The Monster Revisited

 The Monster in the Cage Wednesday, March 19, 2008 Addiction is a monster with a ravenous appetite.  I live with this monster.  In the beginning, it was just a baby monster, and only nipped at me a little.  I thought it was fun to play with, and I ignored the scratches I walked away with afterward....Then it started taking bites out of my flesh, bigger and bigger bites.  Finally, I realized that it would eventually consume me if I did not do something.  So....with much effort, I put the monster in a cage.   At first, when I walked by the cage, the monster screamed and clawed through the bars, demanding to be released, demanding another bite of me.....so I learned to stay farther from the bars and plug my ears to the monster's demands.  The monster has grown quieter and quieter, weaker and weaker.  What if I open the door of the cage to see if the monster has changed its ways????  If I ever open the door again, the monster will spring up and devour me with all the hunger of its long fast......   This was a journal I wrote last year, still in the early weeks of recovery....The monster is still there, but continues to grow quieter and weaker.At times, I think....maybe he is subdued....has he learned his lesson?Maybe he will behave himself if I bring him out to play...... NOT it would be so easy to tell myself the monster has been tamed....I am going on a cruise in 2 weeks that, of course, will have a casino onboard......it would be soooo easy to wander in there and give it a whirl..... I am so thankful for the dear friends on this site who have had slips and relapses and who have been courageous enough to come back here and talk about it!  It helps me realize there is no going back out there to gamble in a "controlled" way.  Not one of the people who has slipped has been glad they did, or found it an good experience..... Knowing this makes it easy to avoid the lies and self-deceptions about the possibility of "taming" the monster! There is room on this site for people sharing their victories....but just as importantly, their slips and relapses.  I can learn from both!!!! Much Love, Big Hugs, Dianne