the story

I am 23 years old and just experienced a miscarriage with my son. I was 23 weeks pregnant and his name is Jace. I was having a somewhat normal pregnancy, except for the fact that I experienced some bleeding a few times during my first trimester. I was so scared the first time it happened, went to the e.r., and he was still very much alive and healthy. I read up, and determined that a lot of women have bleeding early on, with even multiple pregnancies. This assured me that, though unsettling and uncommon, it was not a detrimental occurrence. A couple of nights ago during my 23rd week, my boyfriend and I were having sex. I began to have cramps and told him I needed to rest. I quickly started having contractions about 30 seconds apart. We called an ambulance, as he needed to stay home with my stepson, and I was transported to labor and delivery with an unfathomable urge to push which I resisted. When I got to the hospital, my mother was in the room they brought me to. My boyfriend had called her in a panic, and she and my stepfather were already there. I was having the worst pain I had ever experienced. I resisted the urge to push, still. For what seemed like forever, I lay on the table and endure debilitating contractions. The ultrasound determines that my baby boy's tiny heart is beating, but I can tell from hearing it a few times that it is slow. There are 3 or 4 nurses there, and a doctor tells me that I'm going to deliver. I'm dilated to 5 cm and the baby is coming. I started to get sick, and simultaneously my water broke. It wasn't long after my water broke that he faded away, I suppose. There was no monitoring of him after that. It was explained to me that it was highly unlikely to save his life at this point. I was pumped full of pain killers. It didn't really help. I was in labor for about 6 hours after that. I was pretty out of it with the pain killers, and about an hour after my epidural, my boyfriend showed up. I fealt the urge to push and a sweet nurse delivered my gorgeous son. 1 lb and 12 oz, 12'' long. I did not look at him first, because I was scared. This beautiful nurse took him, bathed and dressed him, and presented him to me in a wicker bassinet. I touched his hands and feet and even held him briefly. I mostly looked at him and cried. No one else wanted to see him, but I needed to say goodbye..and I'm so glad I did. I am home now, after two nights in the hospital. I don't know how I feel. I honestly can't explain it. I need someone to talk to, and I need closure. I want my baby boy in my arms so badly. I feel like he is somewhere and I can't reach him. I feel like I can't and shouldn't go on without him. Someone please help me.