The OCD side of me kicks in...

This morning was shot number six of Lupron.  I'm now worried about what's NOT happening.  I don't have a single bruise and no lumps!  I've been able to abuse the same 2" square on my stomach over and over with no repercussions.  And that makes me nervous.  DH is doing the needle filling as he is much more successful at no air bubbles, and after several fake outs, I finally stick myself and watch the Lupron go in, so it should be working.  But the OCD side of me keeps thinking of the worst: what if the medication is old so it's not working?  What if we should have been refrigerating it all along?  It says store at less than 77 degrees which is anywhere in my house at any time...  What if we're somehow screwing something up and we don't realize it?  I'll try to stop freaking out and just assume that I am one of the very lucky ones responding well to injections and my devoted 10 minutes of lying down and applying pressure is helping.
Now for my other OCD issues, I'm supposed to be welcoming AF today.  During my 10 minutes of zen this morning, I was overanalyzing every little twitch I felt in my body.  Was that the start of a cramp?  Do I feel pressure in my stomach?  Does my back hurt?  My poor boobs are still very sore but have been all week so that's no indication of anything starting up.  My prediction is that I'll have full flow by tomorrow afternoon, just in time to worry all weekend about calling the doctor at 7am sharp on Monday morning and wondering if they'll have me come in right away or not for my first u/s and bloodwork.
Finally, I am having dinner with my inlaws on Sunday.  We haven't seen them since early January as they have been RVing around Florida all winter.  I like them ok, but they are so nosy and have a tendency to tell whomever will listen about their kids' ailments.  Example: to the HVAC guy, waiter, groundskeeper, strangers, etc. etc. "Get this--(DH's sister) is dilated 6 cm but nothing is happening!!!  Can you believe it??!" 
I know DH has mentioned that we're starting treatment but they don't know the details, and I don't want them to know details, nor do I want to be the 3rd grade science teacher that has to explain to them every aspect of IVF.  This is the same couple who "just couldn't follow" my family tree when DH and I first started dating because I have divorced parents who have remarried so I have step-grandparents on both sides, half siblings, step siblings, etc.  It's NOT complicated.  I guess I am just really worried about feeling very uncomfortable the entire dinner and I'm not sure if it will be worse if they do ask or worse if they don't, because if they don't ask soemthing, I know they will  be asking everyone ELSE what they think of our "situation".  And I don't want to be the topic of campfire talk with their friends.  I'm sure I'm being way too OCD about this and hopefully I am pleasantly surprised to see that things are just like they were before they left and my infertility isn't the big white elephant in the room.
In the meantime, I've been reading a great book, "Moments for Couples Who Long for Children".  It's a great book that starts with a Bible verse, has a page or two short story, and then it ends with a prayer that relates to the topic.  I've found the different "Moments" to be very comforting and some of them are things I hadn't even thought about on this journey.  I also like that I can choose to read a couple at a time or 20, and I can set it down and walk away without feeling like I'm in the middle of a good part.  I do believe God is talking to me through those pages, and reassuring me that it will be ok! 
I remain optimistic; God is great!
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m so glad you found a resource to help you through this! Hang in there and the in-laws will be gone before you know it!
mgobluegrad
mgobluegrad

If nothing else my journal entry for Monday should be highly interesting, right? I might pick the \"rant\" label for that one! Ha ha! :)