The Struggle
It has been no easy task moving to a completely new home. I moved 400 miles to be with my boyfriend of 2.5 years, and there have been times (often) when I wonder if I've made a terrible mistake. Of course, failure may not be the lesson here, but my anxiety has a way of eating me alive! I came up here with the full intention of making this work no matter what. I had a goal, and so far that goal is pretty well played out. All except the biggest of them all...my relationship with my boyfriend. Now, obviously, I made a huge life change only to strengthen our bond and to move forward. I feel like this alone shows that I value him and our relationship deeply. Especially, since I had a full time job where I was, my favorite school, the best supporting friendships I could ask for, my own apartment, etc. I CHOSE to be here. I set all my ducks in a row and I took a huge risk (plus I quit my job early, so I knew money would be tight) but, this doesn't seem to be enough. I am already an affectionate person, so I touch him and kiss him as often as I can.
Communication is our biggest conquest. We can't seem to resolve issues as they arise. No matter what the problem is....it turns out into a war. There are certain things I expect in a relationship, and the biggest one is respect. He likes to joke A LOT. Although, he says he tries to have a conversation with me, he always is made feel like his opinion doesn't matter. So, I ask him why he feels that way. He says, that I always cut him off and don't let him speak or tell him something he says is stupid. However, most of the time when I'm having an issue, he IS joking around or not taking supporting me seriously. But, we can't just talk this out. NO! He calls me names, constantly. Now, OF COURSE, he claims he is joking and that I'm too sensitive. But, when your boyfriend is always referring to you as psycho or crazy 50 times a day, or bitch, (joking of course?) and it out weighs the love and affection you receive...it can be hard not to crack. All of this added onto the stress I'm already dealing with not being close with anyone here and not making the money I'm used to making. It feels like a constant headache. I can't get anything across to him.
I try several approaches. I try breathing and remaining calm and asking why he does things; I try ignoring certain things / picking my battles (which I could probably do more of); sometimes I just walk away or go for a drive....he will then call me a coward. I just want us to be good. Sometimes he makes me feel shitty, but for the most part I know not to believe the crap he's calling me or telling me to put me down. I just hate that we can't just be happy!! He tells me I'm negative and selfish. That I'm a coward and immature, and I don't know how to have a conversation. I know that when I'm feeling anxious or emotional it's hard for me to come off clearly. That's why I walk away. But even still, it seems like no matter what I try he talks me in circles and nothing ever gets resolved. I'm running out of hope...and that isn't like me. I'm a very determined, strong woman who's traditionally independent and outgoing. But I'm feeling so lost on how to mend this relationship so we are both happy!!
Communication is our biggest conquest. We can't seem to resolve issues as they arise. No matter what the problem is....it turns out into a war. There are certain things I expect in a relationship, and the biggest one is respect. He likes to joke A LOT. Although, he says he tries to have a conversation with me, he always is made feel like his opinion doesn't matter. So, I ask him why he feels that way. He says, that I always cut him off and don't let him speak or tell him something he says is stupid. However, most of the time when I'm having an issue, he IS joking around or not taking supporting me seriously. But, we can't just talk this out. NO! He calls me names, constantly. Now, OF COURSE, he claims he is joking and that I'm too sensitive. But, when your boyfriend is always referring to you as psycho or crazy 50 times a day, or bitch, (joking of course?) and it out weighs the love and affection you receive...it can be hard not to crack. All of this added onto the stress I'm already dealing with not being close with anyone here and not making the money I'm used to making. It feels like a constant headache. I can't get anything across to him.
I try several approaches. I try breathing and remaining calm and asking why he does things; I try ignoring certain things / picking my battles (which I could probably do more of); sometimes I just walk away or go for a drive....he will then call me a coward. I just want us to be good. Sometimes he makes me feel shitty, but for the most part I know not to believe the crap he's calling me or telling me to put me down. I just hate that we can't just be happy!! He tells me I'm negative and selfish. That I'm a coward and immature, and I don't know how to have a conversation. I know that when I'm feeling anxious or emotional it's hard for me to come off clearly. That's why I walk away. But even still, it seems like no matter what I try he talks me in circles and nothing ever gets resolved. I'm running out of hope...and that isn't like me. I'm a very determined, strong woman who's traditionally independent and outgoing. But I'm feeling so lost on how to mend this relationship so we are both happy!!
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