The Lover

Sometimes I think about gambling like a former lover who I allowed to devastate me, then broke up with, and who keeps calling me to come back.... I knew it was no good, but I kept telling myself things would work out OK.  I loved the exciting nights and stolen moments together....my time was filled with the planning, manipulating, and lying to spend time "together"....putting everything I had into it....Even though I kept getting hurt more and more....I was devoting more and more of myself to it.....forsaking all other interests for it.....and after more and more time....it twisted my life into something I could no longer allow to go on. So one day, I had enough.  All the pain I was going through was strong motivation to give it up.  I was afraid to give it up, afraid I would miss the excitement, the way it took me away from the problems of "real" life....but I steeled myself, refused to listen and walked away.  I came here and fell into such a place of comfort, inspiration, and support....a place of truth and faith. Even now, when things are so much better, I feel the call at times....come back, we had such great times together...remember how you used to yearn for me......things will be different this time, I promise...... Much of the pain has retreated now....it is so easy to remember the good times and forget the bad. So when I start to think this way, I need to force myself to remember the pain.  I look at my early journals here....sleepless nights, nightmares, guilt, shame, fear, and sharp regret.  I read the journals of people who are just now beginning recovery...and then I can say....I'm not coming back....no more lies...no more insanity.... NO WAY, NO HOW, NO GAMBLING.