The person my son has made me into
This sunday will be the one month angelversay of my sons birth.Ive been thinking alot about the past few weeks of my life. Before my son I was a carefree person. I did what I wanted when I wanted. There where no consequences. I planned everything out. My favorite thing to plan was vacations. I didnt have anything holding me down so when I wanted to go somewheres I planned for it and most of the time went.I have traveled all around this country. Have seen 48 out of 50 states and have been to Mexico and Canada many times.I didnt worry about money. It was just me so I did what I wanted and bought what I wanted. I wasnt very spontanious so pretty much planned what my next move us. I didnt like change. I had a certain way of doing things and wasnt happy if those plans or situations were changed. I wasnt a very socialable person to people I didnt know. Heres a funny story about that. 6 yrs ago I was driving truck..Yes 18 wheelers..you didnt read that wrong. I got into cause a man I was dating told me not to and its not a job for girls. I hate that, being told I cant do something just cause Im a girl. I liked to proove people(men) wrong. So when I turned 21 I sighned up for truckdriving school and got my CDL. Of course men always had their comments while I was out there, one cause I was a female driver and 2 because I was so young.Whnever they said anything I would just tell them if they got out here and did thier jobs then they wouldnt need us woman out here to pick up the slack. Noone beleived I was the driver half the time and wouldnt give me the loads untill my company verified I was indeed the driver.Anyhow, back to my story. 6 yrs ago I was driving for a company in Oklahoma where I useto live. The yard/terminal there in the city was for drivers in my company but we rented a portion of the lot to another comapny to drop and hook trailers. The builing with the showers and washers and dryers were for my company. I had just come off the road from a long trip and wanted to get some laundry done, shower and get some much needed rest. Well I went into the building and there was a woman doing her laundry. I had never seen her before and thought she was with the other company and she was not supossed to be in here using the machines. I didnt say anything to her but Im sure I gave her one hell of a nasty look cause she gave one to me.I went upstairs to the divers lounge and the minute I walked thru the door I started bitching that those machines are for our companies use not theirs.My safty director heard me and came out to see what I was mad about. I told him I was tired and needed sleep but didnt think it was right that they were holding up the machines when its not theirs to use in the first place. I guess the woman down stairs heard me cause when I went o leave she just stared at me but didnt say anything. It didnt cross my mind again after that. A few weeks later I was at the hotel the comapny uses. I would stay there on my days off. No need for an apartment it was just me and I thought an apartment was a waste of money since I would only see it a few days a month. I was out by the pool with some of the other drivers and this woman from the laundry area at terminal comes walking up to us. All I could think was "oh shit she goin to kick my ass"She had her husband and two children with her. She didnt even look at me and said hello to the people I was siting with. They exchanged a few words and started to head to thier room. As they were walking by she said to me, My name is Daneille and this is my husband Eric. We started at YOUR comapny a few months ago but we have never been formally introduced. I dont know what expresion I got on my face but Im sure it was one of those"open mouth insert foot looks" cause she smiled when she walked away.Man did I ever in my life feel like such the asshole more than I did at that moment. I ran into them again at the pool the next day. She came over and said"you know you were really a bitch that day in the terminal"..my only reponse was "yeah I know I am , tell me something I havent been told before"..I sat there waiting for her to say something mean but instead she said"I like your personality, but you are a bitch but the first step to recover is addmiting it and you have" I couldnt help but laugh. We became friends after that but she likes to tell the story of how we met to everyone. I guess my first impression to people is often "bitch". I dont try to be that way but Im outspoken which is a bad habit and often shoot my mouth off without aiming first. We are still friends to this day. Its funny how the world is soooooo small. I tried for yrs to have a child but it never happened. I went to Oklahoma last year to visit this friend and her children. I tell her all the time I am goin to kidnap her lil girl Gracie. She is just so cute. Grace almost died when she was born and was on life support the first 2 weks of her life but she is strong and is a healthy, perfect lil girl today. While on vacation I met her brother William. We had talked on comp but his is the first time we met. I figured what happens on vacation stays on vaction and with that came a weekend romance. I didnt want to tell my friend cause I didnt know how she would react. It was mine and his lil secret. Well at least thats what I thought at the time. You see I brought a peice of that vacation home inside of me and found out one month later.I never thought after all those years of trying, it would be this one lil fling that would turn me from and person who could do anything they wanted one day into a mother the next. now you know the story of how Max was created.
