The Merry-Go-Round

Life on the Merry-Go-Round after I lost my child.
 
The Merry-Go-Round starts taking you up up up and down down down and again you go up up up and down down down ...and no matter if your going up or down your so sad, your crying, your wondering why...then the Merry-Go-'Round starts to slow down as it prepares to stop to let someone off....based on where your setting,you may be going slowly around and around for some time as the Merry-Go-Round lets someone else off.....slowly seem as you ride around your heartache starts to get a little less pain.......You get to the top of the Merry-Go-Round and at the top high in the sky, you say to yourself that your going to make it....the blue skies...the sun shinning brightly you have you life back..nothing has changed and looking down in the crowd you see all your family smiling up at you...then the Merry-Go-Round starts moving again getting closer and closer to the ground again you feel that fear again, you start to feel the darkness move within you..The  pain is back and then  you remember your child is gone.....As the Merry-Go-Round gets to the ground, it's ready for you to get off..but you sit there, you don't know what to do...you don't want to get off, you want to go back up high where there is no pain, that everything in your life is back as it was  before.....You stay frozen to your seat, with pleading eyes, for the man to just start it up again so you can go up again so everything can be alright again....But as you sit there, he just keeps telling you to get off, there is more people who has to take this  ride....slowly you rise from your seat...and there you are once again the the horror of your pain knowing  that no matter what you do ....life will never be the same....you go to the back of the line to ride again....and again you get on the Merry-Go-Round....it starts to go up...your starting to feel things are normal again and around and around your go until you feel the Merry-Go-Round slowing down again...and then you know when you get to the bottom nothing has changed.....Once again, as always, there is the pain all over again.....you walk away....then  take a look back....and that's when you know...Nothing has changed for you now as you had wished..................The Merry-Go-Round is your life now.......Sandi

Replies

KandL
KandL

It is a merry go round or as I see it a roller coaster and I want to get off but I can\'t. God give us the strength to endure until we see our boys again...
heartsandhands
heartsandhands

Sandi your writing is a gift to FMO. It MIGHT even give someone who has not lost a child a tiny glimpse -- most don\'t want to imagine, though -- of what it is like. Life will never be the same. And I wish no one else had to take this ride.
Love, Sarah
deleted_user
deleted_user

Sandi, how beautifully written. I love the analogy. Every day is a merry-go round and from moment to moment you always come back to that sad, cold place of loss. I wish you and all of our mothers peace and acceptance that we can hold on
Love, Marcia
JennsMom66
JennsMom66

I also love the analogy... even as you move up and down you are also going forward.. may be up in a place and down in the same place later on....
MaryLou
KellyLee105
KellyLee105

It is a merry go round alright. Roller Coaster Yup. Waves coming in and going back out, coming in and going back out. Yep..At the beginning the waves come in like a tsunami, I know it as a tidal wave. Then as time goes on the waves get alittle smaller, one right after another. Its like trying to catch your breath in between the waves..Sigh! Sign! Sigh! in between every breath we take..We, I, get so sick and tired, sick and tired, sick and tired, we have to put ourselves back together again.. Now humpty dumpty is never put back together the same way again..Losing a Child is the hardest thing ever to learn how to live through it all.. BUT WE DO!! Sandi, like Sarah says your writing is a gift to FMO..I can see how far you have come from reading all your journals, it shows how much better you have become, and it helps so many, more then you know. Thank you for sharing, Love & Hugs, Kelly
Missinglisa
Missinglisa

What a great analogy. Life as we knew it is gone and we are left with a merry go round or some days a roller coaster - with the loops.
Take care.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
MomofJosh
MomofJosh

I love this one too. As Marlene and Marcia said, \"it is a great analogy.\" You are often in my line of thinking....
Love ya Sandi,
Leda
deleted_user
deleted_user

This is such an accurate analogy, Sandi and you surely have interesting viewpoints and insights.
Being around the two year mark I think is excessively painful. Please don\'t think it will always feel so nightmarish. I never thought I could ever feel as though I could enjoy my life again. I lost everybody in an instant and could not fathom my life ever again being \"joyful.\" Well, it happened whether I thought it possible or not! It truly did happen and as I\'ve mentioned, my Helper was the man upstairs. Jesus.
We \"are\" forever changed, yes of course. But it need not be necessarily all negative because there are parts of me now that have \"exceeded my (self) expectations!\" Hang in there, the roller coaster does come to an end and then it\'s a different kind of a ride. Much less horrific/nightmarish. Love+Hugs, Donna
deleted_user
deleted_user

