The Rain is only in my Brain
It has rained on and off most of the day. When it does rain I can hear it in my trailer. Up until now the rain we have I generally can't hear. California's call mist rain and rain is a down pour! ha ha. Today was the lowest I have had since last Saturday. Probably it is because I have not left the trailer all day. But reality is I haven't been able to reach my son. After last weekend when my father refused to let me visit him, I have been hoping that maybe my son would at least type me a chat message or email saying he was okay but didn't want to talk to me. I sent him an email saying if he would just do that I could accept it and would not bother him for a few weeks. But nothing...nothing for ever. I sent my daughter an email begging her to understand I have no way to know how she and her brother are if they won't answer any calls, emails,chats,snail mail, nothing. Their father I can't call because he has a restraining order against me that won't run out til July 7, 2011. I got the restraining order because my daughter was 16 and she wouldn't answer my calls so I started calling him, then he refused to speak to me and started lying in court that he has lost his job. I was sick of him taking everything from me, so I thought I would see if he still worked at the same place he has worked for the past 5 years. I followed him to see where he worked, only he didn't go to work, he went to the sheriff's department. I thought (being very naive)that he was trying to get a restraining order against me. So I sat in the sheriff's parking lot waiting for him to finish so I could go in and get a restraining order against him. But instead the sheriff came out and arrested me for stalking. Although I never said a word to my ex he claimed he feared for his life from me. I was booked in county jail with a $100,000 bail. It cost me $8000 to get out of jail that evening at 8:30pm. I had to walk home in the rain to the room I rented because they towed my car, they took away my cell so I couldn't call anyone, because the only phone #I knew by heart was my home #, only it wasn't my home anymore. I haven't been allowed to see my daughter on her birthday since she was 15, when she was 16 I was in the hospital on my 3rd operation for breast cancer in 3 months, I was hooked up to 6 drains, and could hardly get out of bed. Since then my ex has championed her to not have anything to do with me,because I am a trouble maker and crazy. He reasons, my breast cancer was just a bad hair day and of no importance let alone real.(That's why I had to have friends bring me home from the hospital, he wouldn't come get me.)I went to a mental hospital to get away from him, because I was crying so bad I didn't know what else to do and at least they could take care of my infections in my incisions. Yes I filed for divorce, I thought my kids were getting the wrong idea of how to take care of a family member when they are sick and I just couldn't tell myself that this man cared anything about me. Ever since then he has been on a vendetta path because I asked for joint custody of our daughter and (to him anyway!) amazingly the judge agreed, which meant child support. That was when he really became enraged, how dare he have to pay "ME" anymore money. He refused to pay me spousal support when the judge ordered it, started deducting money and only giving me what he wanted or said he could afford, so I had to have his wages garnished to get him to pay me what he owed me. Meanwhile he has 100% sole access to my kids and really began his brainwashing of them. They have been brainwashed all their lives to believe there was something wrong with me and only he is the sane and intelligent one of their parents. I always tried to take the high road and ignored what he said and did right by my kids. But they are normal kids, money will buy them for one and all that they want or believe. When they realized I had no money, the little bit of concern that they had for me and my situation, disappeared and they lapped up his brain washing like it was water. Unfortunately, I have only added to my situation, I have been depressed and crying is for some reason my main method of dealing with my life and has been for the last 2 years. I grew up in a family where if one of us or any one cried we went into almost overdrive to help them in what ever was making them cry. Not my children and husband's reaction of, they must be crazy, stay as far away from them as you can because they will try to hurt you. They also believe that cancer for me is no big deal, I didn't die yet, so I am not ever going to die from cancer. It might be true, but it might not, I would hate to take a chance that someone I loved won't die from cancer, so I can just ignore them when they are incapacitated.
So back to today...I just wanted to know my son is okay. I haven't heard anything from him since last Saturday when he chatted that he didn't want to talk.A week has gone by, surely he could just chat that he is okay but doesn't want to talk to me. But no, nothing. My children have no friends that I am aware of, thanks to not having any access to them for almost 3 years, so I can't call their friends and ask if they know how they are, I have been blocked from my daughter's Facebook and my son doesn't have one. My son is in school in New Jersey, I live in California. I am not allowed to be with in 100 yards of my old home, so I can't see my daughter even from a distance. So how do I know they are okay? When the divorce was pending and my husband was told by the judge I had to be kept up with any medical appointments for my daughter he not only refused, but when he authorized a biopsy on my daughter, he never told me about it and when it was more painful than she liked she asked him to call me. He told he would, but never did. She believed and still does that I didn't love or care about her enough to come when she needed me. I found this out 6 months after it happened and tried unsuccessfully to assure my daughter had I known I would have been by her side in a heart beat. But I didn't know, she told me "Dad called you and you never came!" I told her, he never called me, I told her to come right out and ask him if he did, she did and he told her "oh, I am so sorry I forgot!" End of story, no big deal. But she still feels I left her and I don't love her. For the rest of my life this will kill me, because I wasn't there for my daughter when she needed me. And that is why I need to know that my children are okay from time to time. I will accept that they don't want to talk to me, but can't they just type the words " I am okay, I don't want to talk to you." I have told them if they will just do this I won't bother them for awhile(maybe 2or 3 weeks)and they just have to repeat it as long as it is true. So why I am crying and feeling so bad is, when I couldn't reach either of them, I remembered a friend of mine who had offered last summer to call my kids and check on them for me. I know that is so bad and needy but I did it, and my son answered her call immediately. She said he apologized for putting her in the middle and that he was okay. She said she didn't ask him anything about being put in the middle, just said she would let me know he is okay. I do feel some what better, but what do I do the next time I can't reach him and I get worried about him?
