The Loss of A Friend
I wrote that going to Compassionate Friends did not offer me anything...Wow was I wrong. I learned a very profound thing that never even entered my mind concernting the loss of my son Kenny. When the director ask my name and about Ken, whatever I said between tears, I heard her say,"you not only lost you son, you lost your best friend". And she was so right.
I not only lost a son, I lost my best friend. I really never looked at Ken as my best friend, but who was the first person I called when something happened, Ken, who was it I could tell anything to; Ken. Who did I share everything with; none other than my Ken. And likewise Ken with me. So going through this horrible pain I feel, now I understand is two-fold, my son, my friend gone in a sec of a time. How I miss my son and friend.
I feel like I am back to square one or worse. My heartache seems to be neverending right now. I don't know how to break this cycle I am in. The loss of Ken and my best friend is making me so depressed. I know I can't change things, I just don't know how to change what I am feeling. I know I can't bring Ken back, but I don't know how to let him go. I want to talk to him so much that my head aches from the pain of knowing I can't. Life can be so cruel.
It's intersting that I believe in Heaven and that when one dies our spirit, our soul goes to Heaven something I have always believed. So why is it bothering me so much right now where my Ken is. I was telling my sister last night, it's like when you child is expected home and is late you start worrying that something has happened to them. I think that is what I am feeling. I need to know where my son is. I need to see he is okay. I ask myself what do I do with myself. Is this normal that I seem to have gone into this horrible feeling of depression. That I feel I have no one to talk to. I need something. I need to know it's okay. Is this grief, is this what the pain of grief feels like this overwhelming hurt and pain.
I know when Ken died and up until I got sick, I talked about him a lot, tried to figure out what happened, why he had to die and I cried a lot. This feeling is different and I really don't feel I can take the pain, the hurt, the unknown, the depression. I really feel I am losing it. Is this how grief feels....I don't know. I need to change. I need to do something about myself but what. I don't know and I think it is something I have to figure out on my own cause I lost my son and my close friend.
Love you Ken my son and close friend forever., Mom
I not only lost a son, I lost my best friend. I really never looked at Ken as my best friend, but who was the first person I called when something happened, Ken, who was it I could tell anything to; Ken. Who did I share everything with; none other than my Ken. And likewise Ken with me. So going through this horrible pain I feel, now I understand is two-fold, my son, my friend gone in a sec of a time. How I miss my son and friend.
I feel like I am back to square one or worse. My heartache seems to be neverending right now. I don't know how to break this cycle I am in. The loss of Ken and my best friend is making me so depressed. I know I can't change things, I just don't know how to change what I am feeling. I know I can't bring Ken back, but I don't know how to let him go. I want to talk to him so much that my head aches from the pain of knowing I can't. Life can be so cruel.
It's intersting that I believe in Heaven and that when one dies our spirit, our soul goes to Heaven something I have always believed. So why is it bothering me so much right now where my Ken is. I was telling my sister last night, it's like when you child is expected home and is late you start worrying that something has happened to them. I think that is what I am feeling. I need to know where my son is. I need to see he is okay. I ask myself what do I do with myself. Is this normal that I seem to have gone into this horrible feeling of depression. That I feel I have no one to talk to. I need something. I need to know it's okay. Is this grief, is this what the pain of grief feels like this overwhelming hurt and pain.
I know when Ken died and up until I got sick, I talked about him a lot, tried to figure out what happened, why he had to die and I cried a lot. This feeling is different and I really don't feel I can take the pain, the hurt, the unknown, the depression. I really feel I am losing it. Is this how grief feels....I don't know. I need to change. I need to do something about myself but what. I don't know and I think it is something I have to figure out on my own cause I lost my son and my close friend.
Love you Ken my son and close friend forever., Mom
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