The roller coaster

So last night was rough.  H seemed blah, but when I asked what was up I got the standard "nothing" reply.  tried again, same result.  Abouth 30 min later he says Christmas is going to be good right??  We'll go shopping together this weekend, knock it all out it'll be good right? 
 I say, yeah it'll be good,, won't be able to overspend like you usually do, because no bonusses at work this year, and overtime cut back,, but thats ok, kids are older, we don't need to buy for each other,,it'll be fine.
Another few minutes go by and he says Christmas is going to suck.
Then some random grumbling, I don't remember about what,, I ask so are you wanting to fight or what? cuz he's getting loud,, not yelling yet,, but kids are home,, so too loud for baby girl, the queen of eavesdropping.  He says no I don't want to fight. calms down a bit.  Then few min later volume starts to amp up again, I'm like ok so you ARE wanting to fight? cuz you just bring up random shit,, you going to start a list about T<B<C? (kids). Then he starts bitchin about the taxes.  And I am soooo sick of dealing with the taxes, fighting with them etc the whole thing. He's bitchin about it being on his credit, like that matters at this point, so is the 75k in medical bills.  Then he says I thought you were going to be able to take care of this am I going to have to get atty or what? I say, yeah, cuz I can't deal w it anymore, hire someone.  Then  he says, but you told me you could take care of it, what, did you lie? I said no, I just can't do it.  He said you've been lying telling me youd take care of it.
I said,    yeah and you lied to me for 20 years when you said you'd never cheat on us.
OUCH
he gave me this look, said One more time
this is first time that I have retaliated like that,,he might say differently, the first few hours,even days after dday are ablur, but that I remember is first time I had done that.  But his One More Time, was like a challenge.  I turned looked him dead on in the eye and said " I said oh yeah? and you promised me for 20 years you wouldn't cheat and YOU LIED!
kablam!
He jumped up said That's it , I'm done , I'm not dealing with this,  you'll get a divorce.
I said, well I can't remember exactly how it all went, some is fuzzy, but at one point he started blaming me and I said no you did this..He said no we are here because of you.  I said no you did this, we had problems but you are not going to be mad and pick a fight w me because you're too chicken shit to deal with the consequenses of what youve done, and if you're not going to work on us, just be mad, then I want you out of my house. By this time I'm crying. He keeps saying something I don't really hear him.  I repeated like 3 times just leave my house.  He left the bedroom.
I cry for 10 min or so, then get up go into living room where he is on the couch,,,all the Christmas lights on,,breaking my heart and pissin me off all at the same time. I say what are you doing here, I told you I wanted you to leave.  He said I'm not leaving. I said yes you are. No I'm not.  he said, it's Christmas time, we'll fake it, manage for couple weeks till after Christmas.  I said oh helll no.  you think you want to leave,m you want a divorce, then go, no sense putting it off.   I am not going to fake it till after Christmas and then you walk away. If that is your plan you have to leave now.  Was that always your plan? the long con I talked about the first day or two after dday? Fake it till after Christmas ,fck me and then leave? He said I'll never touch you again, don't worry, I said I wasnt talking about sex i was saying fck me over.   All this working on us  was it all fake? Am I an idiot are you still talking to her? he says....................who?
WHO? WHO? are you f'in kiddng me? Oh hell no, he says, theres nothing there ,
So I dunno, sure I am forgetting parts, but again he says I can't do this, I can't look at you like this, or with you throwing it back in my face, this isn't going to work.  I said it's been 5 damn weeks!!! You gave her 6 months and you can only give me 5 weeks?  You had a 6 month relationship with her,,, but you only let me have 5 weeks?? he said I did not have a relationship with her.  I said hell you didn't.  You were talking to her instead of talking to me.  You were sending her emails instead of sending them to me, you were thinking about her instead of thinking about me.  You were jumping through hoops to go somewhere so you could call her.  You, my H who complains of a ten minute car ride, drove 3 F'in hours to Fck her, NOT ME.  You had a relationship with her, even if it was all lies on your end, and I deserve at least equal time I think.
I walked away, did some laundry cuz son informed me he had no clean jeans for school,,,because I refuse to go in his room n pick up laundry,, if its not in hamper it doesnt get washed,,,,,sooo now I'm doing laundry at ten o clock.
So half hour later H gets out of shower     comes to bedroom sits down and says I did this.  You are right, I did this.  I don't know how I could have but I did and I am so so sorry.  I'm crying.   He's crying.  M---- he says, I do love you.  I say I love you too. we talk some more, cant remember neccesarily order,, but I tell him,  I have to have a commitment from you, if you don't want to work at it, then ok time to leave.  If you do, then you have to make a commitment of at very very least of 6 month, since thats what you gave her,, of truly working on us , I can't do this up n down every few days, of this isnt going to work i'm leaving.  I say should be a year. He says, kinda chuckling, well I don't seem to be very good at commitment, I said, well you seemed to do ok for 20 and half years, I think you can again.  He's crying.  In the last few weeks I have seen this man cry more than in the last 20 years.  It's good.  we talk some more,,than go to bed.
He looks at me kinda funny when I snuggle up next to him.  I say do you not want me to lie next to you?  He looks so sad, says no its good.  I'm massaging on him, his arms his legs, his chest.  I think he may be crying.  I say do you want me to stop, he says no, it just feels so good and makes me sad I fckd up so bad and I love you so much.  So then I got frisky and he caught his breath.  I said do you not want me to do this?   he says, why do you want to do this?  I said because I love you.  Because I want to bond with you.  Because I want to remind myself there is more to us than the fighting.  We made love.  It was raw and emotional and we both cried at different times during it.  It was good, and it was healing. 
One of the things we had talked about earlier was mc,, he had consented, I questioned his motives early in the argument.  Later I confessed that he consented but I hadnt made the appointment because I was scared to death of many things,,, that he wouldnt really participate when there, and I would be hurt,, that we wouldn't be able to handle "the worse" that comes before the better, when dealing with all our crap.
As we were drifting of to sleep all curled up together he whispers, your going to make an appointment for us tomorrow, right?? I say yes, he says good, I love you.
WOW. This is my husband, hard to believe. And then he started snoring, and I knew yup,,, that's my husband :)
 
