The Lost of a Child Question
I have a question. Does anyone really ever deal with the loss of a Child.
I understand that some say stay busy ...be with others. Get involved. get counseling. I am not saying these are not things that would help but is there ever a point that it does not haunt one. That the questions come back...the answers are not there. The anxiety, depression raises back up as strong as it did that day..that night. Is there ever true peace. As moms do we not feel we should find our child. I remember writing a journal years ago and I say years yet it seems like yesterday .. I know I am backwards on my journey I do know being around other people does help but for me it seems my friends I develop has gone different routes. Not because I am depressed around them or talk about Ken that I do at home, but just interest changes or we as a couple stop going out due to things we found we didn't like.. Our last friends were so much fun...we could go out to eat and laugh and talk for 3 hours. We have been friends for about 2 years. Now and we knew this that when he retired they planned on going RVing Fulltime. They have bought their RV and I can't remember the last time we were together. That is why I mentioned not restarting a friendship a new one. The ones I had before I felt dropped me cause they didn't like the person I am now. The other couple knows I lost Ken but we don't talk about it. I understand people have things they want to do in their lives and things change. But does that just not add up to another loss a different kind of loss but brings back the most horrible loss. Does this affect others not that I have ever gotten over Ken and never will but each loss just reminds me of my worst loss...I don't know there is an answer to my question as I know so much reminds me of what used to be. Ken and I lived in different states so since he got married, I spent my time visiting him. After I married 18 years ago we would split up the visits between his kids and mine. Now I don't have that option. So much to go through so much to understand so much that can't understand. Back to my original question. Is there a point it does not hurt....even through history no matter who I don't believe the pain ever goes away. Thanks for listening. sandi
I understand that some say stay busy ...be with others. Get involved. get counseling. I am not saying these are not things that would help but is there ever a point that it does not haunt one. That the questions come back...the answers are not there. The anxiety, depression raises back up as strong as it did that day..that night. Is there ever true peace. As moms do we not feel we should find our child. I remember writing a journal years ago and I say years yet it seems like yesterday .. I know I am backwards on my journey I do know being around other people does help but for me it seems my friends I develop has gone different routes. Not because I am depressed around them or talk about Ken that I do at home, but just interest changes or we as a couple stop going out due to things we found we didn't like.. Our last friends were so much fun...we could go out to eat and laugh and talk for 3 hours. We have been friends for about 2 years. Now and we knew this that when he retired they planned on going RVing Fulltime. They have bought their RV and I can't remember the last time we were together. That is why I mentioned not restarting a friendship a new one. The ones I had before I felt dropped me cause they didn't like the person I am now. The other couple knows I lost Ken but we don't talk about it. I understand people have things they want to do in their lives and things change. But does that just not add up to another loss a different kind of loss but brings back the most horrible loss. Does this affect others not that I have ever gotten over Ken and never will but each loss just reminds me of my worst loss...I don't know there is an answer to my question as I know so much reminds me of what used to be. Ken and I lived in different states so since he got married, I spent my time visiting him. After I married 18 years ago we would split up the visits between his kids and mine. Now I don't have that option. So much to go through so much to understand so much that can't understand. Back to my original question. Is there a point it does not hurt....even through history no matter who I don't believe the pain ever goes away. Thanks for listening. sandi
Replies
Hi sandi,
For me the pain is different. It\'s been 6 years now since Jenn died...I have times I feel it was yesterday and others \"I\'m normal\" Her angel-versary was a few weeks ago and fir some reason this one was worse than the prior few.
Most of my friends and family do not mention Jenn, unless I bring her name up. Is it that they don\'t want to remind me..or don\'t want to make me sad...who knows, they just don\'t.
My husband and I don\'t have close friends we go out with as a couple..and it\'s ok with me...I\'d rather stay home with my puppies and my quilt making.
Don\'t know if any of this answers your question...
Hugs, marylou
This is such a timely question as I have been wondering the same as I come up on the incidents that lead to my son\'s death 3 years ago Nov. Like you friends stopped calling and a few purposely duck me if they see me in the supermarket. I want to scream He existed and I want people to remember him. I don\'t want sympathy., I want to hear how alive he was and that he touched peoples lives. Do you ever get over it, my opinion is no, you learn life is different and how to go on but you never \"get over it\".
I don\'t believe I will ever \"get over it\" yet am learning how to live with it. Some days it still takes my breath away and feels like a heavy boulder I\'m dragging, other days it\'s a pebble in my shoe that is always there and more often now than ever before I am learning how to live my life finding moments of peace and even joy with my son. He is not excluded from anything and I ask him to come along and to help me in every way that he can.
I cannot worry what others think about me when I need to speak of my son and if it\'s a conversation stopper so be it. I will never, ever stop speaking of my son when things come into my heart that remind me of him...
I hope that you will find the peace that you seek, Sandi, and truly, it\'s so very individual as to what will speak to your heart and each of us can offer our ideas and what may be helping us, yet in the end, all the answers you seek are within yourself. Trust your intuition, your wisdom and most of all your heart.
