The numbness
Who would think something as harmless as helium can kill a person?
I cannot make my mind digest it. It's like I'm trapped in a long, horrible dream. Helium, it blows up balloons for kids parties and celebrations. I would not like to see another balloon again as long as I am alive. I still remember the tank sitting next to him, the bag over his head, the stiffness of his deadbody, but my brain won't let me remember what his face looked like that day. The dread that accompanied opening that door will always be with me and his clothes strewn over the bed, the thought that he have upped and left, until I turned on that light and found him. It felt like hours before help arrived, I couldnt stop asking everyone is he really dead, because my brain just wouldn't let it sink in. It still won't. I feel so heartless because I'm emotionless. I cannot feel, can't hurt. I don't feel like my soul is here. Everything I am doing in life is just automatic, going through the motions. There are so many things I wish I did, but have been told not to dwell on them. People tell me time is a healer,people who are not in my situation and probably never will be. The funeral is next week, it will be week 4 of his death. Why is it taking so long? I better have my diazapam ready for when it hits me like a tonne of bricks.
The future seems bleak. I really cannot see my distant future, nothing is clear anymore, I'm just a vessel that is stuck here, unfeeling, just being. Why can I not feel anyting? I know, when I went to my place and found another helium bottle that the police left there, and the rest of the bags and ropes, I only felt sick. I can feel physically but not emotionally. What is wrong with me???
I cannot make my mind digest it. It's like I'm trapped in a long, horrible dream. Helium, it blows up balloons for kids parties and celebrations. I would not like to see another balloon again as long as I am alive. I still remember the tank sitting next to him, the bag over his head, the stiffness of his deadbody, but my brain won't let me remember what his face looked like that day. The dread that accompanied opening that door will always be with me and his clothes strewn over the bed, the thought that he have upped and left, until I turned on that light and found him. It felt like hours before help arrived, I couldnt stop asking everyone is he really dead, because my brain just wouldn't let it sink in. It still won't. I feel so heartless because I'm emotionless. I cannot feel, can't hurt. I don't feel like my soul is here. Everything I am doing in life is just automatic, going through the motions. There are so many things I wish I did, but have been told not to dwell on them. People tell me time is a healer,people who are not in my situation and probably never will be. The funeral is next week, it will be week 4 of his death. Why is it taking so long? I better have my diazapam ready for when it hits me like a tonne of bricks.
The future seems bleak. I really cannot see my distant future, nothing is clear anymore, I'm just a vessel that is stuck here, unfeeling, just being. Why can I not feel anyting? I know, when I went to my place and found another helium bottle that the police left there, and the rest of the bags and ropes, I only felt sick. I can feel physically but not emotionally. What is wrong with me???
Replies
big hugs sweety; I know it seems like everything\'s extremely surreal right now; all the numbness and going through the motions, it\'s all part of the grieving process; it\'d be fantastic if we all grieved the same way so we\'d know when something isn\'t right but everyone grieves differently sweety. Give it time hon; I don\'t think anything\'s wrong with you per se, I just think you\'re having a difficult time with everything; it\'s hard enough when you lose someone to natural causes but when they commit suicide, that adds a whole new layer of grief on top of the normal variety.
yeh its different than grieving for my grandad
Your in shock, you will be for awhile, this was a tragic passing and you found him. You need to keep going to a support group.
A piece of you literally died that day too. You are going to need to grieve and do not let anyone tell you need to move on.
There will be inconsiderate people who mean well but do not know your pain, do not listen to their good intentions.
When the shock wears off, you will have feelings for sadness, depression, anger, denial, acceptance. Not in that order, everyone grieves differently,
I am praying for you to be able to feel again. God Bless