The Nightmares Are Back
The nightmares are back in full force. I've had no less than three nightmares about my husband cheating in the last week. I can't even try to sleep at night, and even sleeping during the day is fraught with dark dreams.
I don't understand why. He's not doing anything suspicious. If anything, he's been exceptionally loving and attentive and tried so hard to coax out of me what's wrong. I have not been so gentle. I have brought up his affair (a complete no-no) more than once over the last couple of weeks. Not in an accusatory, "YOU CHEATED, YOU JERK!" sort of way, but more like, "Oh that was during the time you started your affair..." casual way.
I know that's not productive. I know I should think before I speak. I do NOT know why this is so heavily on my mind.
Anniversaries? No. His affair was fully over by this time 3 years ago. Granted, the OW was still stirring up shit - I was about to have surgery to have a disc removed. I didn't even know she was stirring up shit because he hadn't told me - was trying to protect me (more lies by omission) but that was three years ago. Three. Years.
It's not like I wake up every day (like some betrayed spouses do) and think, "I don't love him," or "I felt like I had to stay," or "I don't want to be here," or "I can never get past this," but I do feel frustrated and exhausted and lost and confused. Why now? What is causing this? WHY?
I know there will probably never be a satisfactory answer, just like the question of "why did he cheat" will never have a satisfying answer, but it's driving me crazy. I want it to stop. Things seemed better, on an uphill climb with only a few dips and lows... so why? I suspect a lot has to do with his working graveyard shift again. I'm so angry about that. SO. Angry.
He didn't sign up for graveyards. TECHNICALLY, he is on day shift, but because someone else took vacation time, he got bumped to graveyards. Super. He literally gave up having weekends off so he could be on day shift, after carefully discussing the matter with me. So crappy days off AND graveyards? He's playing the broken system - he is taking days off and signed up for the GOOD days off on graveyards... so he'll have the good days off and be on day shift, at least for part of the next few months. But it doesn't help, much, since it's not a reliable way and at some point someone's going to fix the broken system.
I don't even know if it's just that. I don't know what it is. Lingering depression? I don't know. I just know I can't get this out of my head and it's leaving me very despondent.
In the last dream I had, I found out he was chatting up a dispatcher at his work. I didn't even have proof of any hanky hanky or inappropriate conversations, just that he was talking to her off duty. I slit my wrists in the dream and watched my blood drain out into a warm tub. All I could think was, "Finally... I can relax."
I don't understand why. He's not doing anything suspicious. If anything, he's been exceptionally loving and attentive and tried so hard to coax out of me what's wrong. I have not been so gentle. I have brought up his affair (a complete no-no) more than once over the last couple of weeks. Not in an accusatory, "YOU CHEATED, YOU JERK!" sort of way, but more like, "Oh that was during the time you started your affair..." casual way.
I know that's not productive. I know I should think before I speak. I do NOT know why this is so heavily on my mind.
Anniversaries? No. His affair was fully over by this time 3 years ago. Granted, the OW was still stirring up shit - I was about to have surgery to have a disc removed. I didn't even know she was stirring up shit because he hadn't told me - was trying to protect me (more lies by omission) but that was three years ago. Three. Years.
It's not like I wake up every day (like some betrayed spouses do) and think, "I don't love him," or "I felt like I had to stay," or "I don't want to be here," or "I can never get past this," but I do feel frustrated and exhausted and lost and confused. Why now? What is causing this? WHY?
I know there will probably never be a satisfactory answer, just like the question of "why did he cheat" will never have a satisfying answer, but it's driving me crazy. I want it to stop. Things seemed better, on an uphill climb with only a few dips and lows... so why? I suspect a lot has to do with his working graveyard shift again. I'm so angry about that. SO. Angry.
He didn't sign up for graveyards. TECHNICALLY, he is on day shift, but because someone else took vacation time, he got bumped to graveyards. Super. He literally gave up having weekends off so he could be on day shift, after carefully discussing the matter with me. So crappy days off AND graveyards? He's playing the broken system - he is taking days off and signed up for the GOOD days off on graveyards... so he'll have the good days off and be on day shift, at least for part of the next few months. But it doesn't help, much, since it's not a reliable way and at some point someone's going to fix the broken system.
I don't even know if it's just that. I don't know what it is. Lingering depression? I don't know. I just know I can't get this out of my head and it's leaving me very despondent.
In the last dream I had, I found out he was chatting up a dispatcher at his work. I didn't even have proof of any hanky hanky or inappropriate conversations, just that he was talking to her off duty. I slit my wrists in the dream and watched my blood drain out into a warm tub. All I could think was, "Finally... I can relax."
Replies
I feel so badly for what you are going through ...
I know you dont want to leave, but maybe take some xanax before bed??
I also have nightmares, but about other stuff. If i cant get through it rationally i take a pill. Life must go on..
Hugs
I hate it, but you may be right.
Having broken brain chemistry sucks.
You\'ll be ok. It sounds like the transition triggers some insecurities. It\'s what I went through. You ride the waves in the beginning and then when things settle down and you feel like youre coasting calmly any change in that routine stirs up just about anything. I do believe in communicating your needs and asking your partner to step up in fullfilling your needs during any transition time whether that be just talking, affection, reassurance. etc. I wish you well and rest.
Oh bummer. So the time passing and everything going well is not a guarantee for a steady progress in healing.... Bummer....
I am sorry, Allora. Don\'t have any brilliant advice :-(. I guess I would try to spent as much time with my H as possible (damn dog shifts and unfair changes to schedule), would warn him what\'s going on and tried to hug/talk it through.....
I have those too.... Not as intense and frequent but I have days when I feel haunted.....
I guess that once it is in your system it will break out every now and then. Kind of like having a viral infection that is dormant but periodically exacerbates. You gotta live through it with dimmed lights, plenty of rest and well hydrated.
Lots of hugs.
Oh this bites. I\'m sorry that your having such a tough time. Maybe you can change your sleep routine whilehe\'s working graveyard. Meet him for his break and bring a snack and a little hanky panky. Or call him in his break and try phone sex.
Turn this shitty shift into a positive. In the meantime remember spring is right around the corner. Maybe start an indoor garden to get into the idea of spring.