The move
Yesterday we did our xmas/
bday thing with my mothers side of the family. We have never grown up with the rest of the fa,ily so there was My mom and step dad, my sister her husband and their two boys then me and my two boys. I had to drive two days ago and then today from house to Military base then to sister. Total hours were 10. Tonight's drive was really hard. I am not used to one of boys being grown. I just hate pulling away, it never fails I'm always crying. But hopefully I'll see him again soon by Spring aqnd its been a year since he joined so you would think I would be used to it. The drive for both of us was so healing and open. We both talked about life plans, his life before my husband left us which was his age 14 and the life I created for him with the abuser and babys father. He has a great head on his shoulders. He said that he had no complaints about his childhood and was glad to have us as his parents. He kinda shrugged off the abuser part saying that "we need to lift our past up and try not bring our past down." Pretty great insight from a very good boy now man. I managed to protect him from any bodily harm with the abuser but he saw me get hit on and the abuser committed two felonies against my son with check fraud and forgery. So we really brought it all out in the open and he says he doesn't blame me for something I couldn't prevent. That did wonders for allowing me to let go of some guilt. He even admitted that he has fully accepted his baby brother. (see until this week, bc of all that went wrong he was never mean to the baby but he just pretended like he didnt exist. So again one happy momma. We did talk about the recent death threats and he got really angry, I laid down the mother law - that he is to go on and do his thing regardless of what may come my way. He doesn't know about the sexual abuse, but he saw the physical and emotional abuse under the roof. He says he wants vengence. I want him to live his life as it was meant. Plus with this recent letter, I truly believe, pray and hope that it will get him more time. Eventually I will have to face him, but I won't be done with school in two years and I need this degree to ensure my little ones future. That was when we discussed where I live at now and why I am here. Sad part is he refuses to come to this house. I am now having to choose between my two boys. I get a job move out and barely get by raising my youngest or I stay here, finish my degree, get a good paying job and never have to look back. I explained to him that as the mother to both I have to ensure each of their futures. Well for my oldest my marriage of 17 years did that and his family is well off. But just living on my income as an LPN will only be sufficient for minimal regaqrding my younger son, I will always qualify for welfare, never have a saving or be able to help him through college ect..... Where as my older child had a free ride to any four unniversity he choose, instead he choose military. All of which is honorable. My youngest has really gotten the short end of the stick. I can now say I raised one child with a proper family and am raising another as a single mother and no paternal help except my living here now. It's so hard to know what's right and wrong. My family including my mother and sister want me to move, but by doing so will keep me and my son in poverty. I already grew up in poverty, at one point my mother had to choose between who to keep and who to let live with others until she could afford us both again. I never want to have to give my child up because I cant afford him. I don't hold this against my mother but I also refuse to do as she felt she had to do. Because she wanted both her girls back, we just moved from man to man until one stuck. I refuse to do that to my baby. Not all her choosing was for the best and none would have been needed if she haqad an education. So I am running in circles inside my head. I'm going to apply for low income housing and still try to work and go to school. But It will all depend on sickness, his specialty appts, his daycare, and any outside babysitter help I cqan afford. I fear this next step in my life. Then I think of popaw and i am guiltridden aboiut possibly leaving him before he dies. Then I think of my mental strain over the past five months and know I have to do whats best for my family (me and my child). My greateswt fear is here and now. I feel the walls building, the protection surrounding and my heart hardening. I have always cherished my morals and values, this is my foundation upon which I build yet I AM ABOUT TO TURN MY BACK ON A DYING HUMAN BEING AND WALK AWAY. It's not natural for me. My brain and everyone is right and has been, I need to move but it's killing my heart. Because I'm the little girl that was given away, I'm the one who left her dog to die on a chain, following behind as we left yet another bad guys house. I am the one that secretly promised I would value peoples lives and help always. Yet I am the woman who is devising ways to keep a man locked away. I am the woman who just broke her lease, quit her job, gave all her furniture to the church and made a promise to a dying man BUT will soon have to walk out and leave this man to die unprotected. I am the one sacrificing humanitity for myself. That seems selfish.
