The Second Worst Thing
The worst outcome would have been if Rob died during surgery. Thankfully, that didn't happen. What I was terrified of was for the biopsies to show cancer. I didn't want Rob to have to suffer through chemotherapy and to be afraid of death. As afraid as I was, I never saw it coming. I still can't wrap my head around what happened and I don't think I ever will.
On March 20, around 6:20, Rob's surgeon came to talk to me about his surgery. He was about an hour too early which I thought meant his surgery went very well. My heart was full of joy for about a second before my brain registered the look on Dr. Kim's face. He said that he has bad news and I asked if he was alive. Yes. Oh, thank God, he's alive. What happened next was a blur.
On March 20, around 6:20, Rob's surgeon came to talk to me about his surgery. He was about an hour too early which I thought meant his surgery went very well. My heart was full of joy for about a second before my brain registered the look on Dr. Kim's face. He said that he has bad news and I asked if he was alive. Yes. Oh, thank God, he's alive. What happened next was a blur.
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I am so over this life business. I wish I were the one with terminal cancer. Rob has so much life to live and experience. If I were the one to die, he could get remarried and have children. He\'d be an amazing dad. He has a great job and is just at the beginning of his career. He\'s making good money and has the potential to do great things. He could be happy and experience joy if I were the one to die. I hold him back. I can\'t give him children or a happy life. I can barely pick up groceries and make him dinner. I can\'t go out to dinner or a movie with him very often. There\'s no way I could travel with him. I can\'t make many memories for him. I\'ve been a burden and a killjoy from the start.
Instead of the waste of space dying, he is. The healthy (despite Crohn\'s) one got stage four cancer. The one with a bright smile and future is going to leave me here alone.
What the hell do I have in my future? It\'s not pleasant. I\'m the one who can\'t work anymore. I\'m at the stump part of The Giving Tree. No one in their right mind would ever marry me. I\'m not attractive physically or in any other way. It\'s not that I\'m not beautiful or plain, I\'m ugly. Really ugly...and over weight. I walk with a limp, and bed ridden most of the time, on disability, and depressed as hell. When I\'d get in a really dark place (like now), I\'d think, \"Thank God I have Rob.\" Life would be pointless without him. Without him, my life will consist of endless days of being stuck in bed, at the mercy of my parents, with no one to talk to. My friends faded away when I got sick. I have a few true friends but they either live too far away or are busy with life. My only living sibling thinks that it\'s ok to vent to me about how horrible having three kids and a husband busy with his residency for medical school is while I\'m limping down the hospital hallway to get my terminally ill and hospitalized husband some ice.she has no idea how much I envy her life. I\'ve always wanted children, I\'d love to be pain free, and not be facing the death of my sweetheart. So, I can\'t really talk to her. My parents are out of state and right now I just want to curl up in the fetal position while my mom rubs my back.
I\'m in a dark place. Tomorrow I turn 36 and the only thing I can think of is if I\'ll be a widow when I turn 37. Is this my last birthday with my sweetheart? According to Dr. Kim, probably. Dr. Morgan thinks I won\'t be a widow until I\'m around 38. So do most of the doctors we\'ve talked to. Dr. Lowy may be able prevent my widowed status from happening until I\'m 41. I pray to God every day that we will have a miracle. I want to see my husband enjoy a long and beautiful life. I want him to run 5ks again and ride his bike with his friends. I want him to invent all of the programs he\'s imagined and go back to Spain. He loves Spain. I want to fight like hell in physical therapy and be strong enough to adopt a baby (or two) with him. I want to see him get to be a Dad. I want to be the wife he deserves.
I don\'t want him to die.