The more I think about it...
My childhood was designed to make me compliant, slow thinking (if not slow witted) and introverted. They wanted me to be afraid - afraid to try, afraid to take action, afraid to do anything.
I have never been truly happy during my adult life. It has been full of hard work, disappointment, and failure.
I can look back and almost all of the choices I have made during my life and see what I should have done, all of which would have required more courage than I possess.
Now I'm on the other end - I'm not a child anymore. My children are adults, and some of their children will soon be. I don't think that I made a mistake in adopting the girl, but she is 15 now, and will soon be on her own.
I'm looking forward to that, and to making a life for myself, by myself, for the first time. It took me a very long time to get here, but I need to get out of this cycle, where I get myself into the situation, which makes me unhappy, where I am responsible for other people that are so demanding that I cannot have any time for myself.
I need to take care of myself properly, and get myself into a lifestyle that is more comfortable for me. My daughter thinks that I am self centered, partially because I did not do enough for her, but she does not understand just how demanding that she is.
Now that she is an adult, with a child of her own, she has no use for me any more. I'm not part of her life, really, and that is probably for the best. She was exhausting. Both of my daughters were exhausting, as was my mother.
The girl has been exhausting, as well, but she is worth it.
It is not a good thing for me to have the responsibility for other people's welfare any more. I took on too much, taking on the girl when I had the brother weighing me down, and losing all of that was hard on me.
I come from a long line of hoarders. We may not have garbage packed floor to ceiling, but my parents, their parents, and my great-grandparents from the farm were all hoarders. Disposing of their stuff is a huge job.
Sitting in my mother's house for the last 6 months has been interesting. She spent many years working on crafts she did not complete. I started crafting things when my kids were young, for quite a few reasons, including not having enough money to buy special things so I wanted to try to make them.
35 years since I learned to crochet, and there were many projects that I never finished. They are all gone now, because I put them into the dumpster before I left Maine. Some of my mother's projects have been bagged up and put out with the trash. Many of the supplies she has remaining may be able to be sold,
I helped clean out my grandfather's house after he died, and it took 3 30-yard dumpsters to clear it all out. It was a 7 room house, packed to the rafters. We found unopened, unused wedding presents - my grandparents were married in 1929. There was a toaster among the things which was a 1920's model and in pristine condition, still in the original box.
I sold it on ebay.
If I could just get my stuff together, I may be able to get up and running again, but not if I am stuck here. I need to be on my own, which means getting the girl up and running into adulthood, capable of taking care of herself. I'm not going to do that laying on the couch all day, which is what I do more often than not around here.
But I really do not want to be chained down by my mother. She drives me crazy. I don't think she looks at me as a person, any more than my daughters do, more thinks of me as an addendum to herself.
It is a real shame that my mother had not been born into a wealthy family, with servants to do all the work for her. Using me as a servant, like she used my father, is sooooo not going to work for me.
There is already enough work to do around here that I do not need to have her only occupation finding things for me to do in addition to the work. And rearranging my things every time my back is turned is totally crazy making and intolerable.
I have never been truly happy during my adult life. It has been full of hard work, disappointment, and failure.
I can look back and almost all of the choices I have made during my life and see what I should have done, all of which would have required more courage than I possess.
Now I'm on the other end - I'm not a child anymore. My children are adults, and some of their children will soon be. I don't think that I made a mistake in adopting the girl, but she is 15 now, and will soon be on her own.
I'm looking forward to that, and to making a life for myself, by myself, for the first time. It took me a very long time to get here, but I need to get out of this cycle, where I get myself into the situation, which makes me unhappy, where I am responsible for other people that are so demanding that I cannot have any time for myself.
I need to take care of myself properly, and get myself into a lifestyle that is more comfortable for me. My daughter thinks that I am self centered, partially because I did not do enough for her, but she does not understand just how demanding that she is.
Now that she is an adult, with a child of her own, she has no use for me any more. I'm not part of her life, really, and that is probably for the best. She was exhausting. Both of my daughters were exhausting, as was my mother.
The girl has been exhausting, as well, but she is worth it.
It is not a good thing for me to have the responsibility for other people's welfare any more. I took on too much, taking on the girl when I had the brother weighing me down, and losing all of that was hard on me.
I come from a long line of hoarders. We may not have garbage packed floor to ceiling, but my parents, their parents, and my great-grandparents from the farm were all hoarders. Disposing of their stuff is a huge job.
Sitting in my mother's house for the last 6 months has been interesting. She spent many years working on crafts she did not complete. I started crafting things when my kids were young, for quite a few reasons, including not having enough money to buy special things so I wanted to try to make them.
35 years since I learned to crochet, and there were many projects that I never finished. They are all gone now, because I put them into the dumpster before I left Maine. Some of my mother's projects have been bagged up and put out with the trash. Many of the supplies she has remaining may be able to be sold,
I helped clean out my grandfather's house after he died, and it took 3 30-yard dumpsters to clear it all out. It was a 7 room house, packed to the rafters. We found unopened, unused wedding presents - my grandparents were married in 1929. There was a toaster among the things which was a 1920's model and in pristine condition, still in the original box.
I sold it on ebay.
If I could just get my stuff together, I may be able to get up and running again, but not if I am stuck here. I need to be on my own, which means getting the girl up and running into adulthood, capable of taking care of herself. I'm not going to do that laying on the couch all day, which is what I do more often than not around here.
But I really do not want to be chained down by my mother. She drives me crazy. I don't think she looks at me as a person, any more than my daughters do, more thinks of me as an addendum to herself.
It is a real shame that my mother had not been born into a wealthy family, with servants to do all the work for her. Using me as a servant, like she used my father, is sooooo not going to work for me.
There is already enough work to do around here that I do not need to have her only occupation finding things for me to do in addition to the work. And rearranging my things every time my back is turned is totally crazy making and intolerable.
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