The Mask
Karen you mentioned the Mask we wear. It's part of a daily survival kit, isn't it, but it also takes a toll. You walk away from encounters and ordeals just exhausted if not internally weeping. Today -- yes for the first time -- I was in a meeting and everyone was talking about their kids and I made the mistake of asking how old someone's kids were and then just like a boomerang, "EL KABONG!" it came back to me: "And how old are YOUR kids, Sarah?" The two people who know that Andy just died kind of looked at me like what will she say. "Mid-twenties," I said. I didn't want to drop a bomb on the conversation. "Oh that's great," they all say, "All finished with college!" Yup.
So I didn't lie but I didn't tell the whole truth, and I was DEFINITELY wearing a mask. Inside, my heart fell through the emotional floor. I had to come home to breathe and leak a few tears. Only had some yogurt with walnuts and raisins, though... I drove right past the bakery with the sticky buns. Yay me. I don't want my mask to get any tighter, y'know? Yikes.
And............... I'm thinking about when I see my sweet husband tonight and I think I'll tell him about this and tell him that I want to pay more attention to us and OUR emotional wellbeing and what we need to do to care for each other, all we've lost, all we need, etc. LOL I'm pretty sure he will say "Hmmm." Once in a while, like in the dark after making love, there's a door open for more emotional intimacy. OK, so, let's open the door!
Meanwhile, we're putting a huge addition on my house so that it will really become OUR house. This isn't easy, on one level, since I had to put it on hold when Andy was dx with brain cancer, and every bang of the nailgun (and you know how many of those there are! like machine-gun fire, right now outside my window) is a reminder that he is gone. At the same time, it is all about new memories, new space, my new marriage, and the life that Andy wanted me to have.
We're going to have a stone terrace patio outside the kitchen where we can sit at night, and there is going to be a big copper fire bowl where we can have fires all year round and laugh and drink wine and maybe smoke a little 'cheeba' (Andy's word for weed) on his birthday, and stuff like that. Andy would have LOVED the fire -- he was a little pyro from the time he was born -- and this item is a gift from my friends. I think in the flames we will have connection with his spirit. Something about a fireplace means you don't need to say much but you feel this connection with the mystery of life and energy and spirit.
OK, good, coming home from that meeting to regather myself seems to have worked. I'll do a few minutes of silence, a stretch, and then drive back to the office. Besides, it's too NOISY HERE!!!
xox Love, Sarah
So I didn't lie but I didn't tell the whole truth, and I was DEFINITELY wearing a mask. Inside, my heart fell through the emotional floor. I had to come home to breathe and leak a few tears. Only had some yogurt with walnuts and raisins, though... I drove right past the bakery with the sticky buns. Yay me. I don't want my mask to get any tighter, y'know? Yikes.
And............... I'm thinking about when I see my sweet husband tonight and I think I'll tell him about this and tell him that I want to pay more attention to us and OUR emotional wellbeing and what we need to do to care for each other, all we've lost, all we need, etc. LOL I'm pretty sure he will say "Hmmm." Once in a while, like in the dark after making love, there's a door open for more emotional intimacy. OK, so, let's open the door!
Meanwhile, we're putting a huge addition on my house so that it will really become OUR house. This isn't easy, on one level, since I had to put it on hold when Andy was dx with brain cancer, and every bang of the nailgun (and you know how many of those there are! like machine-gun fire, right now outside my window) is a reminder that he is gone. At the same time, it is all about new memories, new space, my new marriage, and the life that Andy wanted me to have.
We're going to have a stone terrace patio outside the kitchen where we can sit at night, and there is going to be a big copper fire bowl where we can have fires all year round and laugh and drink wine and maybe smoke a little 'cheeba' (Andy's word for weed) on his birthday, and stuff like that. Andy would have LOVED the fire -- he was a little pyro from the time he was born -- and this item is a gift from my friends. I think in the flames we will have connection with his spirit. Something about a fireplace means you don't need to say much but you feel this connection with the mystery of life and energy and spirit.
OK, good, coming home from that meeting to regather myself seems to have worked. I'll do a few minutes of silence, a stretch, and then drive back to the office. Besides, it's too NOISY HERE!!!
xox Love, Sarah
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