The only time ive ever reconsidered my life as a Trans-Woman

Ive set a Goal for myself to improve my outlook on life. However in my experience, before an underlying problem can be fixed, the problem itself must be identified and clearly labeled so a proper method of handling it can be organized and then executed. in this case i am listing one of my primary issues relating to my being transgender and the pain i personally feel in regards to how my family relationship has been for some time. other issues that might be given light in part of this condition is low self esteem, PTSD and Profound and Numerous Personal Losses. Though my only purpose in this is to identify one specific issue that i am currently facing, it is possible ill come to improve my conditions with all of these other issues by overcoming this obstacle.
Shortly after leaving the military, i took every job i could to stay as far from my family as possible simply because i did not trust them to understand. They are the sort to judge based purely on perception rather then fact. I have witnessed this many times growing up in which they would state many an unkind word to or about complete strangers both to their faces and behind their backs. even people they have only met in passing weren't spared. My avoidance of my family and over burdening myself in work lead to a build up of unresolved feelings which eventually lead to me living through some horrible experiences that put my life in danger...
the doctor i met during recovery encouraged me to speak with my family at least over the phone to explain things to them. the trouble was i had already told them about my choice when i was a child and the immediate and direct result was physical pain. My father was there leaning over me as i huddled into a ball on my bed as he yelled at me to be a man... and i told him in my  whimpering pathetic voice... but im not a man... to which my mother who was there said "what do you mean by that?" and the fear in my bones sank sickeningly through my body as i had told them right then and there that i was a girl inside. my dad picked me up and threw me across the room... as my mother ushered him out and the door slammed shut.
I didnt expect things to go much better now that i was an adult and even less now that i had been receiving treatment for some time. i was really enjoying my hormone therapy and i was determined to make a new life for myself and enjoyed how most people reacted around me. to further complicate matters I hadn't spoken to my parents in so long that when i did speak with them they thought i was one of my sisters... rather then their son. Hearing my father speak so tenderly to who he thought was my sister kicked me right in the chest. I had never noticed it before then, but parents really do speak with their sons differently then their daughters and the pain in my heart longed to know what it would be like to have my parents openly see me as their daughter. i hung up suddenly trying to catch my breath before trying to call again. i reminded myself of the sort of parents i have and set my expectations as low as possible. after all i was never the favorite or the one they wanted.
It took me some time to gather the courage... i had to coach myself saying that ive lived through trials in military, i should be able to handle this. the primary memory on my mind that i was using at this time to get courage from was the ever present fear and certainty that if i didnt die by the enemy on the battlefield i would be raped and/or murdered by my own comrades in the locker room or even right out in the company yard. i really didnt see my options being very high in the military. *i had an odd condition that caused my body to appear female even though i wasnt taking hormones at the time asi had an as yet undiagnosed side effect of taking a particular medication as a child. this condition was very evident to the other males during group showers and i got beat up often for being a fag or queer even though i didnt see myself that way.* so i thought to myself i should be able to handle this... after all it was only a phone call.
I managed to call my dad again... but the sweetness that was in his words the first time was gone now. he seemed to know exactly who i was and i gave up trying to coax him into talking to me like that again.
This was the first almost sweet steps into the nightmare that would become the standard relationship i now have with my family. I dont even claim i have a family anymore. On my last medical check up they wanted my parent's info... i held back the tears as i said i dont have any *parents*. there were two reasons for this. If i were ever stricken unable to tend for myself... i would simply be put down and my body would be destroyed and there would be no grave. and second to reaffirm to myself that i have to stand on my own because i dont have anyone that would be there to catch me when i fall.
When my parents and i did still talk... they would tell me they loved me and stuff ... but it was always that kind of rehearsed mantra, the kind you might hear a child use when stating the Pledge of Allegiance not knowing or caring for the significance of the words. The same could be said when ever my parents and i talked with one another. When my Father didnt talk about his rehearsed feelings he would say silly asinine things often with a John Wayne voice. the last time we had words was pretty resent in fact. just this month on the 4th. My parents tried calling me first from my father's phone then from my mother's phone... i didnt answer from either. but i did cowardly decide to text rather then tell them directly how i felt. i told them both i never wanted to speak with them again. I couldn't put a proper reasoning behind my words... i was so overcome by emotion and the fear that i was making a mistake, i kept hounding stumbling over my words trying to make sense even to myself at what i was actually saying. but i was sure this was the right thing to do. before i made the mistake of reconnecting with my parents... i was optimistic about my transition... i had goals... and i was taking good care of myself. but afterwards... something switched... and for the moment, i am curtain its my relationship with them.
I thought to myself my heart would die in my chest at this very instant... and i half wished it would. I knew the reasons why i didn't want to talk with them... and i get so frustrated when i consider the lost looks on my parent's faces at hearing me so coldly dismiss them and their holiday well wishing as the last thing i want to hear from them. their response was... what if its a family emergency? I all but lost it at this point. I snapped back in a long deranged rant as i vented a bunch of word vomit they both deserved and didnt... which by the end of it i wasnt even sure if half of what i was angry about was actual things they even did. and i felt bad... terrible. I always try to see the good in people when i have them on my mind. after all my parents could have just been doing exactly what they said they were doing. wishing me a happy 4th. clearly i am defective. the 4th of July is after all one of my favorite holidays... even with the hardships i faced in the military i still love my country. but i was clearly at this point out of my mind.
i spent several hours flipping through my mind making sure that i could justify the cold words i said to my parents. If i could justify my cruelty by citing clear evidence of their transgressions i could continue forward and get on with my life. However each time i found something that i could put an Ah ha! i got you! tag to justify my fowl temper i would only come up with counter reasons and excuses for them... why they did the things they did because it was my own fault. That sort of thing. come the end of the night, i was in a mindset to call the hospital and pay another expensive bill because i was being a big cry-baby. and i unfairly took my frustrations out on my parents... clearly the only people in the world that even bothered to care i was still alive. i took 6 Ibuprofen *i was only supposed to take one every 8 hours as needed for some physical pain i have but i needed help falling asleep and i was afraid of taking too many though im sure 6 was still way too many* and then went to bed.
