The Real World
It has been a while since I wrote a journal...the days pass quickly by. I guess I am in a place of frustration with the "slowness" of recovery. I want to be debt-free NOW. I want to have enough money to retire on and go travel the world....YEAH RIGHT! I think what is happening is that I am facing the real world. I am seeing the results of the choices I've made over the last few years. I am paying the price. The dream world I lived in during the last few years....that world where I could just "go play" and nothing bad would happen and "I'll worry about that later" has fallen to dust. I am standing there in this pile of dust and realizing I have a lot of work and struggle and permanent consequences to face. If I had started saving instead when I started gambling....I would be debt free now on my way to financial security. It is not good to dwell forever in a place of regret.....but I have to move through and face the regret, face the consequences, to avoid going there again and to move on to another place. I feel a bit like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix waking up from the dream world generated by the machines to find that reality is a lot more gritty and serious than the dream world...I have a lot of work and a hard fight to fight. Just like in the movie, the machines still beckon to go back to the dream....the dream covers the reality of slavery to the machines.....and a choice must be made...... I've made the choice to face reality. That doesn't make it easy. I am facing some challenges in my business right now that really knocked the wind out of me a couple of days ago. For a couple of minutes.....I almost thought I might gamble over it. I was going to a party in a hotel and there is a casino next door...I almost walked in.... Then I realized that there is no setback or disappointment that gambling would help. I need ME to be present and not lost in some gambling dream world to face life. I need ALL my resources; time, money, and especially confidence and pride in myself to overcome the obstacles that come my way. NO WAY, NO HOW, NO GAMBLING
Replies
Diane, sorry to hear you are having such a tough time right now. You are right,... gambling will not help. I too often think about where I would be financially if I just hadn\'t gambled myself into a big black hole of debt. I keep trying to get it paid off, but it just seems like it takes forever. Hang in there, hope things look a little brighter soon. Love and hugs
I know how you feel! It\'s a hard slap in the face when you think about what good that money could have done. But that is the past, it can\'t be changed. You have made wonderful strides the past several months, keep moving forward and you will soon see the rewards. Just look at how far you have come from where you once was. I\'m sorry you are feeling so down. I pray you find some peace of mind and soul. How\'s your mom doing? Peace and Love. PAtty
Dianne, I always love your honesty, and your not alone in the financial mess either. I know what you mean wanting it gone now! I have finally come to realize this is not going to happen and thats that. Ive actually made myself physically sick worrying about it in the past & used it as an excuse I couldnt tell you how many times to go back to the casino.
Now give yourself a pat on the back! Your facing challenges and an uphill fight, but you are facing them head on and making the right decisions WTG!! Just for today, I will not gamble. HUGS
You may be in a struggle, but you sound so balanced and like you are on the right path. The world may be more harsh without the fantasy of a last minute win to save the day, but you have regained your inner compass to guide you now instead of the lure of a false world that was guiding your actions. You sound good to me!
I so know the feeling of living with the consequences after the fact. The biggest one is a little over two years ago... I had almost died as a result of a certain drug I was put on and I had won a huge settlement from the company as a result. I was on disability at the time and then I got this load of money after a 4 year struggle in the courts. I had to watch myself gamble this all away. It was an affront to all my lower income friends. I closed the machines every night all night. A $20 dollar bill lasted only as long as it took me to reach down and slide it into the slot, bet, and reach for another one... a few seconds. I had to watch myself lose even the last few thousand dollars I had given to my parents to hold onto for me \"just in case\" so I would have some money left if I gambled it all away, and they had no idea. I have nothing to show for my settlement now except that I have not gambled in 2 years.
If I hadnt already learned that gambling actually increases its own consequences even more, I\'m sure I would have tried to gamble just over the grief and loss I still feel twinges of occasionally. I know in my heart I would kill myself if I ever did something like that again. The promise I made never to do it again is what kept me from ending it all back then.
But you\'d be surprised how your financial view of things can change... you look at your future now like it is lacking because you didnt save for it... you could have some big windfall happen. You never know! Staying in the present is the best way I\'ve found to keep clear of the regrets gambling addiction throws out there to entice you back to going out on another run.
Sorry for the rambling comment, something about how clear you sound just resonated in me. You are doing so good!
