The real me who no one can understand

So it's been almost a year that I've been a member of DS. I've been feeling irritable, moody and stressed. I hate myself. In pictures I look like a fatass loser. Honestly I think I'm going paranoid. I feel like I had been finding answers to why my life is the way it is. 
I recently feel like I had been the daughter of a narcissistic mother. A mother who fucking compares her daughter to other people, even her own daughters friends and making the daughters self esteem worse and worse. I also have a dad who is just screwed up. I say I feel like a loser and a failure when his answer is "it's cos you're delayed. You were born premature." Well you know what? Fuck it! I am sick and tired of that fucking answer. I just want to scream and say "Will you stop saying that?" 
yes I do admit. I am disturbed. Very disturbed. I get easily irritated when getting compared to a family member who's similar to me. I hate it. 
Im just getting worse and worse. Nothing is working completely. I've done horrible shit in the past just to feel I have some power. Which is in reality stupid. 
Im been comparing myself to someone I used to know. And I can't shut off the voice in my head. the demonic voices.