bday thing with my mothers side of the family. We have never grown up with the rest of the fa,ily so there was My mom and step dad, my sister her husband and their two boys then me and my two boys. I had to drive two days ago and then today from house to Military base then to sister. Total hours were 10. Tonight's drive was really hard. I am not used to one of boys being grown. I just hate pulling away, it never fails I'm always crying. But hopefully I'll see him again soon by Spring aqnd its been a year since he joined so you would think I would be used to it. The drive for both of us was so healing and open. We both talked about life plans, his life before my husband left us which was his age 14 and the life I created for him with the abuser and babys father. He has a great head on his shoulders. He said that he had no complaints about his childhood and was glad to have us as his parents. He kinda shrugged off the abuser part saying that "we need to lift our past up and try not bring our past down." Pretty great insight from a very good boy now man. I managed to protect him from any bodily harm with the abuser but he saw me get hit on and the abuser committed two felonies against my son with check fraud and forgery. So we really brought it all out in the open and he says he doesn't blame me for something I couldn't prevent. That did wonders for allowing me to let go of some guilt. He even admitted that he has fully accepted his baby brother. (see until this week, bc of all that went wrong he was never mean to the baby but he just pretended like he didnt exist. So again one happy momma. We did talk about the recent death threats and he got really angry, I laid down the mother law - that he is to go on and do his thing regardless of what may come my way. He doesn't know about the sexual abuse, but he saw the physical and emotional abuse under the roof. He says he wants vengence. I want him to live his life as it was meant. Plus with this recent letter, I truly believe, pray and hope that it will get him more time. Eventually I will have to face him, but I won't be done with school in two years and I need this degree to ensure my little ones future. That was when we discussed where I live at now and why I am here. Sad part is he refuses to come to this house. I am now having to choose between my two boys. I get a job move out and barely get by raising my youngest or I stay here, finish my degree, get a good paying job and never have to look back. I explained to him that as the mother to both I have to ensure each of their futures. Well for my oldest my marriage of 17 years did that and his family is well off. But just living on my income as an LPN will only be sufficient for minimal regaqrding my younger son, I will always qualify for welfare, never have a saving or be able to help him through college ect..... Where as my older child had a free ride to any four unniversity he choose, instead he choose military. All of which is honorable. My youngest has really gotten the short end of the stick. I can now say I raised one child with a proper family and am raising another as a single mother and no paternal help except my living here now. It's so hard to know what's right and wrong. My family including my mother and sister want me to move, but by doing so will keep me and my son in poverty. I already grew up in poverty, at one point my mother had to choose between who to keep and who to let live with others until she could afford us both again. I never want to have to give my child up because I cant afford him. I don't hold this against my mother but I also refuse to do as she felt she had to do. Because she wanted both her girls back, we just moved from man to man until one stuck. I refuse to do that to my baby. Not all her choosing was for the best and none would have been needed if she haqad an education. So I am running in circles inside my head. I'm going to apply for low income housing and still try to work and go to school. But It will all depend on sickness, his specialty appts, his daycare, and any outside babysitter help I cqan afford. I fear this next step in my life. Then I think of popaw and i am guiltridden aboiut possibly leaving him before he dies. Then I think of my mental strain over the past five months and know I have to do whats best for my family (me and my child). My greateswt fear is here and now. I feel the walls building, the protection surrounding and my heart hardening. I have always cherished my morals and values, this is my foundation upon which I build yet I AM ABOUT TO TURN MY BACK ON A DYING HUMAN BEING AND WALK AWAY. It's not natural for me. My brain and everyone is right and has been, I need to move but it's killing my heart. Because I'm the little girl that was given away, I'm the one who left her dog to die on a chain, following behind as we left yet another bad guys house. I am the one that secretly promised I would value peoples lives and help always. Yet I am the woman who is devising ways to keep a man locked away. I am the woman who just broke her lease, quit her job, gave all her furniture to the church and made a promise to a dying man BUT will soon have to walk out and leave this man to die unprotected. I am the one sacrificing humanitity for myself. That seems selfish.
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