I was crying a lot when I wrote this, so if anyone else is getting a glimpse into my twisted psyche I appologive for typos, grammer, and spelling. 
 
       
 

Replies

kansasgirl1970
kansasgirl1970

yeah appologize even sheesh
thebeachretreat
thebeachretreat

I\'m glad you are going into counseling. Did you ever order the book, \"Not Just Friends\" by Dr. Shirley Glass? It was a HUGE help to me.

One thing my H struggled with is he was ready to walk away and forget the whole thing happened and then he grew frustrated at my inability to cope and deal with it. What he has learned is that is is now a part of the fabric of our marriage. It was a monumental event that will still deal with. Not nearly as much about the first year, but it is still a part of our dealings on occasion as we near the two year mark. This seems to be a slow lesson for the CS to totally understand that their affair removed the foundation of the marriage. It has to be built back brick by brick (Hey, there is a song Brick by Brick by Train that is awesome) and it doesn\'t happen over night. I could have written your entire journal in the early months after my dday. I know how you feel.
kansasgirl1970
kansasgirl1970

Thanks beach, no I havent ordered the book yet, but its on my list of todo. I think H is realizing that its forever changed,, several times he\'s just hung his head and said it will never be the same...I keep saying we don\'t want it the same, that\'s how we got here... but he gets frustrated with me,,,,which really translates into frustration with himself..... ugh he long road, its exhausting.
deleted_user
deleted_user

It is a long road...for the two of you. It is going to tale more than 6 months....he broke your trust and that it is very difficult to restore. My h and I had and still have the same conversations. Wishing you peace
shtmyhbdid
shtmyhbdid

OMG. One helluva night! Have you read my journal yet? Sounds a lot like yours... frighteningly so!

Hang in there, Kansas! Hugs!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Wow! What a night for you! I feel like I was right there - seeing/hearing it all. I know the way we \"react\" to certain situations make our H\'s want to run from us. It so good to see that yours stuck it out & realized that he needed to be there - after all he\'s the one that created this mess - he needs to he there to help with the cleanup. Exhausting evening for sure - but glad to hear the end result was good!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Brava girlfriend! Wishing you the best.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh forget about the t ypos and errors! It was written very well, almost as if I was a fly on the wall! I do think the tears were good, and cleansing, and I feel like your honesty is refreshing. Some people on state the good stuff, not sure why, but you painted the picture which I found to be very real, and I do think you guys will be fine in time! But it\'s a long road, but for the short time since D-day, I really think you guys have communicated well, and will do well!