The "mother "
Hope all my dear SOTHS are doing ok. I just want to vent. As some of you know, I have a terrible relationship with my biological "mother". A quick history is that she was an abusive & cruel parent when I was a child & has not changed a bit as she aged. After Eddie died she was so verbally cruel to me that I have little to do with her now. I gave her several warnings to stop the cruel comments & demands and when she did not, I told my brother who has never really helped with her, that he needed to take over as primary caregiver. He has acted in that role for the last 4 years and that has helped. I see her about once a month to cut her hair & take her out for the day even though I do it begrudgingly. So the venting comes in after I see her today, cut her hair & take her out. I told her I will bring her some food for Thanksgiving & she starts to complain non-stop that I do nothing for her & should do holidays as I once did & that I should be "over Eddie's death." She then proceeds to tell me that her homemaker "has problems with her boyfriend, so see, we all have troubles." I am seething! As I said to her, "How dare you compare boyfriend troubles to the death of my only child!" She is a piece of work. I am a social worker - goodness knows I am well aware that I am not the only person in this world with troubles. But as always she minimizes the death of my child, her grandson! She is a narcissistic who doesn't even notice he's gone since he no longer can do anything to benefit her. I will take her some food for Thanksgiving because it's my duty but thankfully won't see her again for a few weeks. My brother is moving several states away in a year so I don't know how I will manage being the primary again for her, but that is a story for another day. Thank you for listening. It helps because I know all of you understand. Love & peace to all. ♡
Replies
Oh the stress we put on ourselves in the name of duty! I am so sorry. We are often faced with people who don't get "it" but to have it be your own mother is truly soul shattering. She must be so angry and bitter and miserable in her own skin but to take it out on her daughter is unacceptable no matter what.
Putting aside the fact that she is your mother, any adult who chooses to be inconsiderate, cruel and thoughtless makes it near impossible to enjoy any time spent. I honor you for knowing that you will do what is necessary. Gentle hugs to carry you while you do. One of my favorite sayings while I am dealing with miserable, mean and cruel people is "Not my circus, not my monkeys!" Lets me smile though the pain...
xoxo Merrilee
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. How can a Mother treat her daughter like this. We will never "be over" our children's death. My husband's mother sometimes says terrible things to me but I don't have to see her but once a year and she never really knew our Jeff. I admire you for doing what you have to do for her because she is your Mother. Is she able to do for herself? I admire you for doing what you feel like you have to do for her because she is your Mother. Please take care of yourself. The holidays are hard enough without having to deal with your Mother who evidently only thinks of herself.
Love and hugs to you My Friend....Nell
When one is a narcissist this is the way they live their lives. It feels and sounds miserable dearest Linda and truly, I am in awe that you can even handle that mostly visit. I hope that you really close down your second chakra to the size of a rose bud when you have to be around her, as it is so helpful to do this so that you don't absorb her energy or anyone else's for that matter. Tosha Silver, one of my favorite authors and people on the planet teaches this.
Maybe you don't have to be the "one" when your brother moves? Perhaps there will need to be a guardian put in place that is not you? Perhaps she has a "friend" if she even has any that might be better suited for that?? Maybe before your brother moves he can help make this happen? Our families just because they are that do not have a right to be abusive and I can sense that with advancing age it might just heighten. I'm concerned for YOU and just want you to take the very best care of yourself that you can and know that I'm just SO terribly sorry that your mother is such a controlling and angry woman.
I'm with you and I'm grateful you shared as I'm sure there is not a mom on this site that hasn't had to deal with a family relation that isn't strained in some way. I had a very up and down relationship with my dad for years when he was married to wife number 2 and it wasn't until wife number 3 came along that some healing began to happen. We had a "no fly zone" over him when he was married to wife number 2 because she was so heinous. I threw up every time I was around her and I don't throw up for years at a time. What does that tell you??!! OY!
Loving, loving care to that BEAUTIFUL heart of yours and truly, I'm thinking this does not have to BE your job in a year and who says that it does??
Deepest of sighs and holding that soft hand of yours in mine always dearest Linda.
Love YOU,
XO Joanie
I'm so sorry Linda.
"MY" point of view.....you have no "duty" to serve. You have NO obligations to anyone...ANYONE... who mistreats and disrespects you. NONE. It doesn't matter who they are...what "role" they play in our lives. Right is right, wrong it wrong, and a bitch is a bitch.
I know the kindness of your heart and I know it pushes you to do good for others even when they treat you poorly. But that doesn't mean you have to spend time with them. I say, drop off some food and get out as quickly as possible. And I wouldn't take her anywhere until she changed...and if that meant never again, so be it.
She is NOT a mother....well....not in the nice way....
Parents owe their children a safe, healthy, loving environment to grow up in where they learn to be good humans. Children owe their respect for the job well done....or at least for the "try" well done....to the parents who raise them. As a child, we have no choice concerning our parents. As adults we do. I chose to remove myself and my children 100% from any contact with my father because he was an abusive man. I walked away and never looked back. That was the healthy, and only, thing I could do for myself and my kids.
I understand you're only venting...and thank goodness we can come here and do just that...but I do want you to know that you have choices as to who you allow in your life. And especially after losing a child....I'll be damned if I'll allow anyone to tell me how to do MY grief!
See her or don't see her, it's up to you. There ARE other options....
Love you bunches and oodles!
Oh Linda. I wish I could help. I am glad you came here to vent. Goodness knows, I've done it a lot over the years. I can honestly say that the woman that gave birth to you is biological but not a mother. She sounds like a toxic person. I am with the others. You do not need to feel obligated to her. I do understand the sense of duty but she seems to feel none towards you. Narcissists are manipulators and I have a hunch she is very good at playing the guilt card.
I hope a solution arises before your brother leaves.
Tight hugs, Marlene
Oh Linda.... sigh...... it would be so nice if family would act nice...... I am still so much the black sheep of my family but now I don't care anymore..... so sorry you have a mom like that,,,, very sorry... and I know... love and hugs... Nora
Linda, I so understand this...Sounds like you are talking of my mother.
I came to Florida to help her and my father. I stayed for 2 years, living with them...Dad was always so thankful and grateful for all I did, what I gave up and what I was putting up with from my mother.
My Mother was very rude to me regarding the loss of Daren...she was very demanding and controlling. If I went to the store, she would be on the cell phone if I was gone more that half an hour. I would be accused of spending too much, not meeting her needs, etc. it was very painful.
My sister lives within half a mile, but would only come every two or three weeks for a weekend break...and that was begrudgingly--and only because my Dad would pay her.
I made it through until they both passed in Sept and Oct 2014. I do not regret the care-taking, and do not blame myself. I did my best...the best part was spending the time with my Dad. I have forgiven her, as I am sure she was miserable and hurting, lonely--and probably scared. I pray that I am not a burden on my daughter and son--and if I am, that they will forgive me.
It is hard, Linda...
Gentle care--take it moment by moment
annM
Linda,
Reading your journal reminds me of my step-daughter checking in on her mother once a week out of obligation. Her mother was abusive, an alcoholic and certainly didn't provide an environment of love. Jim's other daughter has nothing to do with her mother and drinks just like her.
I am in awe that you do anything at all for your biological mother, but yet I understand this. We have to be @ peace with ourselves and sometimes doing something for someone who clearly does not deserve it, provides that peace to us.
Keep yourself in mind though, as I'm sure you would tell others - your heart needs protecting too. You certainly don't deserve this treatment and what a miserable existence that this "lady" lives.
I'll be keeping you in my prayers - (((((hugs)))) Vicki