The pain only deepens....

Found out today that while I sat up nights CRYING..not an ounce of sleep or comfort in sight. You were NOT WORRIED ABOUT ME..OR YOUR SON. You were NOT hurt or crying. You were not thinking of me...let alone missing me. You were moving on and having unprotected sex with another. Since you have been gone I have only had sex with 1 individual and even then I couldn't go through with it, because it didn't feel right. I felt like I was doing something totally wrong and made him stop. That was in March, haven't touched another man since. Changed my life over to GOD actually in hopes that he will see that I am obedient to his word. But YOU in lieu of gaining some insight on how to be a better person, looking at how you were treating me and your son, you decided to punish me further. You moved in with this girl. Your mom told me today. So all that time I thought you didn't want me to know where you lived in case you had various women over you didn't want me to catch you, but you simply moved onto the next relationship/female to solidify that I MEANT ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NADA! Stupid me...why didn't I accept that when the neighbor told me that you told her I WASN'T your girlfriend, BUT ONLY YOUR BABY'S MAMA? How ghetto and uncouth...NOT YOUR CHILD'S MOTHER..BUT YOUR BABY MAMA. How low, how degrading. I hurt beyond belief. And truth is...no matter how much my friend says it wasn't my fault...it's nothing I did...it was in you to be this THING, I will NEVER EVER accept an apology from you. WHY...cause YOU KNEW ABOUT THE PREVIOUS BETRAYAL FROM MY CHEATING EX!!! That was YOU who stood in the court room with me while he and the woman he cheated with sued me for loss of consortium. It was YOU who looked at him and shook your head in disgust and said he wasn't a man. So tell me....WHAT DOES THAT MAKE YOU?!!!!!!! I'm fighting the good fight and trying my BEST to move on, but I will not deny that I am BEYOND being hurt. Your actions HAUNT me as now I have woke a few times from dreams of you. In my dreams it's the same thing...your a cheat and a liar and I am encountering various women and them boasting about what you do. I HATE YOU FREDERICK!!! I HATE YOU LIKE NO OTHER!!!!! I have asked GOD TO PLEASE PLEASE remove ANY AND ALL FEELINGS I HAVE FOR YOU..ALL OF THEM!!!!! I don't want to feel any emotion towards you..not even hate. I will never ever forget this....I will never ever forget NOT ONE SINGLE SOLITARY ACTION OF YOURS. I will remember every single thing from the naked pics sent from the Tiger-mart hoe who said you told her I was a bitch on wheels, that I wouldn't allow you to go anywhere, and she went as far as to say our relationship was dysfunctional (funny how I never knew any of this...funny how you could lie to these women I guess to get SYMPATHY SEX, but couldn't tell me YOUR BEST FRIEND what you felt or thought) I will remember you telling me YOU HATE ME. I actually saved the text. I will remember how you told RODNEY (Gay man I allowed to live under my roof so I could attempt to make ends meet) that I BEGGED YOU TO GET ME PREGNANT and I ASKED YOU TO MARRY ME..what a freaking lying low-down dirt bag!!!! I told my friend today, that this is all certainly my fault...WHY...Cause the VERY NEXT DAY...after the naked pics came through....that little young girl text your phone REMEMBER..she text and asked, "Why do u keep telling me your coming to see me and never show up"? THE VERY NEXT DAY!!!! But when I dialed the number back and asked her who she was, she LIED and claimed she had loaned her phone to her sister and had no idea who YOU were, then when I told the little heifer NOT to be so stupid and lie...she finally said, "I don't like him anyway cause all he ever does is beg for sex". That hurt like hell....and what was the excuse you gave me. OH, that you never called her, but she would always calls you and that time you were engrossed in a video game with your friends and told her anything to get her off the phone and to stop calling. STUPID STUPID ME. Should have packed all your things immediately after the pics. Then to show how very BLIND I WAS TO WHAT GOD WAS TRYING TO TELL ME. You were in jail..that's why I had your phone and I came to visit you the very next day, but on the way to the jail...Michelle called (the white girl from California) and she pretty much said the same thing. That she met you and talked to you often on myspace. That you were always asking her to send you money so you could come visit her. She even apologized to me cause she stated that she told you that you were gross for dating an old woman. What a creep you are. NOT ONCE to any of these females did you take offense to what they said about me. YOU ALLOWED IT IF NOT EGG IT ON. I remember dressing up, getting my hair done, making sure I was breathtaking and coming to visit you. I remember asking you as soon as I sat down, "DID YOU LOVE ME". I asked you were we really getting married and if you would ever cheat..OH YOU SWORE YOUR UNDYING LOVE and said immediately after you were released we were to be married. And then I asked why were women sending naked pics, little girls calling and inquiring why you didn't show up as promised, and why Michelle claimed she had a man, told you that YET you STILL hounded her. I listened to your pathetic excuse, got up, said sure, and walked out. I still remember you banging on the glass, yelling my name and saying that it was all lies. When I left I didn't take your calls for 2 lousy days, yet eventually I did. WHY!!!!? I could kick my own butt!!! Those were CONSISTENT signs...one behind the other in regards to WHAT THE HELL I HAD ON MY HANDS...yet I ignored them...I believed more in YOU, and couldn't hear GOD telling me YOU WERE NOT FOR ME. You were a MEAN, DECEITFUL, CONNIVING person to me. That's why I kicked you out...ONLY to discover why you were so mean to me. You had several women waiting on the sidelines...whispering in your ear, so who the hell was I. Now I know why you said what you said when we were arguing that day. I told you that no woman with something going for herself will put up with a man that won't work, rip and run the streets all day, and wants nothing more in life. Your reply was, shiiiiiiit. That was your way of telling me, you had them lined up waiting. STUPID ME.....None of these things I will EVER FORGET!!! And the one that replays in my mind DAILY is when I saw you for the first time after 4 long months, you had some young girl in your car, looked me dead in my face and SMILED THE BIGGEST SMILE I HAVE EVER SEEN AND SHOOK YOUR HEAD UP AND DOWN AS IF TO SAY, YEAH B I TOLD YOU SO. I HATE YOU!!!!! NOW YOU HAVE EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANTED. YOU ARE DEAD TO ME FOREVER!!! MY 12 year old just came in and saw me crying and hugged me and asked why. I HATE YOU!!!!!