Gentle and loving care,
XO Joanie
I can not speak for the others, but for me...No, I have not dealt with the loss of my son! I have cried, I have grieved, I have had many anxiety attacks, but mainly I am just muddeling through what is left of my life.I have to make myself not think about his death, as I simple can\'t handle it. Oh, I pretend I can, but I really can\'t. It is too real and too final....so I push it to the back of my mind, whenever possible.
As for friends, I totally understand. It seems to make some people uneasy, when I mention Dean. I discuss him with only a few people, who knew him and loved him. I know that his death has changed me forever. I am not the person I used to be. It was 3 yrs. ago, on Sept. 1st that my son died. I am still in a little shock & denial. If I don\'t discuss it, it didn\'t happen!!! I do not think the pain ever ends, but maybe in time isn\'t so severe.
I know I am rambling, but these are just my thoughts and you can see that you are not alone...
((((HUGS))))....Julia
Losing my girls has changed the person I am forever. I continue to breath and have a new normal of work, activities, cleaning, shopping, cooking, crochet, reading sometimes as my concentration is up and down. Peace is watching the sunrise and set. Accomplishments give me some satisfaction, so one day at a time, but how I wish for Jennifer and Marissa here and now!!!
Hugs, Kathy
Dear Sandi. The short answer is NO. I have developed coping strategies but in truth, I don\'t foresee a time that it doesn\'t hurt. I have just learned to live with the pain. I cope by being busy, by traveling and spending time with my son and my friends.
Oh my dear. I wish I had answers. Just know you are not alone. We all cope in different ways. There is no timetable, no blueprint. Each of us copes in our own way.
Love and huge hugs,
Marlene
It has been 14 years for me since I lost my son Jesse and I to this day still have moments of grief that are very painful. My life has never been the same again since the night two detectives came to my door to tell me that my Jesse was murdered. 11 years after loosing Jesse, I lost my last and youngest son Justin. I thought for sure I would just die of a broken heart because loosing Justin is just to painful. I don\'t think I will ever get over this. I have learned to live with this and all I can say is it is not easy for me. The winter months seem even worse for me. I have lost everything that ever mattered to me but some how I feel they are both with me and a part of me is missing. Don\'t think it ever goes away. As far as friends go, I still have one who hangs around. They have never changed, I have. I don\'t give up and just try and try to make myself better everyday. It has not only been an emotional journey but a physical one as well living a life with out my children. I am determined to find a way again to feel happy...XOX, Debbie
I will never be the same. My son is gone and I have scars. Many people are uncomfortable around me. They don\'t want to speak about my son because they don\'t want to remind me that Jeffrey is gone. I tell them that they are not reminding me. I never forgot. Please, say his name.
I was called into HR at work one day and asked to stop talkingabout my son at work. Apparently I was making folks uncomfortable. I now talk about Jeff every chance I get. No, I will never stop. Nobody has that Powe over me.
No. There is no getting over this. There is no \"moving on. \" we learn how to live, love, smile, laugh again.
There is a mom I see often because of work,, that will not even look at me,,, greet me,,,, her daughter was in school with Morgan.... it hurts,, then I have friends who embrace me because of Morgan,,, I am forever changed,,, life hurts,, I cry lots.. especially when alone...love ya!
The answer for me is NO also but it isn\'t as raw as it was in the beginning,
I have learned how to incorporate it into my daily existence somehow. I have two writings about it but only found one for now but if I find the other one, I will send it to you too. This one is called A PICTURE OF YOU,,
A Picture Of You
I only have a picture now,
A frozen piece of time,
To remind me of how it was,
When you were here, and mine.
I see your smiling eyes,
Each morning when I wake,
I talk to you, and place a kiss,
Upon your lovely face.
How much I miss you being here,
I really cannot say,
The ache is deep inside my heart,
It never goes away.
I hear it mentioned often
That time will heal the pain,
But if I\'m being honest,
I hope it will remain.
I need to feel you constantly,
To get me through the day,
I loved you so very much,
Why did you go away?
The angels came and took you,
That really wasn\'t fair,
They took my child,
My future life, My heir.
If only they had asked me,
I would\'ve taken your place,
I would have done so willingly,
Leaving you this world to grace.
You should have had so many years,
To watch your life unfold,
And in the mist of all of this,
Watch us, your parents grow old!
I know you\'re watching from above,
At the daily tasks I do,
And let there be no doubt at all,
I really do love you
There is no getting over a loss of a child. People change they evolve look back on your life. Life is always changing, we must adapt. If that means seeking new friendships by all means do it. Do not let fear rule your life.....
I find myself in a strange place....
I am no longer grieving. I no longer ask the unanswerable questions. I miss Kala, surely, terribly, but not unbearably so. She is with me, always. Not as before, but in some ways, even better...closer....more \"real\".
I have allowed myself the gift of total acceptance that this is what it is and it is a gift to have Kala in my life NOW, as she is, and as I am, NOW. The past was gift, and our future is a waiting gift, but NOW, this too is a gift and I am thankful.
My life if full and I am happy.
Yes, such a strange place to be after burying a child....
Sure wish I had done a better job at proof reading!! Please excuse my typo\'s!