The new little one...

Well, one of my alters named Ray had sex with some guy and got us pregnant. We are currently 5 weeks pregnant.... 1 1/2 months..... 7 1/2 to go. I am scared to death, almost paralysed. I don't know whether or not to consider it rape or not... I myself didn't want sex with any guy, I'm afraid of sex. I'm also afraid of getting pregnant again, and now I am. I'm so scared of losing this baby... Miscarriage is very common in my family, my mother lost 3 babies before she had me, my aunt lost 7 babies, my other aunt lost 2..... The list goes on and on! I'm scared to death! I think this baby won't make it.... And I don't think I can handle another miscarriage, I may end up killing myself... I'm serious.
This is my second pregnancy. My first child I got very young, I was raped repeatedly by my cousin and the baby died within 3 or 4 months.... It was a boy.. I named him Kevin. I'm kinda hoping this one is a girl. I'm trying not to think about it too much because I don't want to get attached to the baby, in case it does die.... I'm afraid already I'm starting to care about it.... It hurts.. So bad it just hurts me to think about another baby I'm most likely going to loose. I may never get pregnant again after this, I can't handle the mental pain of remembering and fearing...
.... But I'm going to name her Angel... Because she is my Angel. If it is a girl.... Who am I kidding? I love the baby So much.... But I can't.... But I do.. But I can't. * tears* what's happening to me....