The situation

I'm just focusing on surviving.I've been surviving at low levels,in pain,in poverty.If i learn how to suffer right i might set myself up for something good since all i do most of the time is suffer.I believe when god closes a door he opens another one.I have no energy to do anything everyday,no capacity of mind(do to chemical imbalance) do work at all under any kind of stress,and i am crippled by my emotions(mostly pain of the mind for no good reason).So if god opens this door i see the only way is to put me on a new med that works in these areas i lack.I believe i am through the hall and entering the next door,but i will not wait till i'm ninety nine to get better.It would have been better to never have been born,or seen the sun than to grow up to be an unhappy man.I will get on meth at a clinic which is the only thing i've found that turns the constant suffering into someting that actually feels good most of the time.I know the dangers of this drug,but i wont live unhappy.Nothing else is worse.