This is the person I was before Max. Now I feel like I want to be better than that. Sometimes life isnt about always doing what you want but doing what you need to.When I was pregnant I got put out of work many times and didnt know how I was going to make ends meet. I didnt save for a rainy day cause it never crossed my mind that I would have a rainy day. I didnt eat right and went out alot and packed on some pounds. But I didnt care..I figured if this is what i am ment to look like,then so be it. I wasnt trying to impress myself or anyone else. Love me like I am or move on was my attitude.I didnt care what was going on in everyones lives. I had enough to handle just handling me. I would listen to people cause they say Im a good listener and give my opinions but it never crossed my mind again. I would go out and drink with friends all the time at bars and somehow wobble my way home. I can sit it thou and honestly say when I found out I was pregnant I didnt take another drink.I never got into drugs..I thought they were a waste of money to people but I smoked cigarettes. For some reason that never crossed my mind as a waste of money.I quit for awhile when I found out I was pregant but the stress of everything going thru my head just got to me and I was weak. I am ashamed of it now. Im ashamed of alot of things I did . I am ashamed of the person I was before my son. Im sorry if people read this and hate me now and think Im the worst person in the world and got what I desearved losing my son but like my frind said to me many years ago" the first part to recovery is admitting to YOURSELF something is wrong"
Because of my son, I have spent the past 3 weeks eating alot healthier. I have lost ALL my baby weight plus 2 pounds. 28 pounds total and I plan on loosing more. I need to be healthy if I plan on having another child someday. If I dont do this for my baby then I need to do it for myself. After Max ,I found myself to be a chain smoker as a way of dealing with the pain I guess. I made a promise to Max that his Mommy would be smoke free by his memorial service. Its NOT what killed him but I will ALWAYS feel guilty for not trying harder when he was with me. I promised that when he was born I would get help to quit with meds or whatever I needed cause I didnt want to be a "smoking parent"Well my son was born and just because he is not here doesnt mean I have to break that promise. I know he is till watching over me and waiting for that promise to come true. I have a doc apoint on March 2nd and plan on geting help to quit FOREVER. Since my son I have found that I have more patience wth people. I dont get angery about the stupidest things like I useto.Like wanting to strangle the old lady that lives below me cause I swear she turns on the hot water when Im in the shower so I end up taking cold showers all the time. I just have to except the fact that old people are mean sometimes and I have to love them anyways.I dont take the little things in life for granted anymore. I take care of low funtioning mantally disabled people at work. I was sitting there the other day just watching them. So thankful that they will never endure the pain of life like we do. Never know what it is like to lose a baby. There biggest concern is when they get sanck or coffee unlike my concernes of what people say about me,who my friends are and are not, the drama of life,bills, weather condtions, rent and just making it on my own.All those things I always thought were the most imoptant seem so small to me now. Yes they are still in my mind and I do what is needed to survive but I dont kill myslf with thoughts of them like i once did. I want to be a better person. I want to smile and laugh more. I want to wake up everyday telling myself that today is going to be a good day. I want to be healthy, and smoke free. I want to be spontanious sometimes and just live for the moment rather than plan every part of my life, cause I have learned the hard way that plans in life can change in the blink of an eye. I want to spend more time with m family while they are still here. I dont want to hold grudges anymore cause I have realized they get you nowheres in life but alone. I want to give second chances and be giving second chances myself.I now find myself, a person who once never opened up to anyone, I find my self spilling my guts to strangers evn if the consequence is they wont except the fact Im not perfect and never speak to me again. I want to walk outside and just smell the fresh air for once and just feel at peice with myself. I want to make a difference in the world and be remembered as a loving, caring, important person who touched peoples lives rather than as a bitch.I want to look in the mirror oneday and be happy with the person looking back at me and know that everything is going to be alright. I want to be the better person I know I can be and its all because of an angel named Max.