Sandi, I know what you mean but mine is a roller coaster, (which I have always literally hated them...went on one when I was about 6 yrs old with my dad and have never been on one again until now). The slow ride to the top, when you think you are doing pretty good then all of a sudden that downward dip, spiraling around and around tossing you upside down, a short climb up then flying back down so fast sometimes you don\'t know what hit you. I wish mine was like a merry go round, those I could jump off at anytime but this roller coaster of emotions, you can yell and scream stop all you want and they never stop that roller coaster to let you off. I\'m on one of those downward spirals and can\'t seem to slow it down and just have a nice ride for a while. It happens more and more now, the smooth riding but when you start climbing one of those slopes so far up and down you go, you can\'t stop them. I hate them so much. Yes, it is somewhat better but I have a feeling this roller coaster ride is my life now and there is nothing I can do about it. Just hopefully those downward dips get farther and farther apart....I guess we will see. Hugs to you...Linda, Jennifer\'s mom
renjon
renjon

Yes life will never be the same again. We have to continue the ride wherever it takes us.Many hugsH
Sandi2947
Sandi2947

After reading all your responses, I think I meant to say a Ferris Wheel..It was the first ride we had ever taken Ken on....The thing I think about all the responses is that each of these we all have mentioned as hard as it is to even think about as for me are the rides at the different amusements parks that my children always wanted to ride....each of there horrible feeling we have of how we feel.....in reality are rides kids love more than anything they choose as the excitement in their eyes from the time they were little and long into their ages they grew...I find this ironic, that the very things that most of our children loved to get on and get the thrill it gave them is the very words that we now use to identify ourselves with today of how we fill...I can remember watching my sons ride each and every one I can seeing them laughing, screaming with joy as from the small age of the small rides to the larger rides...they squealed, they laughed, they loved that freedom of riding each one.....today we moms...when we go through the each day remembering our pain...the very rides our children grew to love and get excitement from.....we now find each of these rides do nothing to our spirits but to bring pain to our hearts and minds...I have no answers to how we make it to the point that we when we remember these words this rides that most of our children would jump on today and a big laugh and smile and feel joy....maybe one day just remembering the excitement they felt will one day give us some kind of joy and peace and even a smile on our face.... One day we may start to remember the joys, the laughter, the happiness that our children gave us as they lived on this world with us...Even if some of the times they lived they may have brought us some sorrow,...but there were days too that they gave us great joy...That is what they would want us to remember today..,,The joys they gave us when they were first born, the joy they gave us when they first crawled, the joy they gave us when they took their first step, the joy they gave us when they spoke their first words...the scary day we sent them off to school for the first time,,,the years when we felt they were totally out of control....the years they yelled at us as if we had no clue....but the things we will always remember is that they loved us and they want us to not think of these rides as horror to our inner being...I believe they truly believe they want us to know no matter what happened,,,why it happened....they want us to know they love us...and if they could change the rides we are riding and to turn them into joy...that is what they would do for us....maybe just maybe one day we will find the peace that they want us to feel...no matter what ride that you feel you ride...What I think they would really want is for us to know that while they were here....they were happy...and while we are here they want us to be happy....maybe one day!!
SusanLarson
SusanLarson

Very good analogy. I am on a downward spiral now with Cindy\"s birtday coming next week, Love to you all, Susan
deleted_user
deleted_user

Thank you for sharing and yes we are on a ride that we cannot get off but we have each other to hold our hands love to you
PLA58
PLA58

My son loved roller coasters, he could not waite to get on them when we went to Bush Gardens. I always hated them I don\'t like my stomach going up when the body is going down. So I have thought of my grief as a roller coaster. Untill today did I realize the connection, after reading your journal and the responses. The good memories of a childhood and happy family.
Hugs Penny
deleted_user
deleted_user

Great analogy, Sandi....their enjoyment now is a metaphor for how we feel on this \"ride\" in life. One of the great sadnesses. I think that God knows just how we feel since His own son was sacrificed for our sins...that we are made holy from His sorrow. I hope that one day at the top of that Ferris Wheel ride we will not come down but go up and up and up...to be with Jesus and our sons. Thank you for your insightful journal....love, dale...brandon\'s mom