the next step

Well.....next tuesday I will be having another angioplasty done. I had 5 done a little over a year ago in preperation for transplant and now they have decided that I will need one more. Apparently now I have heart disease along with the fibrosis (woohoo) *sarcasm

I am hoping that with this done I might be a little closer to being listed....if not then I don't know what's going to happen. I am now up to 9 lpm and 10 to 15 lpm when exercising. The home concentrator doesn't go any higher than 10 so they would have to link 2 of them together. It's getting a bit ridiculous and frustrating....either list me or just let me live out my life, this limbo is awful and I feel like the goal line keeps moving a bit further away all the time. 

I am going to try the liquid O2 for out and about, the canisters are lighter, but I don't know about capacity and how long they will last. They are supposed to be delivery that in a week or 2 for me to try out. That might make life a bit easier than having to haul 2 big tanks and a cart around...maybe I could get out and have a bit of a social life again.

I think I am scaring my daughter sometimes about not wanting the transplant, I don't want to sound like a terrible mother but she is 31 and married and she doesn't need me to hold her hand anymore.....don't get me wrong I don't want to die, but sometimes I don't want to fight this hard anymore either. I have made peace with whatever happens. I've lived a good and happy life, I have a wonderful man that loves me and I love just as much. 2 amazing kids that turned out great inspite of me (lol) and right now I have my french bulldog snoring beside me. I am trying to get through each day with some joy and laughter....tears are a waste of emotion and energy.

In other news I have made an awful mess of my hair....lol. I bleached it, I died it blue....then I put a toner on that and then I died it purple and today I shaved the sides. I shouldn't be left alone unsupervised. If I don't like the way this is going I think I just take the clippers and start all over again. I'd be able to wear hats all winter and not have to worry about hat hair!

It's 10pm, there is nothing on tv or youtube so these are just some random words that are bouncing around in my brain. The young lady that cleans for me will be here tomorrow and she always has some interesting things to tell me. I ordered some crap from China today now I wait to see what shows up....between the 2 clothing items and the stamp sets, I wonder what will show up first?

I have my sketch kit all packed to take with me to the hospital, maybe I'll get to sketch out something while I am flat on my back after the procedure. I have to be at the hospital for 7 this time so maybe they will get to me before noon. The angiogram...they had me scheduled for 11 am and I didn't get in until 4:30, then 4 hours flat and then a 3.5 hour drive home. So since I am early this time like I was orginally I might be out of the hospital before 5pm. Here's hoping anyway.

My coughing has gotten much better since I started the low dose morphine, at one point I was sure I had cracked a rib. So that's a positive. I had a couple of scary coughing moments when I didn't think I would be able to catch my breath again and of course that starts a panic attack, so now I also have ativan. I seem to have quite the pharmacy going.....such is the life of what? a dying person? a person living with a terminal illness? I don't know how to classify myself.

well that's it I am starting to ramble.....it is time for the dog to go to bed, or so she is telling me.

peace!