The Story So Far

Married about 18 years. Father to a teenage boy.

Separated from my wife for over a year.

On-again, off-again relationship with another woman for almost four years.

What will I do?

I met my wife about 25 years ago. We share problems with communication. We didn't maintain healthy communication or on-going work to strengthen our marriage. Unfortunately, it floated along and we gradually drifted. Our connection weakened.

She's a go-getter, but she also controls things. She would rather divide and conquer separately. 

I'd rather share work and burdens to spend time together. I need motivation to get started because I sometimes get anxiety over doing things wrong. Once I get a little support I build momentum. 

She's strong, but can be very insecure about herself and her appearance. She can withdraw a bit. She doesn't often initiate intimacy and isn't very communicative sexually. Less eye contact and less speaking.

I'm more inclined to want to express my feelings physically and intimately. I prefer to hold eye contact, speak directly to her, talk intimately, and want to be together physically for a while or maybe come back later and start up again.

I met my girlfriend four years ago. She had a horrible marriage. She's a go-getter and is similar to my wife in that respect, but she wants someone to help her. She's strong, and she can also feel insecure about herself. She can withdraw if overwhelmed and even lash out, but she is willing to open up and break down communication problems. She starts physical intimacy and enthusiastically takes part. She grew to appreciate eye contact and asking, describing, and otherwise verbally expressing herself. She would want to start and continue and even start up again later. She was curious and adventurous. She could be vulnerable and shy, yet open to caring and support and revealing her thoughts.

I eagerly helped with chores and mundane tasks with my girlfriend. It was fun. I also felt needed and useful. I learned to communicate better and take responsibility for getting frustrated and angry. I helped her do the same. She felt even stronger and decided that regardless of what happened between us she needed to leave her destructive and toxic marriage. I helped and supported her emotionally through her divorce.

After about two years my wife discovered the affair. We entered marriage counselling and tried to make things work. I needed to break from my girlfriend so I could focus on improving my relationship with my wife.

Of course, that isn't what happened. While trying to stay away, I became more involved with my girlfriend. I needed to find out what I wanted: marriage and my family, or divorce and a new life with my girlfriend.

Because I never really focused on the work, it all dragged on. I eventually decided I needed to leave and move out.

We separated and started going to a mediator. I still saw my girlfriend instead of trying to get closure on my marriage.

Eventually, I recognized and admitted to myself that I didn't work at fixing my marriage. I know that I need to work at my marriage, at the very least to see if we can reconcile, to honor my decision to try mending the damage. If it cannot work, if the damage is done, if forgiving and forgetting is too difficult then I certainly need to discover that and get closure.

If I'm going to stay marriage I need to do the work

If I'm going to start a life with my girlfriend I need to do the work.

Over the last year, I've still had difficulty breaking from my girlfriend. We know we need to do it, but carrying it out is very difficult. We've had time apart a few times for a month, two months, a couple of weeks. 

The draw is so strong. The connection is hard to ignore.

I would want my marriage to have the kind of connection and communication that I have with my girlfriend.

I'm scared and insecure about being about able to manage things on my own. The lack of security. The on-again, off-again time for my son instead of much more stable time together.

I live in an apartment alone. Living and sleeping in an empty place is cold. That's not the life I want.

How do I know what to do?

I love my wife. Unfortunately, so much is unknown right now.

I love my girlfriend. If I just walk away from my marriage, will she be able to trust me? She's already waited a long time for me to sort myself out. Can she wait longer?

Can I wait longer?