The slip

When did it start?  It's hard to tell.  At some point during the week I felt the space of ambivalence.  The rosy pink cloud phase was over, and I was bored with my sobriety.  But I had almost made it a month.  I figured I was doing pretty darn good.  The familiar sequence of events goes like this.  I've been able to resist alcohol.  Maybe I am not really an alcoholic after all.  I can, and often do, control my drinking when I really need to.  Maybe I just need to be more careful.  I can probably handle moderate drinking.  I think I just got scared and blew the situation out of proportion.   Hence, the relapse cycle begins. I sat in my therapist's office defensively, saying that I wasn't sure I was committed to complete sobriety.  I knew the party was coming up.  Did I really want to go and explain to my friends that I have quit drinking entirely, be bored and socially awkward, or can I just this once have fun the way I know how to do it?   No.  I know I shouldn't drink.  I know this is a trap that the addict has laid out for me.  I really should go to the party because I haven't seen my friend in so long.  But I cannot drink.  But the craving is getting stronger.  Why now?  Why this week? The day of the party, I was upset by a conversation I had with BF.  The topic doesn't matter, it was the same issue and fear that arises periodically.  Feeling unsettled, I knew if I went to the party I would drink.  I posted on DS for help  I got in the car.  I thought to myself, now I understand why people get sponsors.   Somewhere on the freeway the addict took over.  Screw it, I want to drink.  I can drink if I want.  Having planned to meet BF later I knew I couldn't get too drunk.  After all he still doesn't know about my "problem" (if I really have one) and I don't want to make trouble.  So I will just have one or two drinks. I get to the party.  There are some people drinking, some not drinking.  It would be easy to be a non-drinker.  But after 5 minutes with friends there is my glass of wine.  I begin to socialize.  Having not the full effect of the alcohol, it was difficult.  After my second drink, I was talking up a storm.  Life is good, I feel better, I am having fun now.   The woman I was talking to finished her one and only drink and said, OK I am getting some water, I have to drive.  I quickly said, "me too."  Remembering my promise not to drink too much.  But before long there was glass #3, then a beer, and there I was avoiding said woman so she didn't know I was losing control. It's 11 now.  I am thoroughly buzzed.  But I think I can still drive and it's time to meet BF.  I needed to get out of this party now.  I think I can still drive, but know darn well I would be in trouble if I were pulled over.  The woman said goodbye to me and added, "be careful driving."  Crap, she knew.