to suffer? Can't I have peace in my heart with living on my own, not worrying about my next dime or that I can't do this? Enough, God. Please, enough.
Replies
Debbie...prior to my husband and his death I was a very much in control person. Life threw me lemons and I was able to make lemonade...good lemonade. I had survived an extremely abusive first marriage, raised my daughter alone, lived well worked hard and took care of everything. I was successful in every way and when I met my husband he was the icing on the cake...he made my life complete and completely happy. When he died my world and everything I was in it fell apart. Knowing I was a survivor I \"decided\" that I would do just that. I put in a lot of effort to \"make myself better\" to grow stronger and to put my faith in God, my life in His hands and accept what I could not change by counting my blessings. Sometimes I think that I just talked myself into all of this. I convince myself most of the time but then the reality of it all hits me. I am alone, as much as I am his wife, he\'s not here, as much as I can do and do things with my friends he is still gone. It gets me down and I fight the depression of thinking that this is my life now...a life without him... Just when we think that our journey has smoothed out and we are adjusting that grief monster hits...we wonder if it will ever quit laying in wait. Since my husband\'s death life has continued throwing me lemons..I either have lost the recipe or am running out of sugar.
I call out to God as well...come on..enough already. Good thing you know enough to go back to your counselor when necessary...sending you my best wishes...
Debbie,
I am sending you hugs. i know how you feel, and you are not alone. I think I am doing great and then ...whammo.... the sadness touches my heart in a big way!
Hang in there and hold onto God\'s promises... that is the only thing that keeps me going!
Linda
Debbie, your love for your husband is special and continues to be a big part of your life....there is nothing wrong with that. Don`t ever doubt what you feel in your heart, sending you hugs, Lu Ann
My thoughts are with you my friend. Never forget what an example you are to others like yourself. I too, don\'t want to get married again, for I am already married. I found the best soul mate for me, and I doubt that I would find another one. I just want to live my life the best way I possibly know how, and if people talk, let them talk. Be the best that you can be. Dick is very proud of you and loves you as much as you love him. I know that you will be together forever. May you feel the blessings of God upon you! Hugs~Shelley
Debbie I am praying for you. You have been so positive for us. I know it gets hard no matter what we do. There are so many people in this world who never experience the love you and husband shared. We all get so overwhelmed at times. I too ask God to relieve my pain and give me strength. Hang in there. Hugs Edie
Debbie, there is no explaining to do, you are not doing anything wrong, your decision to be devoted to your husband is your own personal choice. The depression is as you say, a little grief monster that tends to sneak up on all of us. It never truly leaves us, it becomes a coping excerise. Your Richard is there with you, helping you, always
Oh God, thank you all for the support. I have turned to God for there is really nothing else I can do, except do the best I can every day in every way. He knows my heart and my limitations. He knows how much I want to hold onto my home, and keep my last name. You dwell on these things for so long that they consume your every thought, then you reach a point where you get tired of worrying about them, and just decide you don\'t have to worry about any of it today. Tomorrow may never get here, but today you are safe in God\'s arms.
I didn\'t realize I was such a positive influence to you all. All I do know is that I had such a wonderful man. The best.