This is a do-over! Dang it! I accidentally deleted my comment! I can never get it back the same way... lol... too much thinking! lol some more. I was just going into the fact that I can understand your regret. It\'s not that I could actually be so much better off now it I hadn\'t of thrown all that money away, it\'s just that my kids could\'ve had more back then. If I let myself I could almost hate myself for that. I was fortunate to have Mark, he couldn\'t bare to see them go without because I was so foolish and selfish. No, it doesn\'t do any good for me to dwell on that regret. But I sure can understand it. And I know it\'s not gonna\' do you any good to dwell on it too much, either. You\'re working so hard, I was sorry to hear you had some business problems. Poor, Dianne :( It\'s hard owning your own business, huh? I also understand feeling like my recovery has been slow. I know there\'s no cure, but I want to make as many changes as possible, and end up with too big of a challenge. At least that\'s what\'s happening with my food intake! OMG, I can\'t make myself get serious about stopping eating all the time! Hanging out with my grand baby doesn\'t help! lol I want to eat all her yummy goodies, too. Ya\' know, like if she doesn\'t want it. I\'ve gotta\' get a grip! But I know this food addiction is a direct result of quitting smoking...I know this...sigh...not a good excuse, I know. I can change my eating habits if I try, odaat. The real world. It almost seems unreal how much of my time, in the past, was spent in my own crazy world - my magical thinking. In some respects I was worried about losing my magical thinking, I thought I\'d lose my imagination. Didn\'t happen :) Crazy magical thinking that occupied my mind was harmful. I have found my imagination is not. Recovery might be a slow process, but it took me a long time to end up where I was just over a yr ago. I\'m okay with okay...okay is good enough for me, today. Many, many days I way better than okay, really happy, as a matter of fact. Life is good, reality is good. Love you, Robin
(((Dianne))) I am so sorry you are feeling so frustrated right now. It is so difficult to be patient with our recoveries, especially when most of us are impatient in the first place!
I just want to tell you how I see your progress...a view from the outside so to speak. You know that I have read your journal from beginning to end. When I first came to DS and was lucky enough to have you befriend me, you quickly became an inspiration and a role model for me. I read of your struggles and your challenges, your story that so resonated with mine. I watched you go through heartbreaking things with your family, friends and boyfriend. I watched you work seven days a week, giving your all to your business and employees, paying back your debt to the IRS and keeping your business afloat and alive. I have watched you go into a dangerous environment for a cg, so that you could get education for yourself for your business. Through ALL of this you have stayed true to your recovery and remained gamble free. Any ONE of these events could have triggered a less dedicated cg to give up, to think \"poor me, I deserve to gamble\". Yet through them all you have talked them out, connected with your fellow addicts, stayed connected to your HP and worked the program. You have helped countless fellow gamblers just by sharing your journey with us. Yes, your future may have been more financially secure had you never gambled. But to my way of thinking your life is so much \"richer\" now in the truly important ways than it ever would have been had you not have found this program of living because of gambling.
Love,
Julie
Dianne, you have had some beautiful and wise comments left here by your friends.
They understand like I do how you feel. - facing the real world. Living life and facing the consequences of our choices, really hard things to do.
I have to think of it like this - yes there were choices I have made in the past - bad ones and now I will eventually reap the consequences - initially recovery was just that - recoverying, getting my mind and soul healthy, now it\'s about living gamble free - each and every day. Knowing for myself that gambling isn\'t an option. For a normal person it shouldn\'t be - I am no good at it and i lose - far more than money.
The dream world of a gambler.
I got an email the other day - I will try and post it for you to read. I think you would enjoy it. - it\'s about contentment.
You are a wonderful person, your life has changed completely - I know recovery is hard damn hard. I am with you all the way.
Hugs and love to you today Suzi
you made it through the crisis and that says alot for you. the reality of our mistakes is an awesome effect but it to will pass with time. things will get better the longer you are gf. i am so proud of you and you give me the inspiration i need to do this myself. you have came so far and each day you get a lttle farther down the road even if it doesnt feel like it. thank you love t
Hi Dianne: I love this entry; it embodies what I feel quite often. The regret sometimes immobilizes me and I think about gambling because so much damage was done. Why should I care at this point if I lose more money? But reality sets in, or I choose to face it, and realize how crazy that thinking is. I am frequently frustrated with the slowness of digging out of this financial quagmire, and I try to keep in mind that I don\'t need to make it worse. Your recovery is always inspiring; I value you as a friend.
hugs
brigette