The month of May..season of change
I have a friend that is having a tough time right now and I feel bad for all the trials and tribulations we all seem to have to deal with. She says that the month of May is a very hard month for her, which got me to thinking about the month of May for me. Its Mothers day which I do love to celebrate but my son hasnt been coming to see me for the last couple of years and that hurts me. We have a strange relationship. He is 27 and is a punk rocker so his life is pretty wild. Going to shows and traveling the country. But he makes no $ doing this he lives like a pauper. He'll eat and sleep anywhere so I spend my time worrying and wondering what part of the country he is in. Is he eating,is he getting beat up by people that think he's different. He's a good kid with a good heart but his priorities are surely not his family. I see him twice a year.He comes Christmas and mothers day,well maybe now once a year.Also his birthday is in May 10th. and as I mentioned in a previous journal this year his birthday was on mothers day but he went to NY, to party with friends. Then I have Bruces death ann. on May 9th, well I dont have to write about that because we all on here know how that day goes... Then Bruce and my wedding ann. is May 28th. It would have been our 3rd this year. The sad thing about this is that I never got to celebrate our first. He was gone 3weeks before it. I feel like I got gipped, but on the other hand I feel more sad when I read about you all missing your anniversaries than I do my own. I never had one. And the first year I was in such a fog that I couldnt face the day. How would I anyway. You cant celebrate a first anniversary when your grieving your partner. So although I got married on May 28th that day doesnt have much signifigence to me.I'll always cherish the memories of my wedding day, but not my anniversary, I never had one. I know that sounds crazy but its as if his death voided out our anniversary. That is now my important date to remember now. May 9th the day he died. Ah, yes and we have memorial day..a day to remember the ones we lost. As if we can ever forget. Every day is memorial day as far as I'm concerned and I will always remember and cherish my memories of the ones I loved and lost. My Mom who was there for me unconditionally and my husband who loved me more than I could ever have dreamed. The month of May is not a very good month for me but I cant change the things that have happened in that month. So all I can do is to try and stay strong and be happy in my new life and get through this month just like I get through every other one.The only thing I can try to change is to get my son to be more aware of his mothers feelings and try to get him to see that his birthday and mothersday are very important to me and I wish it was to him too.
Replies
Lori,I still do not know how you feel, because I have never lost a husband, boyfriend or any one in that reltionship type of thing. I think Bruce was the true love of your life. Not all of us find out true love, and I consider myself so blessed and I thank God for James everyday. I know I have suffered the great loss of my 2 sons and their half sister, but I grieve for a diffrent relationship than you. I cannot understand it, and I can\'t know how it feels. I do know all about grief and pain though. My grief is for my kids, yours is for your husband. All I can say about it, is that if I did not have James, I could not have gotten through all of my losses. I also understand how May is a horribly hard month for you. We do mourn for things that we miss having our loved one to share things with.I just experienced that with my 16 year old grand daughter. She was only 10 when Paul(my son her dad) died. She recently on Paul\'s birthday (March 9th he would have turned 35.)She spoke of how unfair it is that Paul is not here for her. I could only agree, and tell her that many things in life are very unfair, and we just have to take the cards we are dealt and do the best we can with them. In her amazing wisdom, at 16 yr. old, she said to me, \" I would only ask that God would give me 2 days, one would be my prom and the other my wedding.\" I though to myself, what a wonderful unspoiled and unselfish girl she is. She has an inner beauty as well as a physical beauty. I tell you Lori, I am very proud of her. SAT. was her first prom. She is a Sophmore, but dating a senior, so went to her first prom. She was so beautiful. I wish I could post her picture, but her Mother forbids it. I just am going the long way around what I am trying to say and I apologize. May was hard for me because of mothers day, and all my kids are dead. But fot you it has many hurts in it. I only had the 1 day to dread and suffer, you had many things and many days to suffer through. Lori I am so sorry for all of your pain. I wish I could help you and carry some of it for you. I would pick some of it up and keep it for you if I could. I have a difficult time in March and April. March 9th would have been Paul\'s 35th birthday.Then on March 31st,my grandson, Michael and his wife Brittney had their son, Camron. My first great grandson.Steven\'s absense in that birthing room was so very heavy.Michael cried tears of joy and tears because Steven will never be here for Camron to call him PawPaw. Michael said \"If my Dad was alive I would want Camron to call him Paw Paw.\" That is what everyone called my father. April 3rd was Paul\'s 6th death day. April 14th my Steven would have turned 40.(Michael, my Mom,sister and my other sisters 2 grandsons birthdays are all in April also.One of her little grand sons who is 7 looks just the image of Steven at that age, it is uncanny.) Believe it or not, I did OK during March and April. I believe Camron\'s birth got me distracted enough that it helped me through all that. But May and Mothers Day I cried off and on for about 2 weeks, and I was very depressed. I am ok now. Lori, I think that when we loose someone we love so much, like you loved Bruce and I loved my kids, there are just things we will never look at the same way again.I have foung that Inow mwasure my whole life by the timelines, of before Paul died, and after Paul died. Of before Steven died and after Steven died, and before Karla died and after Karla died. Itis a horrible way to view things, but it is the only way I can do it now. I know I used to say things like \"that happened before we moved to New Hampshire.\" Or \"Oh yea that was right before James got out of the Coast Guard.\" \"You know what I am trying to say? It is like before I graduated High school or after, or before I had my second child, or after he was born. Life just is so forever changed in everyway. It is now measured in increments of time, according to our loss os losses. Lori I can\'t find the wods that I want to say to you. It is like you just have made so much progress, but then you have a bad time in May and you get pushed down again. Lori,you are stronger now, and you have made so much progress. You have comforted me and helped me to surrvive. You have shown me the way through the darkness with a lighted candle, at a time when I could not see anything but the darkness. Your son is just probably still immature some, and he may also be struggling with his brothers death. So many times the siblings suffer inside and cover it up, because they do not want to hurt their Mom or other family members. The siblings are often very much grieving and they have no idea how to grieve . The men/boys always be hiding those emotions and tears too. I know you will feel better as this hard bunch of days pass by ever so slowly for you. You are so full of kidness and compassiom, and you are encouraging to me and the others at DS. June will be here soon. May is half gone now. So hang on to my hand tightly for a few days. I am here for you and I will keep on trying to be here for you as you need me. My prayers and thoughts are with you all,Love Peggy
You\'re so right when you say that every day is a memorial day for us but some days, months are particularly difficult. I try to accept that as my new \"normal\" and don\'t beat myself up about it any more. That\'s the way things are now and why wouldn\'t those times be difficult?
We do our best with our kids but in the end they make the choices thay make and I suppose all we can do is tell them of our love for them and always be there for them. I hope your son one day realizes this and responds to it as he gets older. Good luck with him. Your positve approach is a credit to you.