the muck

I sit here wondering why I can't move forward with what is left of my marriage. For all of the things we do together I just can't forget what happened just over a year ago. The thought of what happened sticks in my mind and is there all of the time. I would love to move forward as she wants but just can't get there. I can't even laugh around her any more, it seems as if any emotion except a vast emptiness resides there. I walk like a zombie through life now wondering if I will ever feel happy again. I can laugh with friends and my kids (who don't live with me) but when I go home it is as if a door shuts and there I am looking a someone who I use to love and don't have any feelings but mistrust and apprehension now. You see she took my happiness away when she choose to have an affair with another woman. I have not been the same since, I have tried but it just goes nowhere. We are roommates now and do things together, but I wonder if there was any love for me in her heart to begin with. She says she enjoys to be with me but that isn't the same as saying love. If I pressure her she will say she loves me but I am so doubtful now..it shouldn't be this way. Am I just wasting my time in this thing called marriage? I don't know...I tell her I don't know if I can do this anymore. Her response is she wants the marriage to work, that she will do whatever it takes to make it work. That is nice but I feel it might be about 1 year too late. The problem is that it isn't a constant battle at the house or a battle at all. She does her thing and I do mine...I always figured that in a marriage you did things together. That you would look forward to seeing each other..to miss each other..that is the was I use to feel. How does one forget the past and put on that happy face to feel again to trust again. I don't look at her cell anymore I don't constantly ask her where she has been...all that has past. If it came down to it I guess I really don't care about those things any more. So what is left behind is a vast desert of a marriage that had such high hopes...hopes that are now dashed on the rocks of life... Sorry to be so down, I try to stay positive most of the time, but sometimes I do get pulled down I apoligise. Jerry