I just don't understand why they are doing this too me?? I love them and only want what is best for them. I know they are at the age where I must let them go, so they can be the people I tried to raise them to be, but I lost the last 3 years with them and it just isn't fair or right that their father got to be with them and I didn't. He doesn't even care about them, he only cares about himself and how good they make him look. I just want to know they are alive and well. And yes I would love to know about their lives, what they like, what they do, do they have girlfriends or boyfriends, just the normal stuff every other parent but me gets to know. Why does my ex get all the benefits and none of the pain? Everyone I have talked to about this says, "let them go, move on with your own life,they'll come back some day!" But what if I am not here? Do I just have to suffer the rest of my life with no one for family? I didn't divorce my children, only my husband. Please God let him understand what he is doing to me and help him to stop. In stopping Lord he will help the children, himself and me, but most of all the kids.
So now tomorrow I must get up and start out new. I will leave the trailer rain or shine, and try to do something. I will try and move on, try and get a job, either by getting training in a new vocation or by updating my credentials in my old job. I will not cry or think about what went on today so that I will not relapse so quickly. I will think positive and live only in the here and now. I will appreciate every breath I take and everything I see, hear, touch or smell. I will try to live.
So back to today...I just wanted to know my son is okay. I haven't heard anything from him since last Saturday when he chatted that he didn't want to talk.A week has gone by, surely he could just chat that he is okay but doesn't want to talk to me. But no, nothing. My children have no friends that I am aware of, thanks to not having any access to them for almost 3 years, so I can't call their friends and ask if they know how they are, I have been blocked from my daughter's Facebook and my son doesn't have one. My son is in school in New Jersey, I live in California. I am not allowed to be with in 100 yards of my old home, so I can't see my daughter even from a distance. So how do I know they are okay? When the divorce was pending and my husband was told by the judge I had to be kept up with any medical appointments for my daughter he not only refused, but when he authorized a biopsy on my daughter, he never told me about it and when it was more painful than she liked she asked him to call me. He told he would, but never did. She believed and still does that I didn't love or care about her enough to come when she needed me. I found this out 6 months after it happened and tried unsuccessfully to assure my daughter had I known I would have been by her side in a heart beat. But I didn't know, she told me "Dad called you and you never came!" I told her, he never called me, I told her to come right out and ask him if he did, she did and he told her "oh, I am so sorry I forgot!" End of story, no big deal. But she still feels I left her and I don't love her. For the rest of my life this will kill me, because I wasn't there for my daughter when she needed me. And that is why I need to know that my children are okay from time to time. I will accept that they don't want to talk to me, but can't they just type the words " I am okay, I don't want to talk to you." I have told them if they will just do this I won't bother them for awhile(maybe 2or 3 weeks)and they just have to repeat it as long as it is true. So why I am crying and feeling so bad is, when I couldn't reach either of them, I remembered a friend of mine who had offered last summer to call my kids and check on them for me. I know that is so bad and needy but I did it, and my son answered her call immediately. She said he apologized for putting her in the middle and that he was okay. She said she didn't ask him anything about being put in the middle, just said she would let me know he is okay. I do feel some what better, but what do I do the next time I can't reach him and I get worried about him?
I just don't understand why they are doing this too me?? I love them and only want what is best for them. I know they are at the age where I must let them go, so they can be the people I tried to raise them to be, but I lost the last 3 years with them and it just isn't fair or right that their father got to be with them and I didn't. He doesn't even care about them, he only cares about himself and how good they make him look. I just want to know they are alive and well. And yes I would love to know about their lives, what they like, what they do, do they have girlfriends or boyfriends, just the normal stuff every other parent but me gets to know. Why does my ex get all the benefits and none of the pain? Everyone I have talked to about this says, "let them go, move on with your own life,they'll come back some day!" But what if I am not here? Do I just have to suffer the rest of my life with no one for family? I didn't divorce my children, only my husband. Please God let him understand what he is doing to me and help him to stop. In stopping Lord he will help the children, himself and me, but most of all the kids.
So now tomorrow I must get up and start out new. I will leave the trailer rain or shine, and try to do something. I will try and move on, try and get a job, either by getting training in a new vocation or by updating my credentials in my old job. I will not cry or think about what went on today so that I will not relapse so quickly. I will think positive and live only in the here and now. I will appreciate every breath I take and everything I see, hear, touch or smell. I will try to live.
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