The medical tests begin today

Good morning journal,the time is 8:00am,and I have been awake for forty five minutes.Yesterday,I had an appointment with John,my mental health nurse and cognitive behavioral therapist.We spent much longer than normal talking,I was his only customer for the day,so time,for once,was not an issue.He wants to put the CBT on the back burner for now,and concentrate on getting me stable on the anti psychotic medication first.Rather than two doses of fifty milligrams twice a day,he wrote a letter for my doctor requesting that I be put on one hundred milligrams once a day,in the evening before bed,to try and combat the fatigue I feel during the day as I do now.He also wants to change the seroquel from XL,extended release,where it is released into my system over twenty four hours,to standard release,an instant hit that will help me sleep better at night.I asked whether that would make any difference to during the day,but he said it would be in my system and I should be okay,but he will,of course monitor me to see what effects it is having.He also has requested a one hour session with a psychiatrist,to determine a proper diagnosis,as he can only give an opinion,not a diagnosis;so that is yet another date in my diary to be fulfilled,John reckons that it will be the end of April before that happens,so we have time to spare,and will have a better idea of how the seroquel is working.This afternoon,I have an appointment at hospital for my ultra sound scan on my pancreas,this is the test that I am most fearful of.I know that over many years,I have done major damage to my liver and kidneys through alcohol abuse,the medications that I am on today attest to that,so what are the chances of them finding something in my pancreas?,fairly high in my estimation.I refuse to project into the future though,the results will be what they will be,and I will accept whatever they may be,but I must confess to a bit of trepidation and apprehension.John and I discussed my recent visit to the emergency room,and my soaring blood sugar count,he informed me that he was slightly concerned that the seroquel could be causing it.He has this book,with every drug known to man contained within it,and after consulting it,he said that there were two anti psychotic drugs which had the side effects of either bringing on type two diabetes,or causing a huge spike in the blood sugar levels of a person who is already diabetic,which of course I am.As I am on neither of the medications he mentioned,he wants to wait and see what the results of my scan are,and what my diabetic team decide they want to do on my next visit,before deciding on any course of action as regards the anti psychotic drug that I am taking now.I am coming to regard John as a very good friend,rather than just a very knowledgeable,and professional young man in his field of expertise.As we had time to spare,we began to discuss things in everyday life;he told me his wife is about to present him with his first child.He told me how excited he was,but also,he confided to me his nervousness and his anxiety about the forthcoming birth,and the events thereafter.He asked for my advice,and I told him that I have seven children and a growing tribe of grand kids;being a parent isn't like a job,you don't start work at 9:00am and finish at 5:00pm,all the overtime you put in is unpaid,and there are no annual vacations in the package.The rest of your life is spoken for,anything you may want to do comes second every time,anything you may want to buy for yourself personally is always for another day,and every spare bit of disposable income you used to have at the end of the month,won't be disposable any more.After you move on past the diaper changes,the two o'clock,four o'clock and six o'clock feeds,there then comes a part of their lives that is seemingly mandatory,the dreaded"terrible two's",where you will be subjected to open air tantrums,stamping of feet,lung bursting screams of impossible decibel measurements,and puking,seemingly at will,and in the most awkward,and acutely embarrassing situations and places.After that,you will then encounter the"strength sapping sevens",where going to bed at the time you want them to,can become open warfare,where they will engage in activities which enable them to evade capture for as long as possible.Hiding under beds,in wardrobes,anywhere in fact,that allows them to successfully bypass the bedtime hour for the longest possible time,is a victory in their eyes.Bath time,refusing to eat the things they have eaten all their lives,but now suddenly don't like,and needing a tag team of professional wrestlers to get them out of bed in the morning for school,although at weekends,they are up before the rooster on the farm three miles away.As you then breathe a sigh of relief,you encounter a stage called the"terrifying teens",this is when,if you've been lucky up until now,you will hear the phrase,"I hate you!",on frequent occasions,usually because you have prevented them from engaging in some activity you have deemed unsuitable or inappropriate at the time.Ground them for any reason,and you are the worst parent ever because,not only do you not understand,you are a dictator as well.As you move onwards,they then decide to leave home,whether that is going to college,university,or simply because they wish to declare their independence,they do so,and you think,wrongly as it turns out,that you may just get a tiny bit of your own life back,remember your own life?,for no sooner have they left,they are back again.Sons with sack loads of dirty laundry,and they will just stay for dinner,seeing as they are there already you understand;daughters with another broken heart because their ex was an absolute pig,and irrespective of the sex of your children,they all turn up with the various bills that come with living in your own place,but which,until the time they received them,they had no idea existed.Your revenge comes,when your children have their own children,oh yes!,that's when you hear for the first time,"I was never like that was I dad?". Well,yes you were,but your mine and I love you to bits anyway;the best thing however,is when you get to spoil whichever grand child is closest at the time,give them a big bar of chocolate,get them really messy,then watch whichever child is their parent go apoplectic with shock,and scold you for your inconsideration;great fun!. As I finished,I noticed John had gone a little pale,he said one word,"Jesus!";but then I added,"but when you look back John,you will come to realize that throughout your life,until your final breath,that your children are,and forever will be,the best,most satisfying and most wonderful achievement you'll ever accomplish in your entire time on this planet". He smiled and shook my hand,"see you next time",he said,and I left,wondering just which one of us got the most out of our visitation.You see,through my children,and their children,I have gained something that is an impossibility,immortality,because as long as they remember me,I can never truly die;until tomorrow journal,peace and love surround us.