The Strength never asked
The strength I never asked but forever beholden.
In the darkest moments of my life, I endured and still is enduring. I have relatives refusing to come and let alone help, people refusing to shake my hands because of my “bad luck”, friends not talking to me because I forgot social etiquette, two phone calls to say condolences when my wife died (but 20+ to congratulate me receiving a research grant)….a perfect reflection of the state of human consciousness which is none…we are so afraid of the topic of death.
In darkest moments, I was forced to endure…burn yourself in fire…pain, excruciating, indescribable, unbearable pain….it is burning 24 hours a day, even during dreams when your wife’s visit left a pillow soaked with tears
Pain…total darkness…complete devastation and despair…with any moment of burning fire you endure…gradually with darkness comes with a slight glimpse of light…that is light of your soul, your spirit, your true self…When your body is burned out, all left is your soul, your shining soul. Every_thing is gone, no_thing stays. Spirit is not a thing. You are the light…the darkness is still there, it hasn’t changed and it intensifies sometimes…it is still trying to take you away. You are enduring…but with reinvigorated strength and growing confidence… You say: “let the fear, darkness, sadness come…” and they will come and continue to come, in waves, but they don’t stay in you anymore….you let them go through you…your transparent spirit…they cannot stay…you don’t allow them to stay…. The fire of grief CANNOT burn you out when the wave of pain wash your soul. Your soul won’t allow that anymore. Every time you let the sweeping pain come and go through you, you become stronger.
You don’t become stronger because you fight the pain, you’re stronger because you embrace it with unflinching courage. You realize that the pain is not your enemy…it is your experience and you feel the pain less when you experience it more…until one day you decide to choose NOT. That day will come…it may not come to you yet, but it will come…that is day where you realize that pain is necessary until it is unnecessary. It is necessary to make you strong but unnecessary because you are strong, already. Pain cannot burn you any more; you burn pain and fear.
Then you are living in a state with a new view of the world…with new perspective about life. You see life as it truly is. You never live in a dream any more. You live in peace that comes with joy….a surrendered state where everything seems to be opposite of what was used to be. You are friendly, humble,compassionate, considerate---seemingly a weakened state in an egoic world, but real strengths in disguise, because you know, when the shit hits the fan again (and it will), you will be the only one standing. You have no fear, you are invincible.
In the darkest moments of my life, I endured and still is enduring. I have relatives refusing to come and let alone help, people refusing to shake my hands because of my “bad luck”, friends not talking to me because I forgot social etiquette, two phone calls to say condolences when my wife died (but 20+ to congratulate me receiving a research grant)….a perfect reflection of the state of human consciousness which is none…we are so afraid of the topic of death.
In darkest moments, I was forced to endure…burn yourself in fire…pain, excruciating, indescribable, unbearable pain….it is burning 24 hours a day, even during dreams when your wife’s visit left a pillow soaked with tears
Pain…total darkness…complete devastation and despair…with any moment of burning fire you endure…gradually with darkness comes with a slight glimpse of light…that is light of your soul, your spirit, your true self…When your body is burned out, all left is your soul, your shining soul. Every_thing is gone, no_thing stays. Spirit is not a thing. You are the light…the darkness is still there, it hasn’t changed and it intensifies sometimes…it is still trying to take you away. You are enduring…but with reinvigorated strength and growing confidence… You say: “let the fear, darkness, sadness come…” and they will come and continue to come, in waves, but they don’t stay in you anymore….you let them go through you…your transparent spirit…they cannot stay…you don’t allow them to stay…. The fire of grief CANNOT burn you out when the wave of pain wash your soul. Your soul won’t allow that anymore. Every time you let the sweeping pain come and go through you, you become stronger.
You don’t become stronger because you fight the pain, you’re stronger because you embrace it with unflinching courage. You realize that the pain is not your enemy…it is your experience and you feel the pain less when you experience it more…until one day you decide to choose NOT. That day will come…it may not come to you yet, but it will come…that is day where you realize that pain is necessary until it is unnecessary. It is necessary to make you strong but unnecessary because you are strong, already. Pain cannot burn you any more; you burn pain and fear.
Then you are living in a state with a new view of the world…with new perspective about life. You see life as it truly is. You never live in a dream any more. You live in peace that comes with joy….a surrendered state where everything seems to be opposite of what was used to be. You are friendly, humble,compassionate, considerate---seemingly a weakened state in an egoic world, but real strengths in disguise, because you know, when the shit hits the fan again (and it will), you will be the only one standing. You have no fear, you are invincible.
Replies
I love the last paragraph...the living in peace is so true. Though I did not see myself as one living in ego ..I do not think my joy in others was as sincere as I once thought. For me gratitude has overtaken so much in me that the joy I feel now is where I think my peace is coming from. As I grow in my peace I find myself growing in a quiet way and enjoying others peace more deeply. I feel your peace my friend and as I see you grow I feel that growth in myself as well. Im sorry about those in your life that feel the need to punish you for their conception of social etiquette...perhaps it is they that lack it..years ago the same happened to me in the handling of my mothers burial..to this day I can only reflect on forgiveness in the ignorance of their words at the time. Sending you much love and continued prayers of peace to surround you!!
Well said Tiger. I think this writing might be a little too deep for most people to get . . but I get it. I\'m glad you are delving into the depths of understanding and healing! This is a beautiful thing. Hugs, D
Tempering the steel my friend. That is what I call this journey.
Hugs,
Val
What an incredible journal entry. I am amazed at how you can share your deepest thoughts and articulate them so well. The pain of grief is deep, it physically hurts. It wore me down until I had no choice but to rise back up again. It is still a daily battle, but I am trying to have faith in the life force that guides us all, and know that I am but a mere passenger on this journey.
I am sorry that so many have felt the need to turn away from you. That has happened to all of us. Everyone reacts to death differently, and certain cultures have beliefs that make people behave in certain ways. I do know that the new friends I\'ve made since becoming a widow have been wonderful. They are the ones that understand what I have been through and support me as I am today.
Wishing you peace Tiger.
~ Lori
What a wonderful entry. It is true, pain is necessary at least at this stage of my journey. I am not at peace yet. That is my aim. Big hugs Patti