The loneliness of simply being me

It is 6:30am,and I am drawn to this place again;for what reason or purpose I am,as yet unaware.I spent most of yesterday asleep,after my early morning feelings of positivity deserted me,and my mood descended into blackness and despondency.My mood on waking this morning has not altered,and I am faced with the prospect of simply going through the motions in the day ahead.I am desperately tired despite the amount of sleep I've had,and my body cries out for rest;but how much rest does one human being need?;I feel like a child's toy that is on the verge of being left useless because the batteries have run out of power.How sad that even the energizer bunny has decided that I'm no longer worth the effort.I have no appetite to speak of,I did not eat dinner last night,save for the occasional birdlike peck at the food on my plate,I left the majority of it untouched.I have no interest in eating,but I have a thirst that,no matter how much water I imbibe,is still as strong as before.I feel very alone at this moment in time,and,as I type,I am finding it very difficult to find the words to describe my feelings accurately;I am simply lonely in my own company,finding no comfort in who I am and no desire to be with me;the loneliness of simply being me.Can that actually happen to a person?,can one become so unhappy and disillusioned with oneself that they become unwilling,or unable,to countenance even one short hour in their own presence?;I have no answer to that,I only know what is,and for me it is an inescapable fact that,at times,I simply detest being with me.
                                                                                                        There seems to be no improvement in my emotional or mental condition,and my physical well being remains in an annoyingly permanent state of exhaustion,with varying levels of pain throughout the day.Where is the quality of life in my existence?;I have very little,if anything at all,to look forward to,and nothing on the horizon that would indicate a change for the better.If my life were a game of chess,and one player reached a point from whence he was in a position where a move in any direction was impossible;he would realize the futility of his circumstances and end the game.He would resign and concede defeat to his opponent and withdraw honorably,why then,should not the same choice be readily available to me?;I wish to withdraw from the chessboard of life,there;simple,yes?.
                                                                          One of the ten commandments states,"Thou shalt not kill",does that include oneself?;surely the human body is the property of the individual who inhabits it,and that being the case,then it seems to me that the said individual may dispose of it how they choose,or am I missing something here?."The Lord giveth,and the Lord taketh away",but even the Lord used intermediaries on Earth to carry out His commands;why can't I be such an intermediary now?.But I am beginning to ramble now,and to no useful end,so I will end this visit by simply leaving,no better or worse than when I commenced.Until next time journal,if indeed there is to be such an occasion,I wish you Adieu and fair sailing,with the wind behind you,and a calm sea to carry you on your way.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Sillouette, I would ask you to please call the following number, they may have some information and thoughts which will help you. Please call 800-273-8255. Thanks Bill
bjrapp2020
bjrapp2020

Solliuette, you are a beautiful person, and you deserve so much more than you are getting. But you need to reach out and seek the help you so urgently need. Call the number Bill has given you honey. I think your journal entry is a cry for help and people on this group care for you, and all you need is to learn to care for yourself, to love yourself . You are indeed worth it and I pray you will reach out and take help that is offered.
Brenda (BJ)