The Lover
Sometimes I think about gambling like a former lover who I allowed to devastate me, then broke up with, and who keeps calling me to come back.... I knew it was no good, but I kept telling myself things would work out OK. I loved the exciting nights and stolen moments together....my time was filled with the planning, manipulating, and lying to spend time "together"....putting everything I had into it....Even though I kept getting hurt more and more....I was devoting more and more of myself to it.....forsaking all other interests for it.....and after more and more time....it twisted my life into something I could no longer allow to go on. So one day, I had enough. All the pain I was going through was strong motivation to give it up. I was afraid to give it up, afraid I would miss the excitement, the way it took me away from the problems of "real" life....but I steeled myself, refused to listen and walked away. I came here and fell into such a place of comfort, inspiration, and support....a place of truth and faith. Even now, when things are so much better, I feel the call at times....come back, we had such great times together...remember how you used to yearn for me......things will be different this time, I promise...... Much of the pain has retreated now....it is so easy to remember the good times and forget the bad. So when I start to think this way, I need to force myself to remember the pain. I look at my early journals here....sleepless nights, nightmares, guilt, shame, fear, and sharp regret. I read the journals of people who are just now beginning recovery...and then I can say....I'm not coming back....no more lies...no more insanity.... NO WAY, NO HOW, NO GAMBLING.
Replies
NO WAY, NO HOW, NO GAMBLING. Not lover material! But I do know what you mean by comparing your compulsive gambling with a lost lover. When I had to tell Mark I was gambling again, it was as if I was telling him about an affair. I knew he wouldn\'t/couldn\'t understand why I lied to protect the ugly truth about what I\'d been up to. I knew he would be angry at me and slam questions at me that had no logical answers, like why. I felt like I was cheating on Mark with machines...cold, ugly machines that hurt me. It was awful, and I never want to forget the pain I caused him and myself. So, I\'m with you 100% - NO WAY, NO HOW, NO GAMBLING. Love you, and thanks for being there for me....Robin
great read!!!!
when do you know you have a problem???
I love the analogy....so true. It\'s truly unbelievable how we torture ourselves for our \"loves\". Thank you for continuing to share your journey and recovery with us, it helps so many.
I so relate. A toxic relationship is a toxic relationship and the longer you stay, the more you lose. Gambling is just a backstabbing \"player\" using you for money.
Diane, Thanks for this very insightful entry. You said it beautifully. I remember one time after lying about where I was going, and then being gone Way too long, coming home and my hubby asked me if I was having an affair. I guess I never realized till now how close he was to the truth. Love and hugs. and NWNHNG!!!
Funny that my hubby also asked me once if I was having an affair. I said yes with the poker machines. Sad but true, we were giving all our love and attention to a machine. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us, it helps to move pass the thoughts that we might be ok to gamble, NOT!
Love ya
Tessa
I think that is one reason my husband was not as angry as I thought he would be. He also thought I was having an affair so I guess he was relieved when I told him I wasn\'t. Diane, I really liked your analogy. Peace and Love.
Hugs
Judy
Excellent writing, so eloquent! The words you wrote spoke volumes to me, my husband had thought I was cheating on him until I admitted that I was gambling again. He in turn told me that my oldest brother had actually suggested that I may be cheating on him. My husband said that he flat out told my brother that I was out all hours of the night gambling and that my brother was like \"What?\' My husband explained to my brother that gambling affected me different that anyone we knew, but that my brother still didn\'t quite understand. Also while reading your entry, I believe I\'ve come to a realization that I never even considered before, but that is another problem I will have to face in my own journal when I am ready to tackle it.
((( DIANE )))
wins the award of the year!!! weeeehooooo!!!!
i think i\'ll print out your journal if you dont mind, and take it to my next GA meeting.
LOL. let me know if its ok.
Thank you for sharing your analogy, Dianne. It really is so close to the truth; it truly hits home.
smokeygirl
That lover is one I never need to see again thanks for reminding me. Currently I\'m happy bachelor, so long \"lady\" luck (o:
Dianne - you are so right. When I told my hubby about the problem I had with gambling I equated it to an affair. Theonly way I could truely understand the pain I was also putting him there - it is - the pain - the anguish caused. The lack of trust.
The huge amounts of time unaccounted for.
I do think , in active addiction that I was lost in a love affair with machine. It was a love affair with chance. It took some time to break free and I feel for the old \" you still need me\" line. Today I know that it was toxic , destructive, and certainly not helping me life my BEST life. So for today I am so with you No qway - no how - no gambling. Love to you my friend. Suzi
wow what a journal entry, thankyou so much for sharing this, when I tried to be gamble free last time i talked about the grief I felt that the \'friend\'(the machines) I had chosen to fill the void had hurt me so bad I felt betrayed. Your enty reminded me of how skewed everything gets. thanks Dianne biggest hugs Tas
Thank you for sharing. I just loved your joumal. Hugs Melissa