3 days went by before my dad called me again and i couldn't shut up pleading with him asking him to forgive me for saying such things and that i was sorry. he just sat there and listened. he had to get back to work after i spent the entire time talking and i felt a little better but also embarrassed because he never got to say anything. I began playing it through my mind again asking myself why i even went off on my parents and i realized it was my mother. she had called me a month earlier to wish me a happy birthday which is a bizarre thought to me as i dont enjoy birthdays at all. but it was the thought that counted... and i recalled the conversation we had where she asked about my former best friend Lynn. i only say former because she has clearly dumped me... likely because my personality is toxic. ive taken to avoiding people now so i dont upset anyone. which really sucks... but what can i do? well when i told my mother that Lynn and i didnt associate with each other any more... she had said that i should be around "normal" people anyways... i was like wait, you mean to say Lynn isnt "Normal"? my mother made a comment about her being lesbian and i politely and firmly explained to her that her being Lesbian was far more normal then my mother making judgments of people she has never met. she hung up... i think this is why i told my parents i didnt want to talk with them anymore... i figured they were bigots and i could easily see them saying such cruel things about me... which ive often suspected them doing... they are that sort after all. however all of this has led to the sorry state that i find myself in now.
the issues i have with my parents are shared actually with my entire family. A few years back i asked my grandmother if she wouldn't mind if i attended for Christmas ceremony. She said that wouldnt be a good idea... i naturally asked her what problem is there? to which she said that my situation is considered that of a joke around the table. I hadnt considered that the rest of the family were in on the issue nor did i think they would collectively have such strong misgivings about me but i soon began considering the thought that it would be better if i were dead to my family. I havnt bothered with holidays in many years both for family & for myself... celebrating Christmas alone is really silly.
The last time i saw my parents in person. was perhaps 5 or so years ago. I had a very pleasant flight to meet them and managed to sit next to an incredibly brilliant man... he even flirted with me a bit before i explained to him that i was actually trans... *i dont want to get murdered because someone got a little ahead of themselves and it resulted in regrets. however, before hand, he had offered me a job based on my understanding of various forms of engineering and to my surprise even after i disclosed with him that i am a Trans-woman he still wanted me on his team. I was so excited when the plane touched down that i practically flew off the airplane nearly forgetting that my parents were meeting me at the airport. when i got off the plane to see my parents there, we did the usual acting, like everyone was fine and happy... *my family and in tern through proximity myself have learned the fine art of putting on a good face when in public*.
They got to meet the gentleman and things seemed to be going better then expected, But after the gentleman left and we settled into my Father's new car, and a sinking pain began to throb deep in my gut. I began to notice some issues... first my parents wanted to stop at the local JC Penny to buy me some men's clothing and my mother was already trying to set me up for a hair cut to remove my long hair *its important to note that i look very much like a woman and wearing men's clothing would only attract an even more obvious sort of attention* During our ride as we debated on whether or not we should stop at the various clothing outlets and beauty salons/barber shops around town or in my preference simply skip the option all together... i noticed my father had gotten really quiet and only speaking a couple words here and there. at one point my father stopped the car on the side of the road and turned to look at me. I stared back at him and i could see the horror in his eyes. I mean at this time i was still taking pretty good care of myself... i like to think that at this point i appeared to be a modestly attractive woman or at the least passable. so i was confused at why he would look at me like i had a million piercings hanging out all over my face.
I took considerable note of the details on his face. he had grown thin from my mother from his previous marriage passing away while i was out gallivanting around the world finding any excuse to not come home... his face still shown signs of the stroke he had some years earlier to which the company he had worked for for nearly 15 years fired him on the spot and i still want to watch their entire industry burn to the ground for putting him through that. but  the deepest detail, the part that still haunts me to this day... i cant get the memory of his shrunken pupils and wide eyed, lost look out of my mind... in the military ive seen those eyes before... they are the kind of eyes one sees in someone that has known fear. fear of imminent death or loss. Remembering that look in my fathers eyes... as they peered directly at me... knowing that look was meant for me... brings tears of shame to my own eyes. id do anything to escape that gaze. Id even escape into death.
Until that day i never had issue in looking my father in the eye. in fact i never hung my head low... I never knew shame... i always took pride in myself... in my accomplishments and in my dreams i had for the future. I even toyed with the idea that once i worked out my issues maybe i could settle down and maybe make room in my life to share with someone else. but those eyes... i am so crippled now. I had goals but i dont pursue them anymore. i had a standard for how i lived and took care of myself... but i dont even care now. I thought i knew true fear... the sort that can cripple the effort of walking outside into the sun. but now i know a new and even more disabling condition... I wouldn't trade living as a woman for anything... but for the first time in my life, since that day, i am shamed that i am alive.