The Miracle of Change
Last night went out for dinner and karaoke and had a great time. On the way home, about midnight, the thought ocurred to me that many Saturday nights, that is the time I would have been leaving home to go to the casino...as I had the idea slots heated up after midnight. (typical cg thinking!) My, my how life has changed! Instead, I came home to watch a little TV, chat a little, and hit the sheets for a good night's sleep. Today, I woke up refreshed, and am happily sitting here writing in my journal...sipping some iced coffee and eating an egg sandwich....(Yum) Six months ago, I might just be pulling into the driveway, having been out all night throwing every dime I could get into the machines of mass destruction at the casino. I would be exhausted, disgusted at myself and dismayed by my behavior, full of anger and fear....wondering how I would meet my financial responsibilities in the week to come.... I would be counting the number of hours of sleep I might get before having to be at work at noon. I would be throwing off my clothes and collapsing on my bed.....my mind would be shutting down from the overload of self-hatred and despair...becoming numb.....after a mere 3 or 4 hrs. of sleep, I would have to shower quickly, throw on some clothes and run off to work with no time for breakfast, or barely even a drink of water, feeling terrible and dreading my day at work. What a way to live....horrible!!!!!!So glad I don't do that anymoreSo thankful my life has changedSo grateful to every single person here who has helped me in so many ways. Thank you all for being here.....for reading my journals and commenting....for writing of your own experience that I might learn from you......your caring and fellowship have made this miracle happen in my life. Much love to you all......xoxo ...... Dianne
Replies
Funny you should mention the slots heating up after midnight, cause I used to think that too...if you didn\'t get them around 1 in the afternoon, you had to get there just after midnight...LOL...man o\' man, we were so twisted..LOL but that is the mind of a CG! those were very costly thoughts and ideas.......
our lives in recovery have been so enriched by you, your openess, your honesty, and your caring for others. This miracle in all of our lives wouldn\'t have happened without us being thrown together by this addiction, and I am so glad to have found you here....
we have watched you blossom and grow in recovery, and being able to call you friend and family, is truly an honor.....
BTW, the egg \'sammich\' sounds awesome, I\'ll have mine on toast please.....LOL
Just for today.......
xo
D
It is so amazing how we now have enough time to enjoy the simple things in life like eating, drinking coffee and egg sandwiches. I have enough found I have gained some weigh because I am now eating the meals I should instead of going the casino and now eating at all for a whole day!!
I am so glad you were able to go out and kick up your heels and have some fun. You are truly and inspiration to all of us. I value your friendship and wish you only the best! Marlene
Sounds like you had a great time! If I tried singing I\'d have the coyotes, not to mention the household dogs, throughout Minnesota howling! LOL It\'s kind of funny how when we gambled we not only deprived ourselves of time, sleep, and 3 square meals but we also deprived ourselves of simple recreation because we couldn\'t \"spare\" the few bucks it\'d take to go have \"normal\" fun. I\'m so inspired by you, knowing that \"normal\" fun is in my horizon too!
Annette
dinner and karaoke. real stuff :)
glad you\'re living your life dianne.
I like to do Karaoke too. I do two songs, \"The House Of The Raising Sun\" and if I hook up with the right D.J. we do \"Rocky Top\" together. OH the memory of coming in at 3 or 4 in the morning, but for me sleep won\'t come due to the pain and sickness of the losses. I remember missing a good bit of work because of this. I\'m glad that your life is getting happier and better, just think it\'s going to get even better. Peace and LOve. Patty
So glad you don\'t do that either - so glad I don\'t do that anymore. Not that midnight was my thing but I can relate to the disgust and dispair. NOT TODAY as buzz lightyear would say! Today you are living your best life! Kareoke sounds fun. I would love that. Hugs to you today. - love Suzi
im happy for you too, i did a solstice celebration with a group of people i met online, it was great! i remember thinking, that i am spending alot more time with friends, something i wouldnt have done a year ago, cause it was ALL ABOUT the casino. it does feel nice doesnt it?
So nice to read about you living your life,
Me and the midnight thing, I remember that one. For me it was when the urges really came at me. Now the only thing that comes at me after midnight is a yawn, and most nights a good sleep. If I can\'t sleep it is for a better reason than before. So happy that you are where you are:) NOW can I have a bite of that egg sandwhich PLEASE. LOL
Love ya
Dianne...so wonderful to see a je from you! I so enjoy reading them...always on the lookout for a new one! What a wonderful night you had. You deserve all of the fun and enjoyment...and to come home and not feel horrible or digusted with yourself.
Hugs, Julie
Dianne, hi :) For as hard as the recollections of your old life must be for you to put down in writing, I have to say thank you for doing it. I can feel the way your brain was processing life then and now...you\'re beautiful. You know who you were then and you know who you are now, that\'s beautiful. For me, looking back to my gambling days, I know for sure I was propelled through life living in constant fear. I didn\'t go out at nights because Mark works days and I lived in constant fear of being discovered. My nights were spent tossing and turning, waiting until he was off to work and I could go feed my addicts with his hard earned wages. I was so unhappy with myself I wanted to die. I\'m so grateful I\'m in recovery, and I\'m grateful to understand I can\'t stay in recovery alone. Grateful I\'m making friends who understand me, here. Sending you a hug and lots and lots of Love, Robin