This is the person I was before Max. Now I feel like I want to be better than that. Sometimes life isnt about always doing what you want but doing what you need to.When I was pregnant I got put out of work many times and didnt know how I was going to make ends meet. I didnt save for a rainy day cause it never crossed my mind that I would have a rainy day. I didnt eat right and went out alot and packed on some pounds. But I didnt care..I figured if this is what i am ment to look like,then so be it. I wasnt trying to impress myself or anyone else. Love me like I am or move on was my attitude.I didnt care what was going on in everyones lives. I had enough to handle just handling me. I would listen to people cause they say Im a good listener and give my opinions but it never crossed my mind again. I would go out and drink with friends all the time at bars and somehow wobble my way home. I can sit it thou and honestly say when I found out I was pregnant I didnt take another drink.I never got into drugs..I thought they were a waste of money to people but I smoked cigarettes. For some reason that never crossed my mind as a waste of money.I quit for awhile when I found out I was pregant but the stress of everything going thru my head just got to me and I was weak. I am ashamed of it now. Im ashamed of alot of things I did . I am ashamed of the person I was before my son. Im sorry if people read this and hate me now and think Im the worst person in the world and got what I desearved losing my son but like my frind said to me many years ago" the first part to recovery is admitting to YOURSELF something is wrong"
Because of my son, I have spent the past 3 weeks eating alot healthier. I have lost ALL my baby weight plus 2 pounds. 28 pounds total and I plan on loosing more. I need to be healthy if I plan on having another child someday. If I dont do this for my baby then I need to do it for myself. After Max ,I found myself to be a chain smoker as a way of dealing with the pain I guess. I made a promise to Max that his Mommy would be smoke free by his memorial service. Its NOT what killed him but I will ALWAYS feel guilty for not trying harder when he was with me. I promised that when he was born I would get help to quit with meds or whatever I needed cause I didnt want to be a "smoking parent"Well my son was born and just because he is not here doesnt mean I have to break that promise. I know he is till watching over me and waiting for that promise to come true. I have a doc apoint on March 2nd and plan on geting help to quit FOREVER. Since my son I have found that I have more patience wth people. I dont get angery about the stupidest things like I useto.Like wanting to strangle the old lady that lives below me cause I swear she turns on the hot water when Im in the shower so I end up taking cold showers all the time. I just have to except the fact that old people are mean sometimes and I have to love them anyways.I dont take the little things in life for granted anymore. I take care of low funtioning mantally disabled people at work. I was sitting there the other day just watching them. So thankful that they will never endure the pain of life like we do. Never know what it is like to lose a baby. There biggest concern is when they get sanck or coffee unlike my concernes of what people say about me,who my friends are and are not, the drama of life,bills, weather condtions, rent and just making it on my own.All those things I always thought were the most imoptant seem so small to me now. Yes they are still in my mind and I do what is needed to survive but I dont kill myslf with thoughts of them like i once did. I want to be a better person. I want to smile and laugh more. I want to wake up everyday telling myself that today is going to be a good day. I want to be healthy, and smoke free. I want to be spontanious sometimes and just live for the moment rather than plan every part of my life, cause I have learned the hard way that plans in life can change in the blink of an eye. I want to spend more time with m family while they are still here. I dont want to hold grudges anymore cause I have realized they get you nowheres in life but alone. I want to give second chances and be giving second chances myself.I now find myself, a person who once never opened up to anyone, I find my self spilling my guts to strangers evn if the consequence is they wont except the fact Im not perfect and never speak to me again. I want to walk outside and just smell the fresh air for once and just feel at peice with myself. I want to make a difference in the world and be remembered as a loving, caring, important person who touched peoples lives rather than as a bitch.I want to look in the mirror oneday and be happy with the person looking back at me and know that everything is going to be alright. I want to be the better person I know I can be and its all because of an angel named Max.
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