the longest days in the world

This is my first journal entry here, and the first time I have ever written about my IF experience, except to maybe post on a forum online.
My beta from my first IVF cycle is this Friday (9/20) at 8am.  I am terrified.  My cramping is so like every other (failed month) and has been getting worst since 3dp3dt.  I know we read a lot about how women get their BFPs after swearing AF is on her way and convincing themselves that the treatment hadn't worked.  I hope to be one of them, but my positiveness fleeting.  I go from having hope to feeling a very heavy, very dreadful feeling in my gut and I feel like I cannot breathe.
that being said, I am surprisingly "calm" - I believe that acupuncture has helped me keep my balance.  the thought, though, of it not working is just so painful and heartbreaking.  I know I will live.  I know my DH and I will get through it, but my spirit is already so broken from the two years of TTC and the five failed Clomid months and the three failed IUI's....I just don't know how much more I can handle.  But then again, there is nothing I wouldn't do to have our baby.  Our sweet little baby, just waiting to be created and born so that we can love it with all of our hearts.
Sometimes I feel like I am having an outer-body experience - like this is not really my life.  Like my DH and I have not spent the last two years dealing with this, suffering and struggling.  Where did our life go?  the one where nights out and nights on and movie nights and our little puppy and happy hours and planning vacations was what our thoughts consisted of?  Now it's doctors appointments and u/s and shots and labs and counting days and cycles and not going to friend's weddings or birthday cruises b'c we are BROKE and have to be available for the "if and when" I am called into the RE's office.
I fear that I will nto be able to recapture the joy I once felt in my heart - that I will always be this scared, sad and a little bit bitter women.  oh how my life has changed.