the past 8 years.
The past 8 years of my life have been the toughest I hope to ever endure. They are filled with pain and heartache and lessons learned(hopefully). It all started in "00 (I was living in Missouri)when I met a woman online. I was 20 young and desperate for romance. I had been out a coupke of years but had yet to kiss a girl. we talked online and on the phone for 3 months. I was still living at home and so was she about 300 miles apart(lesson one long distance doesn't work). After 3 months she dumped me crushin my heart but I recovered quick. She told me I'd find someone better, That I deserved better.(she was right there but that lesson was not yet learned.) It wasn't 2 months later I met Mickey at work(my biggest mistake)(hers too probably) She was bright sweet charming and my first kiss. I won't bore you with details. But I met her while I was working out my two week notice at work. The day I left I asked her if I was leaving behind a friend or G/f. She answered me when I hit my new home in Fla. I had my first g/f first one I could actually touch(kinda she was in mo still). She came to visit. I spent 3 days making love with breaks acting like a travel acent trying to sell her a florida vacation. A month later her and two daughters moved in. (ages 9 and 12). At just bearly 21(had a b-day in there) I had a livin g/f and instant family. Poor kids I wasn't ready to be a parent I meant well but wasn't very good with them. Mickey was hatefully with my mom. Very disrespectful. Telling her thinging like she would never see me again. Whispering in My Mom's ear when nobody was around your crazy everyone knows your crazy. I never knew any of this then. All I knew was mom and her couldn't get along. I had to choose(mistake 2 lesson learned) I choose my lover over my mother. In the time we were apart my mom had a stroke(95% recovery little sideeffects now). I saw her once in the hospital snuck away while my g/f was at work. Didn't see her again for a long time. I saw her while I was out with my "family" one day looked at her in her wheelchair for a second then turned and followed my g/f. I couldn't go talk to her...going home would of been hell on me. In hindsight I wish I had. Finally I told Mickey I was going to see my mom she was living in a nursing home having rehab. I visited her a few times there then continue to visit her when she returned home. My ex accussed me of being cruel manipulative and down right hateful. She was telling her kids they didn't have to listen to me. Although I was one who took the bra shopping dealty with first periods and shaving legs. I was the one in dressing rooms with picky teenage girls while they tried to find the perfect outfits for this years school clothes. I went without money for lunch. and pop at work. Mickey never did. I had to fight for gum and pocket money every Sunday morning Mickey had 2 newspapers coffee and a bingo ticket from the corner gas station. When mickey's dog died we took rent money to have him creamated. When my dog was hit by a truck(her fault) we buried him in the backyard. When she was sick I took care of her and took her to dr. When I was sick I had to fight to get money to pay the copay. My needs never came first even in the bedroom. My thoughts feelings and options rarely meant anything. I stayed with her four years. Before jumping into my next mistake. I left Mickey on 2/29/04. On 3/6/04 I was here in kentucky arriving on the Greyhound to meet Kat the one who I dated for 3 months online. I was moving in with her I had never laid eyes on her but moved in with her. She was good to me. She was sick with a chronic illness our sex life went from fun to none in less than 6 months. And stayed like that through our 4 year relationship. (she was considerate enough to buy me a vibrator and close the door.)There was a year between sex and then it as only once or twice then another year. She wasn't affectionate toward me. All I wanted was to be held love and made to feel cared about and safe. At 3 1/2 years I did the unthinkable. Kissed another woman. I don't regret this for I believe you can't regret things you did willingly in the first place. We carried on a fling for a month Nothing but Kissing and hugging and handholding.(honest to god truth there) Had she asked me to I would of left kat. But she never did. A few months later I come kinda clean with kat Told her I had kissed her but told her it was only once. (reason for the lie why crush her i was already hurting her.) She figured it was worse than that so she seemed ok with the news. (mmodst ppl would kill you ever that). She knew I was looking for what I wasn't getting at home.In may of 08 I left kat and moved back in with my Mom. I met K online and a friendship and crush grew. I took kat back july. Only to dump her in august. I didn't have those feelings for hewr anymore I couldn't lie to her.Then the very next day from Kat(something I had been puttin off the followin is pure coincidence) I had gone with K to take her son to his dad's. We had arranged earlier that day that she would stay with me she didn't wanna go home and was gonna rent a room somewhere. It was clear she had feelings for another woman. It was clear i had feelings for her. I wanted to claw the eyes out of the woman who held her heart(still do wanna to that actually). After dropping him of we went out to eat. She mentioned while we were there that it was very much like a date.(the thought never crossed my mind ...not). On the way out she opened the doors leavin the restraunt and open and closed my car door.(never had anyone do that). We went to my house She kissed me after I brought it up we spent the weekend kissin cuddling holdin and making love. Sunday night she went home. Monday she wanted to skip class and come see me.(she is going for her degree in accounting.) Tuesday she had to talked to her ex. It was over for us she knew her feeling were to strong for that other woman(still wanna claw her eyes). She told kat we had been together made me sound like a slut. I was soo pissed and hurt I didn't know what to do. She apologized a week later and we have slowly rebuilt the damaged friendship.(I must say I'm not completely innocent here I hurt her bad by deletin her from my friends.) We now talk she knows how I feel and I know how she doesn't feel. Part of me says I will never go back to her in a million years. The pain the first time was hard enough. The second part would start walking the 30miles to her home if she invited me. I love her. I shouldn't I don't want to but I do. I can't stop thinking bout her. I long to hear her voice a privilage I don't get often I would kill to have a hug from her once more. She is all I think and dream about. K if you ever read this. I love you and I'm sorry I can't stop it.
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