the night that lasted a year.

i have no idea how the hell i am getting through each day i live any more, the heart breaking pain that is running through my body knocks me out. i just feel sick every minute off every day.things got so bad last night that i ended up taking my diazapam, which only made things so much worse. my mood did lighten so much that "not caring" took over me. i know i made a number off phone calls around midnight and one talking shit and waking up all my friends. i cant remember what i said but i dont think it was good, i no longer felt guilty about self harm which was the worse thing about last night.  i still managed to get through the night with out cutting even though i always want too, i did go fall asleep but found my self waking up every twenty minutes.  i really feel like i have no control or little over what goes on in my head, it only takes some thing like a letter through the post to drag me down again. i so wish i could fall asleep for ever. i'm so sick off all this